I’m spiralling again

[HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease]

haha it’s me again, hi :]

i vented this to someone else before, but i wanted to post here as well with a few additions that i felt my friend shouldn’t have to hear. but i’m a little calmer now, after writing it down. but i’m still shaking and breathing has not become much easier either. i just really want to die at this very second. 17 days clean and i almost threw it away again, but the urge has lessened a bit.

my mood just went from zero to six feet underground and i really want nothing more than to unalive myself. i’m shaking and i can’t breathe, i’m on the verge of tears and i dont know why. everything just went to shit but at the same time nothing happened. i feel so emotionally numb all the time but at the same time everything is way too much for me to handle anymore. i’ve been ghosting almost everyone i know for the last two to three weeks and i just have absolutely no energy anymore.

i always act like your typical happy-go-lucky person, honestly. i joke a lot, i try to make people laugh and try to just have a rather optimistic view of things in general. but at this point it’s all more to distract myself from the feeling of dread and worthlessness inside of me. nothing feels like “me” anymore. i act different with every person i know, i unconsciously act similar to them and i don’t know who i actually am. it’s like there is no actual me anymore.

[Mystrose]

Hi @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease So awesome for making 17 days clean and getting thru those tough urges. I get sudden rushes of emotions a lot when I get triggered and it’s hard to make sense of them. I have to walk away from everything and try to calm down and think. Its better for me to do that first then act on my impulses and make things worse, which is usually the result.

I think a lot of us act like we are OK around people when we aren’t. Joking around is a defense thing and I know I do it too. Inside, we aren’t laughing tho, huh? I do it without knowing I’m doing it depending who I’m with or what I’m doing, so I get you.

I’m sorry you’re going thru all of this, but know that you’re not alone. We are here!

[Kattelogger]

Hi Friend,
First of all, thank you for sharing it here with us too!

Unfortunately the progress we do, also include some steps back sometimes. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but rather a way for our brain to deal with it all.
I am proud of you for reaching out when it has come back though, that is very strong, and a very good coping mechanism to use in these situations. As you say, the feeling has lessened, even if it hasn’t gone away it has become better.

And i think you can really proudly hold on to you 17 days clean <3

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Helloo again @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease I am pleased you have calmed down a little, Can I say to start with that 17 days clean is amazing and I am so pleased that you only almost threw it away and the thought that you wrote here instead of actually throwing it away is wonderful and im proud of you for that. Thank you. I am sorry you are struggling a the moment, you sound so mixed up and not sure of your feelings its almost like if you were to completely give in to them you fear you would break which is why perhaps you act as if you are happy go lucky? either its not wanting others to know how you are feeling or you are trying to convince your own mind that you feel ok. I want you to know that you are not worthless by any means you are a superb human being, you are valuable, you are worthy and you are heard. I understand your tiredness but do try to be kind to yourself, treat yourself with the love you deserve and recognise your feelings and then you will begin to recognise yourself more. I belive in you.
Much Love Lisa

[SuchBlue]

It’s never easy to show what your real character is when you’re there, talking to someone and socialising. The brain just gets overloaded with angry feelings and you have no idea what to do. Calm down, listen to some music, do what makes you relax. And if you do not know what that hobby is, then now is your time to find it! I know, it’s easier said than done but if you give it enough time it is definitely possible.
It is very sad to hear that you are feeling like this, and I wish you all the best that you feel better
Congrats on your 17 days clean btw
~SuchBlue

[Ora]

Hey! I noticed this post, and tbh I have no experienxe in comforting people, but there is so much to life! 17 days clean is amazing, some people can’t dl it so Im proud of you! It will start getting better, but youll have to be patient. I appreciate that youre telling on this

[Micro]

Hey friend,

I’m proud of you for not giving in the urge to hurt yourself. 17 days is a huge accomplishment, and I absolutely believe in you and your ability to make it to the next day without any harm. This is a rough time, a wave to ride, and you will make it through while staying safe.

Once again I’m absolutely blown away by your ability to reach out and be vulnerable - not only with us, but also with people you trust and share your life with. You are truly wonderful and your resilience is inspiring.

I often shut down and withdraw socially when I’m feeling pretty low, prone to self-doubts or crippled by fears. It’s a pretty normal reaction - your energy and focus is already somewhere else and you’re doing what you can to survive. Your energy becomes limited and is more precious than ever. It’s okay to need to be a little bit more on your own. But make sure that it doesn’t turn into an unhealthy isolation okay? Even just a bit of connection with your friends could be needed. I’m sure they will keep welcoming you with open arms once you would feel a little better too. <3

nothing feels like “me” anymore. i act different with every person i know, i unconsciously act similar to them and i don’t know who i actually am. it’s like there is no actual me anymore.

If you could define yourself, how would it be? I know it’s a tough question though, one that can take time to be responded to, and there is no pressure on my end. Maybe your friends could also help you to answer? Being a kind of social chameleon myself, I get how it feels to be at the same time everywhere and nowhere, to be something to everyone you love and feeling so lost when you are on your own. But there are still parts of you, sides taht make you a unique person. Could it be your beliefs, your values, your dreams, your character, your tastes… and certainly more a combination of all of them.

Learning to know ourselves can be a long journey, but if you start from scratch, it also means that you can only learn to discover yourself and unfold so many aspects of who you are, little by little. I have no doubt that there is a magnificent treasure within your spirit and heart. Even if it has yet to be discovered by you, this is also going to be the most vibrant and fulfilling journey you might have experienced.

“Not all those who wander are lost”.

[DustintheWind]

Hello friend! Congratulations on being clean for 17 days! That’s an amazing achievement and I’m glad the urge has lessened some. I hope you keep it up and it keeps getting easier. I know you just posted this a very short time ago but I hope your mood gone back to zero a bit or even better than that. And if not, then hopefully you will get back there soon.

That happens to me a lot, too. I’ll get overwhelmed and feel completely empty at the same time and everything just goes crazy inside my mind and manifests itself physically. When it happens I try to just freeze everything and take it one breath at a time until I can hold onto something. I recognise that it will pass and I believe it will for you too. Just don’t do anything besides focus on breathing no matter how difficult it seems a task. Just breathe and let your mind catch up to your emotions. Nothing is urgent. You don’t have to do anything else in that moment. It’s okay to not have the energy to interact with people when you are feeling really bad. You don’t want to cut yourself off from everyone but you don’t need to expend energy you don’t have either. If someone messages you you can send a quick response that you aren’t able to talk or something so they know you are there or even just an emoji. If you feel you need to respond at all so you don’t feel like they are being ghosted.

It’s hard to find ourselves when we try to be what we think everyone else wants us to be but I hope you are able to find who you are and anyone who truly cares about you will love that person.

Good luck, my friend!

[Sita]

hi hi,
First of all, congrats on 17 like the others said…

But i wanna add to that… Congrats on 17 days and one really hard day! I’m so proud of you for riding this wave of intense emotion, even if you aren’t sure what caused it.

So you got more than just clean days now! You got clean days plus a day when everything was seriously tested, and you found a way to cope with it, deal with it, conquer it.
There was a silent triumph in there, you were more than your brain’s signals or your body’s signals.

So proud of you. Please keep on updating us. Glad you’re here with us, friend!

[Pengyou]

If you feel like there’s no actual ‘you’ anymore, then try your best to remeber who you once were. Induce your senses with things from when you were who you once were, and try your best to be them. Then, maybe there will be an actual ‘you.’

Not being ‘me’ anymore is my absolute greatest fear, so I understand that this is reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy scary.

Keep Holding On. Pengyou