I’m tired of every single things. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, because I hate myself too much that I feel like I wanna hurt myself and kill myself so bad.
I’m studying for degree because of you all want me to. But have you ever ask me how hard, stressful and tired am I?
Since everything have become online these days, I wake up in the morning and straight away sit in front of the laptop to join the class, but you guys ignore me. You guys ignore me because you guys think I’m just a lazy ass that don’t want to do the house chores.
I rarely tell you guys that I’m sick or in pain, but when you look at my hand swollen because of cat’s scratches, I thought you gonna get worried because cat’s scratch won’t swollen unless it’s infected. Then I know you’re not! You said that I’m just too spoiled and I’m just act like it hurts like hell when the truth is I can’t even move my finger. I wish you guys know what you guys say hurt more then the wound I get.
Do you guys know that I’m terrified of loud noise? But I know that you don’t know, because everyday you wake me up with yell and scream and shout. Do you know how painful is it to have panic attack as soon as you open your eyes?
I rarely at home with you guys, I used to live far away from you guys, and do you guys know that I sometimes regret that I come home to stay at home and lockdown with you guys. Physically I look ok but mentally, emotionally, I’m suffering. It took a lot for me to fight the panic attacks, the urge to hurt myself when I’m around you guys. Even when we did the congregational prayer, I’m fighting the anxiety and panic because of what, because I know I don’t deserve to be in there with you guys! You guys are amazing, fantastic and holy, I’m not!
I’m useless and worthless around you guys! I’m a burden to you guys! I can’t even remember any good memories with you guys because the only memories that I have is I’m being a burden for you guys.
Since I’m little I grow up watching you guys fight a lot, full of yelling, shouting, screaming and violence. Till now I feel like you all fight because of me. I feel like I’m a bad luck! Every time and whenever there’s me, sure there bad things happen. I don’t deserve to be in the family! I’m just some trash even lower than trash!
Honestly I’m tired! Super tired! I feel like I can’t go on anymore! I can’t go through the days by smiling and act like I don’t care when deep inside I got too many pain untold.
I hope I never exist in your family. I’m sorry that I born and exist in your family! I really am sorry! I wish I could lessen your burden by disappearing from your family. Everyday I pray that God will give you all happiness, healthiness and wealthiness. Everyday too I pray that God will put me in most miserable and painful state as a payback for me, payback for me because I born in this world, because I become the burden in your family, because I become the disappointment in your family, because I am too worthless and useless!
I AM SORRY!
I AM SORRY THAT I’M WORTHLESS!
I AM SORRY THAT I’M USELESS!
I AM SORRY THAT I’M ALIVE!
I AM SORRY THAT I’M STILL BREATHING!
I AM SORRY!
I AM SORRY!
I wish I have the courage to end it soon, so that you don’t need to deal with WORTHLESSBUM anymore, and you all will live happily!
I AM SORRY!
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Hey friend,
You’re not useless. You’re not worthless. And I hope that letting out this anger, energy, pain, has been helpful to you. Stay safe, okay? You seem to be under a lot of pressure, of stress right now. It’s okay to say it, to share about how you feel.
I don’t exactly know to who you’re adressing this message. But know that you are seen here, and heard. You’re not alone.
Take care.
You have breath in your lungs.
And you have the right to exist.
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