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I’m tired and idk what to do anymore


#1

no one notices i exist anymore. i don’t know why i need attention why being alone makes me feel abandoned but i do and it does. people are better off without me they’d be happier not having me around anymore. my mom hates me and if she doesn’t she’s really bad at making it seem otherwise. she will never own up to being abusive and if anything it’s my fault. i’ve been being impulsive and the few creeps who give me attention i accept it because some attention is better than none right? i’m not dating the guy i love anymore because i know i’m too much for him to deal with. he told me he’s glad i’ve been a constant in his life and he said he appreciates me and he said he’s been sad lately. i don’t want to get in his way and i don’t want to bother him. plus he’ll be okay right? i love him more than anything but the more i’m going the way i am i just can’t possibky be good enough for him. i love him but he deserves better. and i had a dream that he found someone prettier and better than me and i can’t help but think that’s actually happening this exact second but he doesn’t know how to tell me. if i’m dead he won’t have to worry about telling me. if i’m dead i won’t have to ruin every single thing because i have stupid borderline personality disorder. i have too many mental illnesses. i’m a waste of a human. i don’t have friends anymore and on the 10th/11th i had a rlly bad drug relapse and after i told my friend i need to stay sober and now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. i have genuinely no one. and the one person who talks to me guilt trips me so much whenever i remind him were just friends. he says “it’s fine no one cares about me anyways” and “i’m surprised i didn’t go off on you. i’m holding in my anger you should appreciate that” as if yelling at me for how i feel and communicating that is okay. he justifies it by saying he had a bad childhood and his trauma is the only trauma that’s valid according to him. i don’t want to talk to him anymore and i don’t know how to say this or tell him he makes me uncomfortable and drains me. i want there to be an east way to kill myself. just get it out of the way over and done with without giving it a second thought. i want to kill myself more than anything because no one would miss me and everyone is better off and even if i was dead it would be like it never changed anything. i’m sorry if this sounds stupid. i’m tired and i want to sleep but i hate the dreams i’ve been getting lately so i’m sorry if this sounds stupid


#2

My heart. It breaks as I read your words. I hate seeing you in so much pain and feeling so incredibly hard on yourself. My sweet friend. Let me tell you right now how important you are. I know that it may not in the heat of the moment and in the intensity of all the hurt, feel like it. But you are so important. Your life matters. Everything that you feel and carry inside of you matters. Every part of you is of great value. Even if you can’t believe it!

I know the hurts of having a mother who has been abusive. Mentally. Emotionallly. Physically. And failed to ever show me that she loved me if it were true. I grew up feeling like a mistake and hated. Unwanted and unloved. My mother spouts so much hurt at me. I will never understand it. There are times where her words feel like a load trigger aimed right at me. And it is so hard to face it and fight it.

I don’t know your situation with you and your mom or your family. But you have to know, that despite all of these heavy hurts that you carry on your shoulder right now, that you matter. I don’t know you, but I care for you. As a one person to another who has a lot of sadness and mental health issues, I respect you. I appreciate you. Because I know the struggles and the weight that comes with mental health issues. And how hard it can be so often.

I know this may sound hard to hear, but this one person you talk to does not sound healthy at all. The words they are expressing are hurtful. I don’t know their story or why they speak to you like that. But I’m sorry that a friend is not being very comforting.

It’s imprtant to filter those you talk to and give your time and energy. To try to find people who will bring you up, support you, uplift you and encourage you. I know find that is not always easy. And it can be a lonely journey. But there are so many good people here at Headt Support. I hope that there is someone here that can be a friend to you. That’s what this wall is for. I know sometimes it’s quiet till people are awake and able to respond. But I hope that you will hear the voices here, in discord and in stream. And let us be a positive community and force for you to find comfort in.

I know we can’t all solve each other’s problems, but like I told someone else…I reach out here, so that I might be able to find the courage to take the next step forward. Push through another day. And I respond to others so that while this place encourages me, I can encourage you, and we can take the next step forward together.

If we all work together we can be a fighting force. Link arms!

My friend. You are cared for. I hear you. I see you. Maybe take a break from this hurtful friend of yours. Just take a step back. Focus on you. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself take in some fresh air. Let us be a safe place. Recenter and really think if this friendship is worth keeping. And if it is, be up front and let them know they are being hurtful and try to talk through it. A true friend will listen. And if they won’t listen and try to work on it, maybe it’s time to move on.

You matter. You are loved. You are important. You are valued. Please, be gentle with yourself and stay. I want to see you feeling better. I don’t want to see you ever go. I see you. I hear you. You are not alone.


#3

Hey Friend,

First, let me say that the voice that tells you that you are unloved, unworthy, a waste of a human and better off dead is a voice that is telling you nothing but blatant lies. I am truly sorry that the people in your life are not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. It sounds like they are pretty emotionally draining and guilt you a lot. That is not healthy within any kind of relationship, romantic or otherwise. Know that you are so much more than what has been done to you. With abuse, it can be hard not to blame yourself, but the truth is, it was not your fault.

I am very proud of you for wanting to stay sober after your most recent relapse. That takes a lot of courage and strength to commit to. I am sorry though that your friend was not supportive of you when you told her. Know that this community loves you and wants to support and encourage you through that journey.

You also mentioned one of your other friends guilt tripping you whenever you remind him that you are just friends. The feelings he has about you wanting to be just friends and the way he reacts to that is on him. You are allowed to make and keep boundaries with him and do not have to feel obligated to be anything more than friends. It sounds like he drains you more than encourages you and although it is difficult to cut ties, it sounds like that may be what is best for you and your mental health. I would encourage you to be open and honest with him and let him know that you feel uncomfortable and like your wishes are not being respected. There is nothing wrong with communicating how you are feeling even though it isn’t always easy to do.

I know you are in a really tough spot right now and like things may feel like they’re out of control, but I promise you, no one and nothing would be better if you were dead. Keep fighting and know that this entire community loves and values you.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes


#4

Some of what you go through is what i’ve been through , you are not alone. With the attention thing, i know how it feels like you need it and i’ve felt like i’ve needed it to. What i mean by that is that i’ve felt like i needed someone to show me they love me that they care about me and it made me feel like i didn’t know what to do because i was low and wanted.
You are not a waste of a human, you are you , you are human , you are alive . with the disorder tbh i deal with disorders to , I deal with Hypertonic CP and auditory processing disorder. If you were dead people will miss you , you would hurt those who care about you . You don’t have friends? Well i’ll be your friend , I’LL be by your side through every step of your battles.
With the dreams, i have had them to , they may be scary but at the end of the day you need to know its just a dream not reality. You may be suffering but at the end of the day things WILL be better but it will take time to become better . You are not alone.


#5

@LadyMabelton gosh thank you so much for sharing I seriously just want to say you are loved and that I love you. Its hard to be honest with people when you need to be real with people. I seriously personally think this person is not worth your time. Cause you are worth it and if someone is not encouraging you then they are not your friend nor love you.

You will get out of this. You are worth every second and every breath you take. You are loved and I love you.

Hold Fast Friend.


#6

Something that stands out there to me right away. “I want to kill myself so bad” NO. YOU DON’T. I’m stuck in a mindset similar to that. I’ve been in that mindset for a long time. The fact you’re writing here means you don’t want to kill yourself, you just want the feelings and the emotion you’re dealing with to stop. I’m 8 months clean next week, and I still feel that relapsing is the only way I’m going to get through life… In my head, sometimes, the idea of not being able to pick up and get use means that suicide is my only way out. I don’t have people around me physically to support me, and sometimes I feel completely alone, even having these guys and the community online… I’m like meh, they don’t really care, I’m just another person passing through their life, I’m not good enough for them.
You’re not alone. Your feelings aren’t invalid. We love you. Keep reaching out.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#7

Yeah. Ive felt that way. It sucks. It just feels like you have to constantly apologize just for taking up space. Like you feel like you annoy people but at the same time you feel like you need to do more just so others want to be with you. It can be exhausting. But the thing is we don’t ask for this stuff that happens to us. It’s not your fault and you deserve love and life. You are enough. Always remember that.

Love,
Cassie


#8

I heard this … and all I could do was nod. IRL hugs would be best, all I have for you is to say you are now in my life and I will think about you for as long as you’ll let me. Thanks for writing .


#9

It doesn’t sound stupid, dear one.

Struggles are something we all go through, but we don’t have to go through them alone. You’re not alone; you’re not better off dead.
You are cherished. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are worth it. You are worth living for.

You have people. You have Heart Support. You have friends. Please, reach out to them and let them know what you are going through. You have people who want to help you; please let them.


#10

@LadyMabelton

Thank you for being brave, and sharing your story with us.

I too have been in a situation when I felt alone. I was physically and sexually abused by my ex. He was a very charismatic and personable individual, and I had a hard time getting people to believe me. This isolated me away from everyone I cared about, and I turned to bad habits and poor choices to mask my loneliness and mental health struggles.

This situation got so dire, I planned my death; I quit my job, sold everything I owned, and took actions to drive across the country to where no one knew me and wouldn’t miss me.

I am still here. Looking back I honestly have no idea how I managed to survive…but I did. And I will tell you, at my VERY lowest, I was ready to die.

Please don’t give up hope. You are worth it. Your mistakes, who and how you love, your mental health…none of that defines your worth. You do. Start talking about all the good you can do in this world by just being kind, being present, and sharing your story!

We see you, we care, and you are not alone. It will take time, and we cannot change your course, but we will be here to help encourage you to do so because we want you ALIVE.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story.

Be well my friend.


#11

@LadyMabelton Here is our video response from our live stream. Hold Fast.