I’m selfish according to my parents

I’m a 19 year old college student who just finished her freshman year. I’ve been living at home cuz I’ve been online both semesters. I want to have a good relationship with my parents but it’s hard sometimes bc they have high expectations for me. And I’m not talking about academic ones. Now, I am NOT sure whether they’re actually insane or I’m simply just spoiled but please let me know I really appreciate it! But for example if I buy something from Starbucks, (it’s not for some special event but I’m simply just looking for a refresher after a day at work) they expect me to buy something for my brother at least if not ask the whole family if they would like anything. One time we were at McDonald’s and they literally got mad at me and called me selfish and not caring about anyone just for throwing my drink out after I was done and I didn’t ask either of them if they wanted to finish it bc neither of them ordered a drink for themselves so I thought they were all set and I thought my dad changed his mind when I saw him already finishing up my brother’s so why give him another one yk? One time I ordered clothes from Forever 21 and my mom was like “can u show them to me I’d love to see them:)” not in a controlling way she was just curious to see the cute outfits I got. So I decided to try them on while she was at work but as soon as she came back she asked me if they fit and I said yes and suddenly she gets angry and says “well what about showing it to me!” And then she makes a big fuss about how I don’t wanna interact with her and how I “don’t like her”. I was RLY excited to have my freedom to buy whatever I want ever since I got my own bank acc and a job But bc of the way my parents are like sometimes, A tiny part of me is sometimes scared to shop online or irl bc of how they’ll call me selfish and how I “don’t care about anyone” or how I “don’t care about my family” for not asking them if they want something too, it makes me feel like I’m BEING MONITORED AND I DONT WANT THAT FEELING IM ALMOST 20!! THEY even would bash me for not DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM!! Like cooking them breakfast or cooking them a nice meal. I don’t even fucking cook I just prepare leftover food for myself in the microwave when im hungry. So just because i didn’t randomly out of nowhere made food for them or I’m not the cooker of the family automatically means I had an intent of not caring about anyone?? Really?!! One time my dad LITERALLY got angry at me just because I briefly took out some cheese from the fridge and cut myself some pieces and I didn’t offer them to anyone like wtf (luckily my mom was on my side this time) and there was breakfast all over the table including other cheese. Just a couple hours ago my mom got mad at me just bc I didn’t tell her whether the new dessert we bought from the store that I just ate was delicious or not and bc of that I have communication problems like wtf! She always does that! My dad be calling me selfish and my mom be claiming I have problems with communicating! I want to clarify that in general there is NOTHING wrong with doing all those things my parents want me to do! I honestly wouldn’t mind doing them at all I in fact would love to do them but my point of me telling all this is to talk about THE WAY theyre GOING ON about it! Such as making claims that im selfish, full of myself and how I “hate them” when im not! And it hurts bc I’m someone who values empathy SO MUCH I’m someone who loves to make others happy and I can’t ever hurt someone, hurting isn’t even the last thing I wanna do, it’s not on my list at all! It’s one thing to be nice to your child and never put them down and call them names and then that child does something nice for you but it’s a whole nother thing to expect the best and put them down when they weren’t doing anything wrong or just bc the child didn’t do those expected nice things (as if I could read their mind) it’s just as equivalent of expecting a friend to buy you a present on a completely casual day no event, no party, nothing, yk what I mean? And honestly the main reason I don’t do those things for them is cuz they keep calling me selfish for not doing it. If just makes me want to do them less and less. It’s also a big reason why I don’t interact with them. To make matters worse, I’m LITERALLY scared of them. I can barely tell them things, I can’t even tell them briefly about how I met one of my high school teachers at work today! That’s how scared I’m of them. When I’m with them, I’m emotionless and quiet cuz I’m scared to show any intense emotion around them for some reason but when I’m around anyone else I’m my normal bubbly self. I can’t even be affectionate with them. I RLY wanna have a better relationship but it’s hard and I get jealous when I see other ppl my age have better relationships with their parents and I feel like I can relate with absolutely no one. And I’m lowk traumatized from not being listened to when I would try to vent about this to a fake friend I once had and then to another one that I had later in my life. My lack of interaction and affection from my parents has caused me to be clingy around friends for years until I finally learned to not be. I cannot wait to finally get the hell outta here and go on campus in 2 months. Please guys let me know what you think, are they really bad or am I just spoiled and selfish and what should I do. I understand it could be worse but jus let me know. Ty:)


I also forgot to mention that I’m terrified of my mom disowning me. I once tried to stand up to her but she screamed at me and said she doesn’t have a daughter anymore (she actually said that a couple times) one time she didn’t talk to me for an entire weekend and it traumatized me. Now I’m scared of pissing my mom off too much bc I’m worried she’ll never talk to me again so yea

Okay. So I understand how you feel. I empathize. What I do when I’m overstressed like that, is I just lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I take a phone or IPad in with me, and a pair of headphones, so that the music that I love can keep me company. The music that I truly love is that which deletes my stress and depression and reminds me of my true joys and sorrows. The music that makes me cry not out of being overwhelmed, feeling empty and hyperventilating, but tears because of overwhelmment of true feeling.

I hope my advice helps. Pm me anytime if you want to talk, though I may be late in answering because my mom tries to force me off of heartsupport.


Hey @grigorievkatya,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing about all of this here. It is absolutely understandable to feel lost regarding this situation and to ask for other opinions. So, I’ve read all of it, and I wanted to share my view on it.

I personally don’t think that you are behaving like a spoiled “child”. To me, your parents, or at least clearly your mom, are having some issues on their own, which makes the way they communicate pretty wrong and unhealthy. When there is an issue of any kind, the role of a parent is to be able to not lose their temper, to not be resentful, but instead to create a healthy and calm communication. That’s not what happened with your mom, and I see some red flags there in the way she interacts with you: putting the blame on you, pointing out not a situation that would be wrong but something about you (according to her perception), and also trying to guilt you with unfair means (for example, saying that you don’t love them or care about them). These are signs of what we call gaslighting, which is basically to dismiss someone’s voice, perspectives, opinions, and to constantly reject the fault on them exclusively. In a healthier environment, your mom would come to you and say something like “I’ve noticed something that bothered me and I would to talk about it with you…”, and overall giving you the space and time to learn and grow together. That is not what happened, and, in my opinion, it is not on you, but on them.

Also, a thought that just crossed my mind: is this perception of you being selfish something that has been ongoing for a long time? Because sometimes one event happens and afterwards some people stay stuck with the same perception of someone, which would make almost any situation a way to justify their perception. In other words, if they believe you are selfish and don’t want to discuss or re-evaluate their perception, then they’re likely to keep seeing you as selfish even in situations where you’re not, and overall use opportunities to justify that. It’s not necessarily done consciously, but it’s something we can all do at some point, depending on the situation and how much it triggers our own insecurities. For example: you are cheated on by someone you love but you stay together, then you’ll keep seeing many red flags everywhere, even in situations that are absolutely safe, if that makes sense.

Probably a naive question as well, but how does the conversation go after you are accused of being selfish? Do you manage to tell them your view and why it’s unfair of them to accuse you? Or is there really no space to discuss? Because depending on their capacity to communicate, you might already see if there is a bit of space to try to build healthier ways to communicate in your family. However, so many times people are not ready for that, or never learned how to do that, and it might be disappointing for you to realize that a wall might separate you for a long time. It’s not on you, really. That’s just how it sucks sometimes to have parents who are not ready to be vulnerable, a little more mature, and work with us through something uncomfortable. I have a mom who tends to be like this, and as much as I understand her story and background, basically why she is how she is, it is still something that I don’t want to accept or see as an example in my life. I believe, just by the fact that you’re asking yourself if something is wrong, you are starting to realize that this way to function can’t keep going on as it is. Whether it’s through a proper communication or thanks to a distance, I really hope that you’ll manage to get some relief soon.

It is obvious that you are caring about them, and you probably feel like walking on eggshells right now. I wish your parents were aware of the fact that you are not afraid to question yourself, for the sake of your family. It’s very brave and displays a lot of humility. I hope they will be able one day to follow your example. You are a good human being and a good daughter, no matter what. Be gentle with yourself, okay? Your voice matters, your joys and your deceptions matter, your LIFE matters. You are loved and cared for, and you will always have a space right here to be heard. :hrtlegolove:

Hi Grigorievkatya, there’s a lot at play here. First off, I want to say thank you for sharing this with us. It takes incredible strength to be open about these sorts of challenges. I don’t think you are being spoiled or selfish. I think there are a lot more factors at play, as in Boundaries. That’s a big interpretative scope of understanding that even I find elusive, but just know, you are NOT crazy, you are having a human experience, As for the emotions behind the events, I see you, I hear you, you are not alone in this. <3. You are doing the best you can with what you got.

1 Like

Hey @grigorievkatya! Thank you for sharing your story with us and the situation that you’re going through with your family. We would never think that family could really do this to us, but it happens more often than not. I don’t think you’re being spoiled at all, and you’re just trying to live your life as an adult.

From what you’ve told us so far, I would be inclined to think that maybe your parents are just as scared of you leaving the nest and that added underlying stress could very well be another cause of their knee-jerk responses to you trying to live your own life. The parent’s role should be one of support and comfort, but parents are human and come with their own faults, unfortunately.

Have you had a conversation with them about your boundaries? Or just a legitimate conversation with them being open with your feelings? If not, ya’lls relationship would definitely benefit from a good heart-to-heart conversation if they allow it to happen.

One thing that you need to hear, is that regardless if your parents are “crazy” or not, your emotions are valid.

Hold fast friend :hrtlegolove:


This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.