I haven’t been in school since March I think. I just can’t handle being there anymore. I was always afraid of going to school, but over the years it got worse and worse. Back in 7th grade, I was barely present, because I got sick so much due to all the stress I had. In 8th grade things got a little bit better. Now in 9th grade? The first part of the year was okay. Not good, but okay.
But February this year, everything went downhill. I was ‘sick’ for over two weeks (my heart was beating extremely fast all the time, I was barely able to stand) and ended up in the hospital for two days, actually. That’s also, where my depression and social anxiety where diagnosed. The day I was released from the hospital again, had also been the last day of school we had due to Corona. Home office started after that, and I had to force my way through that. I spilled so many tears in that time, and had so many panic attacks. But I somehow managed. Then, the Corona break was over and I went to school again, for the first time in a while. But things just get worse from there. I had a mental breakdown and panic attack in the second period and ended up going home, because I couldn’t handle it all anymore. I tried continuing with the home office, but that didn’t work out either. One day, I just stopped doing the work we got, because as soon, as I would open the website we use to see what we have to do, I would start to panic and cry. Which I still do sometimes, to be honest.
Tomorrow is our last day, before summer break. And I decided to go, because I kinda miss my friends and everything. But now that I’m sitting here, tomorrow coming nearer and nearer, I’m starting to regret that decision. I almost had a panic attack again, a few minutes ago and I just wanna cry all over again at the thought of going. I can feel the tears already. I feel so, so pathetic. I even talked to my teacher, that I will only stay for like 15 minutes or something, yet the thought of it seems so terrifying. I just want to never go to school at all anymore. I even tried applying for the only other school, we have around here! But they wouldn’t take me, because of my disability.
I want to talk to my mom about it, but I feel like she will just be annoyed with me or something. And I feel, like I’m just letting down my friends, because we really wanted to see each other again.
2 Likes
You can try to talk to your mom. Opening up is hard, but do it a little bit. Later on, it will get better. I’m sorry you are not having a good year. School is tricky. Especially personal life. Keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing. You are blessed. Go and be a blessing.