Let me start off by saying this - I’m not normally one to talk about my problems. Not to strangers. Not to people I considered close to me. I’ve tried before in the past but people I considered my friends always made me feel bad for doing so. No one really cares or listens to me, but they’re quick to judge and kick me when I’m already down - or walk away completely. So this is going to be a struggle for me to get out, but I really need too.
Like most of you, I’ve had a really hard life. I’m completely alone. I was bullied very harshly throughout school. I never had a real friend. Never had a real relationship with another person in life. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times. I was institutionalized when I was a teenager. I’m dealing with the constant torment of thoughts I do not want.
Everyday… all I do is lay in bed and I contemplate killing myself. I see what needs to be done, I see what I could do to improve my life… but those things are completely out of my reach. I have no one to help me. I have no money to fix surface issues. I have no transportation. I’m terrified. I’m stuck here in hell with no way out.
All my hobbies no longer satisfy me. I don’t know what it feels like to be happy. I am completely numb to everything but this pain I feel. All I want is a friend, someone else to share my pain with… but I can’t even find that. It’s hard and I feel like people are better off without me. I used to try to put myself out there, but no one noticed me. I feel like I’m a ghost. So I don’t even try anymore, even though the loneliness is unbearable.
I don’t know what to do. The thoughts will not go away. I tried to find happiness in being a better person. Treating others better than they treat me, helping them but they just burn me afterwards. The day resets. I’m still alone. No one is reaching out to me. Just me and the cats.
I’m sick of waiting for apologies I’ll never receive. Maybe I never deserved them. Maybe I am the one to blame. People have warped my mind so badly I don’t know what to think and maybe the lies are the truth. Maybe I am everything that they said I was. Horrible. Worthless. Never going to have a family. Always going to be living in fantasyland.
I don’t know how much longer I can take this. It’s killing me.