I’m so toxic to those who love me

Back again posting, I have been dealing with my bipolar disorder for years and still can’t find a permanent way to cope with it. I have found plenty of temporary fixes but my low days ruin all the progression. So many people have tried to help me out of love and I end up just hurting them. My girlfriend well ex girlfriend now has been trying so hard to help me and stay hopeful in our relationship but all I do is say bullshit words like “I’m going to fix this” I’m going to change for you and she trusts me with all she can and ignores what others say about me but I just end up ruining it all and proving them right and hurting her more. I’m killing her more than killing myself. I thought I was the antidote to her past pain but I’m just making it worse if anything. Whenever I end up drinking or doing drugs I change to a totally different person and say or do such cruel things to her. I’m losing everything including myself and just don’t have the energy to keep going. In and out of behavioral hospitals, therapy, medicine, and support has not helped me over these rough 7 years. Just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m ready to tap out.

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@JoTooKawaii

Don’t beat yourself. You learn your mistakes. This post shows you care. You have the power to improve. Thank you for sharing. I hope you will feel better. If you want to vent more, this community is here with you and for you.

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