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I’m tired of tending to this fire

The past few days have been utterly terrible.

I was on birth control and it messed me up.

I’m tired mentally and physically. I need people to leave me alone. I just want to be alone.

Sometimes I just wish I could live alone in my constant sorrow.

Today I had to listen to my sister sob because of how much debt she’s in.

I don’t know how to explain everything that’s wrong because it’s so much.

I’m so tired of being human.

This December marks two years after my grandmothers death and it seams like every year it gets harder. And harder. And harder.

I went off on my sisters boyfriend today because he doesn’t have to listen to my sisters cries; he doesn’t have to listen to her when she’s sad. I’m not wording that right- it’s not that she’s a burden- it’s just her boyfriend doesn’t have to feel that pain of seeing someone you love hurting.

College. I’m failing out of all my classes. Just accept it ok?

The last class is Monday. I’ve already gotten so far behind there’s no saving me. There’s no talking to professors. Basically I’m giving up. These classes are the ones I’m giving up on.

I don’t want to let people in anymore.

I feel like a burden even though I know I’m not; I’m sick of bringing up my issues in streams and talking about them. I’m sick of spreading my problems around.

I’m so tired. I’m so freaking tired. I don’t know how much clearer I can make that.

I’m so tired of certain people; I’m so annoyed by certain people.

I’m going full circle.

I don’t want to define my depression as seasonal because I know it’s a year round thing. It just gets really bad in winter because of everything that’s happened.

I miss my grandma. I miss not having to fight the urge of wanting to die. I miss not having to worry about every little thing. I miss not having to hold the world on my shoulders and all the pain.

I miss my body not aching and my mind not exploding. I miss my head not hurting from how bright the lights are.

I’m tired of tending to this fire. I’ve used up all I’ve collected.

I’m at a point where I have no hope. I don’t feel the good, all I feel is the bad.

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First of all, I am glad that you are also using twenty one pilots to help you get through this. Life is hard. But you can pull through. I also have bad memories of stuff that has happened around this time. Just hold on. You will get better. Stay Alive fren. Its worth it. I promise ll-//

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Thank you. I appreciate your words.

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No problem! I hope you feel better soon!

Dude,

This is so much.
Feels like – where do you even start?
It just feels like it’s…everything.
It’s like every single plate you’ve been trying to spin fell and crashed to the ground, and you’re looking at this room full of broken plates, and the first phrase that comes to your mouth is just…fuck it.
Feels like too much effort to sweep it back up, to find new plates, to try it all again…just feels like you’ll set yourself up for more disappointment and pain. And it’s like – what’s the point?

May it get better for you. Blessed be.