I’m so scared of going to school

I haven’t been in school since March I think. I just can’t handle being there anymore. I was always afraid of going to school, but over the years it got worse and worse. Back in 7th grade, I was barely present, because I got sick so much due to all the stress I had. In 8th grade things got a little bit better. Now in 9th grade? The first part of the year was okay. Not good, but okay.
But February this year, everything went downhill. I was ‘sick’ for over two weeks (my heart was beating extremely fast all the time, I was barely able to stand) and ended up in the hospital for two days, actually. That’s also, where my depression and social anxiety where diagnosed. The day I was released from the hospital again, had also been the last day of school we had due to Corona. Home office started after that, and I had to force my way through that. I spilled so many tears in that time, and had so many panic attacks. But I somehow managed. Then, the Corona break was over and I went to school again, for the first time in a while. But things just get worse from there. I had a mental breakdown and panic attack in the second period and ended up going home, because I couldn’t handle it all anymore. I tried continuing with the home office, but that didn’t work out either. One day, I just stopped doing the work we got, because as soon, as I would open the website we use to see what we have to do, I would start to panic and cry. Which I still do sometimes, to be honest.
Tomorrow is our last day, before summer break. And I decided to go, because I kinda miss my friends and everything. But now that I’m sitting here, tomorrow coming nearer and nearer, I’m starting to regret that decision. I almost had a panic attack again, a few minutes ago and I just wanna cry all over again at the thought of going. I can feel the tears already. I feel so, so pathetic. I even talked to my teacher, that I will only stay for like 15 minutes or something, yet the thought of it seems so terrifying. I just want to never go to school at all anymore. I even tried applying for the only other school, we have around here! But they wouldn’t take me, because of my disability.
I want to talk to my mom about it, but I feel like she will just be annoyed with me or something. And I feel, like I’m just letting down my friends, because we really wanted to see each other again.



You can try to talk to your mom. Opening up is hard, but do it a little bit. Later on, it will get better. I’m sorry you are not having a good year. School is tricky. Especially personal life. Keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing. You are blessed. Go and be a blessing.