I’m so tired of screwing up and ruining everything for myself. I’m not sure if I’ll job after today. I’ve missed a lot of work because of what I’ve been feeling. I’m tired. How much do I have to deal with before I decide to end it all. My drinking has become a problem that has caused me nothing but shame and embarrassment. My job was the last good thing I had and I’ve managed to ruin it in less than six months. Nothing matters anymore. It’s all pointless and useless.
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All humans are screwups. All humans find inspiration sometimes. All humans suffer. All humans feel despair. All feel hope at times.
Yeah, alcohol is a problem when one tries to deal with depression by consuming a depressant. It’s a very common mistake.
Are you taking notice of the times when you don’t screw up? I’m sure there are a lot of them. When it comes to screwups, it’s good to prioritize between those that aren’t so bad and those that really make life hard. It’s a screwup to not have clean laundry, but in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t so bad. It’s best to not let minor screwups drain self-confidence. Even the most saintly saints can sink into a bottomless pit of despair if they maintain inventory on their typical daily screwups.
More serious screwups require more focus. You’ve screwed up regarding alcohol. You’ve done the opposite of screwing up by acknowledging that you have a problem. The next non-screwup is to get help for it.
I believe there are countless ways in which you are not a screwup. You can be supportive of others. You can make someone’s day with a smile. You can do a lot of things quite well.
Are you in a rut of habitual behaviors? Can you make a few different choices in your daily routine? What did you do to take your mind off of things before you started drinking? Has drinking made you happier, even for a moment? Giddy numbness doesn’t count, as the after effects cancel it completely and leave you feeling worse.
Giving up is the kind of screwup that can’t be survived. Just about anything else can be.
No-thing? You’re both a thing and a person, and you matter. Who doesn’t matter?
Pointless and useless? The existential point is to experience and share love. In that, you are useful and make a profound point.
Suffering and despair is crushing. That’s when we need to reach out to each other. Sometimes the point is the need for someone to reach out to us. That’s when the need becomes a gift, because you’re giving someone an opportunity to find fulfillment through sharing love.
That’s one way in which good is derived from suffering and adversity.
I’m a screwup - among other things! Welcome brother!
Man, I can totally feel your frustration. It’s disheartening to feel like you’re making mistakes all the time. Your mind can be your own worst critic. It is sad that it comes easy to punish and bully ourselves when things go wrong.
For some reason they’re easy to bring back into memory and every time we feel like we screwed up again, it adds onto the pile growing.
Making mistakes is inevitable for all of us sadly, but how we learn to cope with that can be something that can pull us out the other end.
How we learn to minimise the overwhelming feelings around those situations.
We sometimes easily dive straight into the negative core beliefs about ourselves and leave little space to challenge those beliefs.
It could be helpful to keep a thought diary and recognise when those thoughts occur. Sometimes reflecting on them we can come back and discount them. Ie “I think I’m getting fired and I’m a screw up”, but given time to reflect and think, no, you’re not a screw up. Your mental health has been poor and just like physical health, it needs to be looked after and sometimes needs days off.
It can be hard to give ourselves some self compassion. To put a positive turn on it, maybe you’re feeling like you’re a screwup because you do see what you’re capable of. We have to give ourselves the grace of facing tomorrow anew.
Drinking can become an addictive vice, I used to drink a lot because it left me feeling what I thought was happy and I liked drowning out everything with that fuzzy haze. Are you getting support for that?
I hope today has been a chance for you to rest your mind
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