I’m tired of living

HeartSupport Support
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I’ve been struggling for such a long time now, that I’ve become progressively more miserable and have absolutely no interest in life itself anymore.
I don’t fit in anywhere, I have no reliable or caring friends or family, I was made redundant from my work and I can’t put any more pressure on my girlfriend; I will have to the right thing and leave her so she doesn’t blame herself.

I don’t see a point in continuing any longer; I’ve spent so much time in searching for my purpose, a meaning, that i think Its a wasted endeavour.

I have been to doctors and therapists of which were no help at all. I’ve listened and followed every piece of advice given to me also on routines, fitness etc, I have always kept very fit regardless it makes no difference.

I’m sick of living in misery, walking through every day like a fog - Although I’m not against trying to change my mind, I have made a plan and Intend to act on it soon when I see fit.

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Hey @Sm1995,

Thank you for sharing and being here. Really. It can be uncomfortable to open up about how we feel. Yet you’re here and I’m grateful to you for that. Thank you. :hrtlegolove:

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so down recently. It’s hard to feel like nothing works, like no matter how much efforts you put in yourself, it never seems to be enough. Having a chronic depression myself, I’ve been feeling in similar ways so many times. Like hitting a wall again and again. It’s draining, disappointing, exhausting. I hear you.

But… hey, we’re here right? We’re breathing. We’re alive. It means that brighter days can happen. It means that there is hope. And as you are here right now, I want to believe that deep inside you know you have this little spark of hope. And it’s very precious.

Friend, I want to encourage you get rid of the plan you made. To fight against that. Please, keep reaching out. Talk to your girlfriend. To people who make you feel safe. You are not a burden. You are loved and cared for. And when we’re struggling, we can tell ourselves a lot of lies. About life, about ourselves, about others, everything. And that’s why we need others to remind us some truths during those dark times. Know that there are people right here to support you, with this community. But I’m also concerned by your safety and I hope you’ll talk about what’s going on in your close surroundings. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:

I don’t see a point in continuing any longer; I’ve spent so much time in searching for my purpose, a meaning, that i think Its a wasted endeavour.

The point of continuing is you. Because you’re here, you’re existing, and because there’s no one like you on Earth. You are a unique individual who has a lot to offer to this world. But also a lot to receive from it. You didn’t waste your time by searching for your purpose. It’s a question that we all have in our heart. And a huge one. We all need to live a life that is fufliffing to us. And it’s not easy to identify what a meaningful life is. There’s as much as responses as their are human beings. The answers are highly personal. It takes time. It also requires us to gives ourselves the grace we need along the process. It’s a journey. But it’s worth it. And through all the experiences you had in your life, even this moment right now, you can always learn something about yourself, your desires, dreams, feelings.

I have been to doctors and therapists of which were no help at all. I’ve listened and followed every piece of advice given to me also on routines, fitness etc, I have always kept very fit regardless it makes no difference.

That’s so awesome to know that you’ve been trying to receive some help, follow their advices and try to stick to a routine. I hope you are proud of yourself for that. Hope you take the time to acknowledge your efforts. It’s important.

Also, for what it’s worth, I know from experience that 1) it can be hard to find the right therapist, can take some time and require for us to try different ones; 2) all therapies are not necessarily adapted to us, depending on what our struggles are; 3) results can take a certain time before you see them. What didn’t work with those therapies? What could be improved? Do you think it was long enough to perceive the effects of it? You’re at a crossroad right now. And those are questions you can ask yourself as a first start. I know… it’s about trying again. But it’s worth it, friend. It really is. There are new adjusments to make here. New strategies to find. You can learn from those experiences to find something that could help you more effectively. I know this struggle of navigating between different solutions and feeling like nothing works. It’s frustrating. But we also need time for this, for oruselves, and we need tons of compassion through this process.

I’d like to leave here some resources that I hope will cheer you up and inspire you to keep going, to work on how you feel and think about new strategies to develop. But, first of all, please, if you feel like things are getting too dark, call a crisis line:

https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/why-suicide-makes-sense-and-why-you-still-shouldnt-do-it/14163/

https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/hold-fast-you-can-make-it-through-this/13992

You are loved and cared for. Right here and right now. :hrtlegolove:

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Thanks for the response.

That’s the problem I have no desire to continue, there is no hope; my existence is painful and a entirely pointless one.

I have no place in this world or anything to offer. I have no interest in pursuing or receiving anything apart from my own death.
I have no desires, no dreams and the only thing I feel is that I’ve had enough of living.

I will not get rid of my plan, it is now the only thing I have left. The next time I speak to my girlfriend it will to be to end the relationship and my final goodbye.

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Hey @Sm1995,

Just want you to know that I’m not ignoring your response. Checking in on you today. How are you doing?

What you said doesn’t reflect reality, friend. But I hear you. I understand what it implies to say that kind of thing about yourself. I’ve been there, with the same mindset as yours, at different moments in my life, and even recently. Because this quarantine just sucks. And I repeated to myself some lies I was believing in, because it felt safer that way.

I’ve been struggling for such a long time now, that I’ve become progressively more miserable and have absolutely no interest in life itself anymore.

You said you’ve been struggling for a long time. Are there underlying reasons for that? Things you would like to talk about? Because personally I had a similar feeling as yours, for as long as I can remember. But I also know that it comes mostly from a combination of difficult events that happened to me and the fact that I’ve been carrying a chronic depression. Those are objective circumstances that could be difficult to anyone else. But it doesn’t define me or my life. What about you?

I have no desires, no dreams and the only thing I feel is that I’ve had enough of living.

Well, how you feel is understandable. Though, you inner life is not empty. And somehow, you are here for a reason. And you said it:

Although I’m not against trying to change my mind

So, let’s try to work as a team here, okay? How can we encourage you and support you? What could help you to feel a little better right now? What you really want is not disappearing, my friend. You want to live a better life. Which is absolutely natural. We all do. And sometimes our paths are made of tough obstacles. You can overcome them. But this life needs you for that. We as a community here need you to give yourself the chance to see that times holds a great importance when we’re struggling. Give yourself this time, friend. Life is not just about enduring. It’s more than this.

Hang in there. :hrtlegolove:

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It reflects my reality perfectly; bound to despair, loneliness around others, a pointless existence.
I have little interest in continuing this awful existence. Although I wish you and others the peace that they long for its something that I will never be able to comprehend again.

There are no underlying reasons, only what I have discovered about myself in the past and present;
The meaningless of objectivity, reality of dreams, the truly pointless endeavour that is life.
I am extremely tired of pursuing this life of despair.

What would make me feel better is not appropriate to write given the basis of this forum.
Although I’m not completely against changing my mind,This was the purpose of the original post.
I don’t know how.
Time is relative to only those who need it. I have no aspiration to continue so time is not something abundant in my life.

I appreciate the kind messages, i truly hope you and others find their peace.

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It reflects my reality perfectly; bound to despair, loneliness around others, a pointless existence.

Yes, it reflects your reality. And that’s something really important that you said here. It means this is based on how you feel at the moment. Meaning this is subjective. I’m not saying it’s not real, not valid. I know how much it is real for you, in your heart and your mind, and how much painful it is. I’m only saying that when we are very depressed, we can have this kind of veil in front of our eyes that prevents us to see any beauty in this world, in others, and in ourselves.

You said you wanted your mind to be changed. I think this is right here in this perception. And this is exactly why such a community exists. So you can ask: is my mind tricking me? Is my heart too heavy right now to perceive things clearly? So others can remind us that things can be different. That there can be this huge gap between how we feel and how life is, or can be.

I know how much deep and real are your feelings right now, and how convincing can be the conclusions that you have, based on those feelings. This is something that is mentioned in a TedxTalk that I personally particularly appreciate. It helped me when I was going through some pretty dark times. It is said very well in the middle of his speech, and his conclusion is right: “I had learned in my own depression how big an emotion can be, how it can be more real than facts. And I have found that that experience has allowed me to experience positive emotions in a more intense and in a more focused way.”

And that is why time is needed for you as well. Too many lives on this Earth has been blown away because of inner lies, inner struggles while time was required for them to see their perceptions being changed, having a different shape. I know it’s scary though. To rely on time, on others, especially when they’re just strangers. Especially when you are struggling at the present moment, intensely. It’s like you’re seeing something as being red while others are telling you “no, no, it’s blue, trust me”. You can conclude that they’re just stupid, wrong, blind or liars.

But I’ll tell you again: yes, things can be different. But it requires your own participation, friend.

Trust is difficult to accept, and to keep. And truths can be painful to admit as it doesn’t match with how we feel. I get that. Trusting others, but also yourself, can feel very risky. But as human beings, we all need each other. Especially when we’re going through some dark paths. And that comes from someone who can tell you, right now: “I see the two colors of this thing. Yes it’s red to you. And yes you can learn to see it as being blue”. It’s okay to be hurting, disappointed and to rest. But also, yes, you can experience something better. With time, compassion and love for yourelf.

This forum is full of messages of people who are going through similar feelings, thoughts, lies. Oh, the list of lies we can believe about this world and ourselves is endless… It can be about anything. But through all of these uncertainties, these doubts disguised in self-fulfilling prophecies, we are not alone. We, as human beings, can reflect on others experiences and realize that, finally, what we are going through, no matter what it is, is something we can overcome.

Try to talk to your girlfriend. Try to talk to a doctor. Again. Yea, I know. It’s exhausting. But you can do it. And if it was really exhausting already, if you felt alone before, know that you have us as a community here to support you. You’re here because indeed you want to change your mind. Your heart wants it. But it’s divided right now.

I want to share and quote to you this other video from the HS Youtube channel:

“The failure is a painful thing, right? It’s an awful thing to fall through the ground below when you want to grab that trapeze. All the way down, you can beat yourself up, callling yourself worthless for losing your grip again. And what’s worse is the crippling pain when you hit the ground.”

“Find an environment where it’s okay to fail. Surround yourself with people who will love you even when you’re not perfect. Hang around the crowd that will be your safety net. We’re stronger together in life. Because when we fall down, we can pick each other back up and give others the courage to try, and try again.”

This community here can be this safety net for you. And as you are here right now, I want to believe that you know it.

You are in a process of learning how do to with life and how to do with the obstacles on your road.
I believe in your capacity to reflect on yourself and try again.
I believe in you.

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I can assure you it is not subjective to this moment, this has been for a long time now and I have had enough. In this moment I am walking a fine line between death and pointlessly existing for how long I don’t know, time has no relevance to me anymore.
There is certainly no veil over my eyes, I have spent hours reflecting on my reason for existing, my future and thus I see clearly; only the loneliness, pain and lack of hope for now and the rest of my existence. That is not my definition of beauty.

lies are only lies when you are twisting what you know to be true; I have always been completely honest with myself.
I will never trust others, others will only show a false interest for a gain of their own; be that financially or to signal their virtues. I have spoken to several medical professionals and others; they aren’t interested, there is no fix for something as broken as I am.
I have pushed my girlfriend away and ended things so that I am completely alone. its for the best so that way she wont blame herself in the end.

I have tried and I thank you for your attempt to help, but I think I am past that point now and there’s only way out now.

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I can assure you it is not subjective to this moment, this has been for a long time now and I have had enough. In this moment I am walking a fine line between death and pointlessly existing for how long I don’t know, time has no relevance to me anymore.
There is certainly no veil over my eyes, I have spent hours reflecting on my reason for existing, my future and thus I see clearly; only the loneliness, pain and lack of hope for now and the rest of my existence. That is not my definition of beauty.

We’re more likely to reflect on ourselves when we are struggling. And, for sure, the conclusions can only be negative. This is something that has also been particularly true for many of us during this whole quarantine/covid situation. Maybe you’ve been feeling that too.

But I hope you’ll allow me to doubt that your entire life is about pain and lack of hope.

First, in regards of your past, I guess you’ve been through plenty of different experiences, and not only painful ones. Just because… that’s how life is. Even if in your balance you perceive the darkness as being heavier right now, I highly doubt that you don’t know what smiling, being happy, feeling loved means. Otherwise, your heart wouldn’t miss it right now.
Also, in regards of your future, let’s be honest: no one knows how it’s going to be. And your past experiences doesn’t define your future. Unless you allow it to be.

For sure, we don’t know each other. I don’t know your own story unless you’d like to share it. Just like you don’t know mine. But something that goes beyond our stories is that life is more complex. It’s not black and white. Though, the conclusions that are tempting you right now certainly prevent you to ignore the positive ones. Because it hurts, and it’s scary. I understand that. Happiness couldn’t exist without sadness. Love without loss. Companionship without loneliness. Those are two sides of the same pieces. Question is: don’t you think that the bright sides are worth the effort? You certainly have at least one memory when you felt happy, or just deeply alive. This is beauty. This is what is worth living. Experiences change all the time. We can’t be constantly okay. Just like we’re not doomed to feel this darkness constantly.

What are your fears right now?

Also, we’re having quite a conceptual conversation here.
But what are you missing in your life right now, concretely?

lies are only lies when you are twisting what you know to be true; I have always been completely honest with myself.

I don’t think so. You keep things at the surface. Which I deeply understand and respect. But there is more to acknowledge, understand, and work on. Again, I know it’s scary. With all my heart. And I’m not pushing you to dig deeper here if you don’t want to. But I’ll keep encouraging you to do it at least with someone you trust or make you feel safe. And for what it’s worth, know that I’m honored to see you here and have this conversation with you. I think it’s not easy to talk about those things. Yet the very fact that you accept to show up and share about what’s going on can also be inspiring for others. It’s not nothing. But I hope with all my heart that this could be useful for you before anyone else.

I will never trust others, others will only show a false interest for a gain of their own; be that financially or to signal their virtues. I have spoken to several medical professionals and others; they aren’t interested, there is no fix for something as broken as I am.
I have pushed my girlfriend away and ended things so that I am completely alone. its for the best so that way she wont blame herself in the end.

I’m sorry you pushed her away. I don’t know anything about how your relationship is, but I do know from experience that pushing away people because we think we’re not worth them is a lie. I repeated this to myself so many times. I wasted too many relationships. And I let myself drowned when I needed to be reminded that I am loved.

You matter, friend. Your existence matter. For sure… trust is a huge struggle. Hard to acquire. It’s risky. though, I see you here, responding. It has to mean something, right? You could definitely put me in this “others” category. But I have absolutely no particular interest here, to write all of this, other than knowing how you’re feeling, how we as a community can support you through this dark time. I have no other interest than knowing that you’re safe and you keep fighting for yourself. I want you to be safe, sincerely. I want you to give yourself an other chance. Because the beautiful stories we can hear around us about recovery, healing, are not only meant for others. It’s also for you.

I have tried and I thank you for your attempt to help, but I think I am past that point now and there’s only way out now.

Then try again. I know, I’m annoying. There’s no “past point” in life. You can always get back on your feet. Don’t give up on your life.

I want to leave here again the crisis lines informations. Use them. As much as needed. Nothing is written already. It’s only written in your mind. But sometimes our mind and our heart tricks us.

Hang in there.

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Regardless of conclusions being negative, this is the truth. You’d agree it is pointless to continue doing something you despise; for me that’s life.
I could lie to myself every day that my life will change, give myself false hope and delay the inevitable but that would again be a life of lies, a futile existence.

It is now, from now until the end. There wont be any light at the end of this tunnel; it doesn’t exist.

I knew happiness once, its not something on the horizon for me anymore.
I have pondered my future for countless hours and that is my conclusion; there is nothing for me anymore. Its not about allowance, this is what already set in stone for me; I have thought about this for countless hours.
My only conclusion is that I have no purpose, no meaning, no future.

There is nothing interesting or special about my life, I achieved my dreams and had everything I ever wanted. I found everything materialistic or otherwise wasn’t what I’d hoped, nothing really matters.
Relationships, love and friendships; I feel lonely in everything, I don’t fit in or belong in this world.
I don’t trust anyone regardless of my relation to them, from what I’ve experienced from all of the above people are only interested in themselves, using others to further their own ideals and finances.
When you scratch the surface and reveal that, you begin to realise that there is no ‘beauty’ in this world, just survival and I’m tired of that.

I fear nothing, I have no understanding or concept of fear and never have.
I truly don’t miss anything, there isn’t anything on this earth that I desire anymore.

It is over I have ended our relationship for her own good. I know she’s safe and its so she wont blame herself in the end. The less people around me the less people that it will hurt, I believe its the most decent option to stop others being effected by my eventual demise.

I appreciate the care you have shown however for me I don’t think there isn’t another chance.
I don’t think that people understand that this is not something i’m going to be able to just think away, no remedy; through experience this is how life is it has little purpose and I’m tired of it.

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Um, can I weigh in here? If you kill yourself then all those doubts and fears… have beaten you. this world will have won. Don’t be sad friend, be angry. Be angry enough to show the world that you can survive everything it dishes out. You’re strong enough to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and become your own positive change, we all are and each person on here cares enough to believe that you are strong enough. You’ll stumble but we’ll be here to lend a hand. Dont let the world beat you… be strong!

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@Flash

There are no doubts or fears in my mind. There is no winning or losing; it isn’t a game and if by chance I just keep holding on, what is the point in continuing? I have no interest in anything this world offers anymore, I am purposeless, I find no enjoyment from anything in life and tired of waiting to just eventually just die.

I am not sad, nor will I be angry; emotions have no meaning to me anymore. I have been figuratively dead for a long time now and I have accepted the fact this this will be my end.

I made a promise to keep asking for help until the end and I intend to do so. Although I am grateful for the support, I am doubtful that there’s going to be any change in what I desire now.
I believe people do not understand what I am explaining, that changing my thinking will change reality for me. I have for a long time been tired of life, sick of a life of no meaning and exhausted in finding my purpose. It has and will always be a fruitless endeavour.

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