Where did things go wrong? Such a happy and vibrant kid to a miserable and unhappy 39 yr old man. This life has been great to an extent. I have two amazing kids. They’re truly my world. They make a man like me proud to be a dad to them. The sad fact is they could’ve had a better father. I hope they don’t turn out like me. I hope both of my children go on to accomplish many great things in their lives.
I’m not sure where things turned for me. I can’t recall the moment. The day. The time. Something in me just shutdown. I became numb to everything around me. I guess I jumped into things to quickly. I can’t love her like she needs, wants, or deserves. I’ve hurt her so many times and now I’m dead inside to the things that she’s done over time. I often think of this world without me. I’m sure I’ll disappoint a lot of people. Some will be sad but honestly life goes on. Right? Death happens every day. Mine was chosen to end a little early. No more pain. No more tears. No more battling these demons inside my head. Wishing I was stronger to outlast and fight them off just one more day. The things that go through my mind would take ages to unravel. The reality is you’ll see who your true friends are…who will stick around and who will be temporary??? That’s how you know true friends. At the end of the day the decision is how to end the hurt. Either decision is going to crush many people. The damage is done already. The choice is how to stop my pain. The ball is set in motion and now it’s fates decision how this will be decided. I’m in a situation where I have something good in front of me but I’m so scared to lose the one thing that I can’t have at the moment. I’ve contemplated this decision for years. From being molested at an early age, again when I was older, and to the many horrific things I’ve seen as a fireman. How do you tell a mom that her 15 mo. old child is dead? How do you tell a mom her 18 yr old daughter overdosed by huffing? How do you tell a wife and kid that her husband and father died watching TV? How do you unsee death and destruction. How do you erase these things from your memory bank. These are things I battle on a daily basis. I think back to the night of my injury. I remember everything about that night. I play it over and over in my head thinking if I could’ve done something different. If waiting 10 seconds would’ve changed things. I could’ve double checked the map, took longer putting shoes on, taken a different route…I worked in that area for 5 years. Drove that route 1200+ times…that night changed everything. No more firefighter. No more having an identity. No more steady job. No more being remembered as someone who is looked up to. Nothing. It all stopped at the snap of a finger. I often think of dying that night. My kids would have been well taken care of. J would be remarried to someone that makes her truly happy. Someone who isn’t miserable and unhappy. Someone who would love her and treat her the way a wife should be treated. The kids would have a figure in their life who could hopefully be a better support system. A man who made tons of cash and could do things with them I never could afford to do. My only hope is that they would stay true to who they really are and live out their lives to the fullest. They both have big dreams. This world better be ready for the two of them.
To the rest of my friends…some of you closer than others. Please take care of my family. Some of you will stick around for brief moments and others will stick around for a while. Please make sure my kids stay true to themselves and fulfill all their dreams. Love on them. They’ll need it!
To my wife - I’m sorry I couldn’t be the husband you needed. You wanted. You married. I did many things in our marriage and you stuck by me through it all. I’m not sure why but my demons are just too much to deal with. I’m tired of being here. Tired of being alive. I’m just tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of being in pain from my injuries. Tired of being angry on all the time. Tired of being someone I’m not. Our last three fights were all about divorce. I guess I fell out of love with you for so many stupid reasons. I can’t love you like you need to be loved. I can’t be that guy anymore.
To my “Ally” - This world deserves more people like you. I was “Jack” for a few months and it was amazing. I’ve not had those feelings in a long time. You made a guy like me realize that love was possible again. In the end my situation can’t allow me to be with you like we not want. I thought I could fight this but I can’t. Just like Jack I too will lose this battle. You’re my best friend. I hope you never forget me. I hope you find someone who will love you like you need to be loved. I hope you don’t have to endure the hell you’ve had to live with in those first 10 years. I truly wish things could’ve been different.
My kids - You made a guy like me weep like a baby. You’re truly the best kids on the planet. I know you will each fulfill your dreams and be well known around the world. Each of your births were two of the greatest things ever witnessed by me. Each of you unique in your own way. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the dad you needed or deserved. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be as strong as you wanted me to be. I’m sorry I was a disappointment to you. I couldn’t afford all the nice things like many of your friends had. I’m sorry I chose a life that would scar my brain with things I wish I never had to see. I’m sorry that I made choices years ago that would have an impact on you today. I’ve prayed for each you many times. I hope that you both can forgive me for this.
To the rest reading this…Get help. Ask for help. Plead for help. Get on your knees and scream until someone listens. Don’t bottle it up inside. Don’t let the demons rid you of this world. You have to fight. Fight like your worth fighting for.