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I’m on the verge of relapse


#1

I’ve been so stressed lately, two of my best friends recently broke up and I care about them so much it’s driving me insane. I want to help but all I know how to do is send them links to music that’s helped me but I don’t know if it’s doing anything. Not to mention that school finals are coming up and I’ve been more self-conscious lately, I just don’t know what to do. All I can seem to do is lay bed in depressed as hell listening to music and dissociate. The one thing that feels like it might be helpful is something that I haven’t done In almost a year and a half and I’m scared to start again…, but I’m just so stressed it feel like it’s the only answer. I have the blades I need I just don’t want to relapse after almost a year and a half… I just don’t know what to do.


#2

Hi Luca,

I was in the same spot not too long ago. I’ve been clean from cutting for almost three years, but I almost relapsed when my depression became really bad.
I can only say what helped me, and one thing that really helped was getting it out like you’ve done. Realizing that this is a safe place to do so, where you won’t be judged, where you won’t be treated like you’re less than the beautiful person you are, is an amazing comfort.
Something else that helped me was reaching out to someone I knew in real life. I was honest with him, and he helped me get through it.

two of my best friends recently broke up and I care about them so much it’s driving me insane.

If you can, talk to your parents about what you’re going through. Tell them what’s wrong, and why you’re feeling the way you are. For me, my father threw away all my knives; at least I think he did, because I never saw them again. Ask them to help keep you honest. Having an accountability partner is something that is an amazing blessing, even if sometimes it feels like a curse.
If you can’t talk to your parents, try talking to a counselor. They have been instrumental in people’s lives, and I’m certain one is out there willing to help you.
I don’t know if you’re religious, but if you are, the one piece of advice I always give is read your Bible. God gave us His word for uncountable reasons, one of them being to let us know that we are never alone in how we are feeling. Pray that He will bring you the words of comfort you need.
My best friend has something he always tells me whenever I’m in a dark place: “Just think Abi: this dark spot? This valley? That’s one less valley you have to walk through. That’s one less dark place in your life that you have to go through. Because you’re walking through it, and once you come out the other side, it’ll be behind you forever.”

Stay strong, friend. You can get through this.


#3

Hi AbiAdams
Thank you for the advice it really means a lot. And congrats on being as clean as you are.But I really wish I could tell my parents but my dad already thinks he has all my knives and I fell like if I told them I’d just be disappointing them.


#4

Something I’m still learning is parents want you to come to them with your problems. About a month ago, I was struggling with abusing ibuprofen. I posted about it here, and then I told my mother. Instead of judging me or being disappointed, she moved the ibuprofen to where I can’t get it. She always asks now if I have had any, and if I need it, she gives it to me in doses and then returns the bottle to its place.
What I’m trying to say is when parents know their child struggles, they want to be a part of it so they can help. It’s scary, I know, but you can’t heal if you don’t let people help you. I can’t speak for your father, but he sounds a bit like my dad, and if he is, the only person he’s be disappointed in is himself for not taking care of his precious child better.
I know it’s scary, but I really think you should talk to your dad. Give him your knives, and talk to him, heart-to-heart. Let him be your parent; let him love you as a father should.


#5

Thank you AbiAdams. I will definitely try talking to my dad.


#6

You’re welcome, friend. Stay strong. <3


#7

Thank you for posting friend! A year and a half is AMAZING. I’m super proud of you. As an addict and self harmer, I understand how hard it is. I understand exactly how it feels to believe the only thing that will help, will also make you worse. I get thoughts of wanting to get high whenever emotions get too much… I have actually relapsed a few times in my addiction recovery, and honestly, sometimes, it IS what needs to happen for us to realise that actually this isn’t how we want to live… Don’t hear me say that people who don’t relapse can’t make that realisation, it’s just that for some of us, it’s the hit of reality we need.

I think if your friend is hurting, you can point them to Dwarf Planet as a resource, because, you need to now work on yourself. I’ve started doing the journalling section of ReWrite recently after yet another relapse in my self harming and honestly, it’s already making me see things I didn’t see before… and I’ve already done the first 4 days of rewrite journalling 3 times in the past. “It’ll help, it’s just this one time and I’ll feel better” < I fall into this trap ALOT. I have to have the people here in the community call me out on this. As much as I hate it… It’s how we have to see it We can get you those books for free. Your friends too. Please just let us know. You can message me here, or email [email protected] OR [email protected]

I’m still on a slow road with my self harm, but one thing that I’m doing to help with my addiction, and needing to take pills, is running the fact I want to take something by the people in my support circle (which YOU CAN FIND HERE, I PROMISE) and have them decide whether they believe im in a safe place to take them or not - and if not, taking a sugar pill instead. Use the thing you’ve been using this last year and a half. You’re loved. It’ll be worth it.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#8

Self-harm is NOT the answer. It just a damaging distraction. You need to deal your with your problems constructively and overcome them slowly


#9

Hi, Luca

First of all. I want you to know how much I care about you. Even though we are perfect strangers. And I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time.

I recently had a small relapse with these thoughts. At first it hit me hard and I felt really ashamed for doing something I hadn’t in so long. Especially when I want to be a helping hand. But, it happened and I’ve been re-reminded by those around me that I don’t have to do that. There are so many amazing people here willing and ready to offer a friend hand so that you don’t have to feel alone.

Dan suggested that maybe I read and work through their book Re-Write. So I began reading it and working through it. @Kayla was kind enough to hold me accountable and check on me as I worked through it. I didn’t finish the entire book but I got through what I needed from it to get back in the right head space and feel better. I highly recommend that you maybe try this book as you get through these self destructive feelings. It’s a really good book. Anyone in the Heart Support team and stream can help you get one of these books. FREE at no cost to you. They will send it anywhere in the world so that you can have a copy. :heart:

I recently had some friends breakup and it was really hard. As I love them both and they both came to me about their feelings. It was hard advising them because I didn’t want to recommend anything hurtful to each other. Even if the healthy advice was a little hurtful. So I tried mostly to just love them. It’s hard when those you love break up because it can effect you as well if you are friends with both parties. I hope that things heal for all of you so that you can all find a sense of peace.

Much love to you, friend.


#11

@Luca
Hold Fast


#12

Hi Luca,

I totally understand how it feels when you just get weighed down and you feel like that would be the one thing you can control and get a release from.

Reaching out to your parents is a great thing to do, just because it seems like they support you already, and want to make sure you are doing everything you can to stay on track. Don’t take their reactions as disappointment from their side, it’s most likely worry. They care and they love you and want to help you.

I know how things can stack up quick and then you get thrown an emotional curve ball. Try planning things out hour by hour when it comes to finals and dealing with your close friends breakup. You can put aside time to reach out to them and just ask if they are okay, and then give yourself sometime to decompress from your studies.

It’ll all be okay, just take it one small step at a time and remember to breathe.

Hold fast, we are here for you.

  • Josh

#13

Hey Luca,

I just first want to let you know that you are not alone in your journey and struggle with self-harm, so please don’t ever feel that way! We (as a community) will be here to walk along side you and help you in any way possible, because you deserve the love and support.

It’s hard. Self harm promises things, but it never gives. It promises a release, happiness, numbness, and even if it does, it’s only for a short time, and then the pain after is so much worse. I encourage you to look for other ways to cope with those feelings, and find ways to distract yourself from those urges, that are more healthy!

I encourage you to order a copy of rewrite (book about self harm).
~ Here’s the link to buy it: https://heartsupport.com/self-harm/
~ Here’s the link if you can’t afford it, we will send one to you: https://heartsupport-merch.myshopify.com/products/send-me-a-rewrite-book

I also encourage you to order a copy of dwarf planet (book about depression).
~ Here’s the link to buy it: https://amzn.to/2sDyXz1
~ Here’s the link if you can’t afford it, we will send one to you: https://heartsupport-merch.myshopify.com/products/send-me-a-dwarfplanet-book

Please don’t give up, we are here for you, and we believe in you!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey


#14

Hi, guys I just wanted to thank you all for all the help and support. I also just wanted to let people know that I got rid of all my blades today.


#15

Good for you! I’m proud of you! :heart:️ That’s the first step! I know it’s hard to take that step. I’ve been there. Keep holding on my friend!


#16

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I got my copies of ReWrite and Dwarf Planet today. Thank you everyone for the help and support. Much love