I’m trying my hardest, but i still feel suicidal

i don’t know what to do anymore and i feel bad for constantly posting on here because i know no one can actually help me out of this situation and i don’t want anyone to feel guilty about it.

i just wish i could leave my house, but i have nowhere to stay and i don’t have any physical resources around me to go to with shelter. i don’t have a car either or public transportation so it’s not like i can just leave the town on a whim. i don’t feel welcome in my town or in my home. my own brain is constantly attacking me, making me think i’m a horrible and disgusting person and i can’t tell if it’s my ocd or if it’s actually me. i don’t want to be a bad person.

i feel so lonely right now. my boyfriend and friend are busy so i feel like i have no one to turn to right now for companionship. which is okay for them to be busy or not want to talk, i want them to feel alright and have their own time.

i’ve been trying so hard with art lately and it doesn’t really help keep the thoughts away. i just want to be okay, that’s all i want. i’ve been doing everything on my part, but i can’t seem to help myself. i feel stuck. i just wish moving out wasn’t so hard. i can’t even get a job in this town, there are very few jobs and i always get a rejection. i definitely don’t want to go to college, i don’t function well in school and don’t have anything to go for and i don’t want to waste my non existent money.

all i do during the day is try to fight off my intrusive thoughts and i’m so tired, i feel so worthless. i definitely wouldn’t even be able to work in this kind of headspace, when i tried to work before, i couldn’t mentally function it was like i couldn’t move fast at all and my brain had shut down and i couldn’t process someone talking to me. i also left that place because the people there insulted me and the company did nothing, so i can’t go back. plus they have a long history of treating workers horribly and i can’t mentally handle something like that.

i don’t think i can do disability either, probably because i wouldn’t qualify with just mental stuff and i’ve had people tell me their experiences with it and it’s basically forced poverty (along with other things).

i’m almost 20 and i have nothing with my life and i just seem to be getting worse, not better. i won’t have anything left of myself by the time i would be able to move out, which seems like never at this point. i feel so guilty for asking my family for food, mostly because they’ve told me many times how they hate how i ask for food, but i can’t pay for any of that right now.

what do i even do? i honestly don’t know. i feel so lazy and gross.


You’ve run through so many scenarios in your head already and posted about them here, I feel like all I can say is - you’re right, your situation sucks. Please remember that you don’t walk this path alone - people on this forum are here to listen and offer words of encouragement when we can. You are worthy of love and you can and should be heard. We’re here for you. <3

Sometimes life just really sucks, and some people have it worse than others, but I believe in you and your ability to keep fighting until you are able to get yourself out of the situation you are in right now. It’s hard to see this right now, I’m sure, but things WILL change, and you won’t feel this way forever. Feeling like your life is not worth living is a hard thing to stand up to and push past. I don’t know why you have so much suffering in your life, and I won’t pretend to understand completely everything that you feel right now. BUT!!! I am sure all of this is not because you’ve done something “wrong” or are being punished by the universe. You are important and your life is meaningful, even when you feel crappy.

I wish I had better words to offer. Just… know you are loved. <3

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thank you so much for responding, it means a lot❤️

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