i don’t know what to do anymore and i feel bad for constantly posting on here because i know no one can actually help me out of this situation and i don’t want anyone to feel guilty about it.
i just wish i could leave my house, but i have nowhere to stay and i don’t have any physical resources around me to go to with shelter. i don’t have a car either or public transportation so it’s not like i can just leave the town on a whim. i don’t feel welcome in my town or in my home. my own brain is constantly attacking me, making me think i’m a horrible and disgusting person and i can’t tell if it’s my ocd or if it’s actually me. i don’t want to be a bad person.
i feel so lonely right now. my boyfriend and friend are busy so i feel like i have no one to turn to right now for companionship. which is okay for them to be busy or not want to talk, i want them to feel alright and have their own time.
i’ve been trying so hard with art lately and it doesn’t really help keep the thoughts away. i just want to be okay, that’s all i want. i’ve been doing everything on my part, but i can’t seem to help myself. i feel stuck. i just wish moving out wasn’t so hard. i can’t even get a job in this town, there are very few jobs and i always get a rejection. i definitely don’t want to go to college, i don’t function well in school and don’t have anything to go for and i don’t want to waste my non existent money.
all i do during the day is try to fight off my intrusive thoughts and i’m so tired, i feel so worthless. i definitely wouldn’t even be able to work in this kind of headspace, when i tried to work before, i couldn’t mentally function it was like i couldn’t move fast at all and my brain had shut down and i couldn’t process someone talking to me. i also left that place because the people there insulted me and the company did nothing, so i can’t go back. plus they have a long history of treating workers horribly and i can’t mentally handle something like that.
i don’t think i can do disability either, probably because i wouldn’t qualify with just mental stuff and i’ve had people tell me their experiences with it and it’s basically forced poverty (along with other things).
i’m almost 20 and i have nothing with my life and i just seem to be getting worse, not better. i won’t have anything left of myself by the time i would be able to move out, which seems like never at this point. i feel so guilty for asking my family for food, mostly because they’ve told me many times how they hate how i ask for food, but i can’t pay for any of that right now.
what do i even do? i honestly don’t know. i feel so lazy and gross.