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I’m tired of keeping all this to myself

Let me start off by saying this - I’m not normally one to talk about my problems. Not to strangers. Not to people I considered close to me. I’ve tried before in the past but people I considered my friends always made me feel bad for doing so. No one really cares or listens to me, but they’re quick to judge and kick me when I’m already down - or walk away completely. So this is going to be a struggle for me to get out, but I really need too.

Like most of you, I’ve had a really hard life. I’m completely alone. I was bullied very harshly throughout school. I never had a real friend. Never had a real relationship with another person in life. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times. I was institutionalized when I was a teenager. I’m dealing with the constant torment of thoughts I do not want.

Everyday… all I do is lay in bed and I contemplate killing myself. I see what needs to be done, I see what I could do to improve my life… but those things are completely out of my reach. I have no one to help me. I have no money to fix surface issues. I have no transportation. I’m terrified. I’m stuck here in hell with no way out.

All my hobbies no longer satisfy me. I don’t know what it feels like to be happy. I am completely numb to everything but this pain I feel. All I want is a friend, someone else to share my pain with… but I can’t even find that. It’s hard and I feel like people are better off without me. I used to try to put myself out there, but no one noticed me. I feel like I’m a ghost. So I don’t even try anymore, even though the loneliness is unbearable.

I don’t know what to do. The thoughts will not go away. I tried to find happiness in being a better person. Treating others better than they treat me, helping them but they just burn me afterwards. The day resets. I’m still alone. No one is reaching out to me. Just me and the cats.

I’m sick of waiting for apologies I’ll never receive. Maybe I never deserved them. Maybe I am the one to blame. People have warped my mind so badly I don’t know what to think and maybe the lies are the truth. Maybe I am everything that they said I was. Horrible. Worthless. Never going to have a family. Always going to be living in fantasyland.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this. It’s killing me.

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I’m so sorry you feel so alone. I’ve been there and I still go back to that feeling sometimes. I wish I had more helpful words to give but i want you to know you’re not the only one who goes through this. There’s a lot of us, we’re just not the easiest to find since we’re so quiet. Finding communities definitely helps. Discord communities can be great places to
find good genuine friends with common interests. I’m very shy, so them being online instead of in person really helps me out too. I hope you find some comfort, my friend.

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Greetings togekiss - welcome to heart support!

Every week I try to find a few posts to respond to as part of my mental health stream and this week I picked yours. Your post is so well written it struck me that you must have been writing and rewriting this over and over to get it perfect, thus reiterating your pain.

Thank you for taking the time.

The struggle after reading it, for me at least, was to come up with a good response - because you’ve seen/heard it all - but then I caught your quote above, and it seemed clear.

You’ve obviously seen some stuff, been through some horrible stuff and it’s shaped you into who you are today. That inpatient/institutionalization has likely left you with a horrible taste in your mouth and reflection on the mental health system, but, I hope you were able to take something away from it, as, sadly, that system is all that generally all we have.

Honestly, it sounds like you’ve been depressed for a really long time. Overtime that snow-ball of things has gathered more and more steam as it’s rolled down the hill of your life… crushing all in its path. As you are now you’re sitting in that aftermath with seemingly no where to turn - yet here you are, still sitting, persisting. Something is going in your favor no matter how small.

From a treatment perspective, if you can find the energy, the option is to find a therapist (perhaps e-therapist) that can meet your needs and a psychiatrist (with gene-site testing to see what medications your body metabolizes correctly), so you can move forward. There’s a road ahead, but finding an adequate provider is super important. Finding a therapist that works for you, not necessarily that you like, is essential - just like medications. If you don’t like the side effects request a change, until you can’t…

To address your initial quote directly - you’ve found the right spot. We’re all friendly here. You are valued and appreciated for all that you are and you’ve been through.

Please let me know if you’d like to talk further - I’d love to help if able.

Thanks,

DrDyaus

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