I’ve started to lose track of the bad days, and all I can think about is how useless I’ve become to everybody around me. I’m desperate to find a purpose just so I can get out of my parents house.
I work with my mom in our at home childcare, and I was warned from the beginning that it will strain our relationship, and it has.
I just graduated high school in 2019, and even with a diploma I am still not proud. I spent my entire senior year worried about not graduating, and wasted the last 3 years before that being depressed and going through an abusive relationship. I never focused on college and a career because I felt like I lost all that opportunity when I had to make up classes and try and pass my school’s standardized testing. There isn’t anybody to blame for the lack of motivation but myself, but even when I went to my guidance counselors and asked for extra time and a 504… It was impossible to obtain.
I felt so screwed over and after making up my credits I had one more test to pass to graduate, and I was one point off from passing.
All the studying and my administration at the time took me from every fun and good learning opportunity I had. They kept me from having a senior year, and never acknowledged how hard I was trying and showing up to school. They did everything in their power to convince me to drop out. All they wanted was their graduation percentile to be better than it ever was.
I would have been graduating with my twin sister, making my parents proud, and my entire family buzz in excitement that we both did it side by side.
Instead, I waited til the last day I could to transfer to a private school, where they can drop the standardized testing and let me graduate with all the credits I had earned. Before the end of my senior year, I had every credit, and all that I had to do was pay money I didn’t have.
Out of pocket at 18, I paid $325. I worked for my grandpa for a week and did strenuous work. My mom was stuck paying the other half, and we had absolutely no money. This definitely left a sore spot between my parents and I for awhile. I did everything I could to prove to them I was doing the work and they believed me. But if I didn’t graduate… they wouldn’t believe me.
My administration told me it wasn’t worth focusing on college when I didn’t even know if I’d have a diploma.
It’s been awhile since then but nothing has gotten easier. My parents are only happy when I’m doing exactly what they want from me or expect me to be like my other siblings. I’m the youngest and an absolute failure. I may try every single day to do exactly what they ask me to do, and worry so hard that I feel it in my head, but they will never recognize how hard I try.
I just want to drive, and It was never put on me. I wish I had somebody who told me how important it was to start earlier. I can’t afford a driving test and I don’t have a car anyways. I plan on quitting this job with my mom, she has made me realize I’m useless to her in this operation.
She can do it all on her own, and she tells me to go away and leave her alone.
I don’t talk to them unless I have too.
They don’t know about how I feel, and do not care to know.
I’m an absolute disappointment to them both.
I wan’t to get away from here forever, and I really just don’t want to be alive at all somedays.
Nothing feels like it’s getting better and I have no money, no support, and I feel so unloved by the two people I praise. I stay at home for comfort but the comfort is now gone and I just want to disappear.
I just wish somebody would help me. I don’t know where to start. It’s hard to find a job where I live, and I can’t afford to do anything to start getting myself a life. I never learned how to drive because I was so focused on school, and now this diploma feels so useless to me. Everything feels useless and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I wish someone could help me get out of how miserable I feel every single day.
I have a wonderful boyfriend who is always willing to help me, and this just isn’t something he can help me with. I need advice, I need someone to tell me how I can start growing up and moving forward. I can’t get answers from anybody. I really don’t know what to do and I just want to get out of this house before I do something bad to myself.
Thanks for reading and I’m sorry it has to be about this.