I’m a 21 girl and I’m wasting my life away. I’m going to give some backstory to how I got to this point.
When I was a kid I never had any stability in my life because of my family’s drug addictions. I moved around a lot. When I was 12 my mom moved us all in (me, her, and my older brother) with her then boyfriend, losing our house. She started doing pain pills and my brother started doing heroin. The boyfriend started cooking meth in the house and smoking it. My mom’s pill addiction gave me PTSD because of the harmful situations she put me in. I won’t go into detail but these experiences still haunt me to this day. She also overdosed about five times. My brother’s heroin addiction caused him to steal nearly everything I had ever owned. I never got to keep my video games, my favorite escape. The boyfriend’s meth addiction caused him to never pay the cable or internet bill so I never got to watch TV or use the computer like other kids my age. Life was like this for about three years.
One day we found out the boyfriend was cheating on my mom and out of the blue he brings home his new girlfriend, her HUSBAND, their two teenage kids, and about six dogs to live in our home. It was 8 people (who all hated each other) living in a three bedroom trailer. It was incredibly awkward and miserable. We didn’t have anywhere else to stay. I was about 15 then.
When I was 16 my mom finally got enough money for our own house. She had also stopped abusing pain pills. My brother was still on heroin though, taking everything I had and constantly fighting with my mom for money. We didn’t live in this home for long because we somehow got a severe infestation of bed bugs. I lived with the bugs for months, and let me tell ya… I still imagine those things crawling all over me.
We ended up moving into a one bedroom apartment an hour away. By then I was 17 and a junior. I had to switch schools. Living in this apartment was madness. The new school was terrible. I couldn’t make any friends and I was failing all my classes. I talked my mom into letting me try online school. I think I would have really excelled at it if my brother’s addiction hadn’t spiraled. My heroin addict cousin also stayed with us a lot. They started using fentanyl over heroin. My brother needed even MORE money every day and more of my things kept coming up “missing”. H was also ripping people off via drug dealing and we had to be careful answering the door because he had guys threatening to shoot us all. My cousin was overdoing DAILY. Like, close to death blue face kind of thing. One night I got into a fight with her and she overdosed in front of me on purpose. That was my breaking point. Living in a one bedroom apartment meant having no where to escape so I had a mental breakdown. I begged my mom to take me to a mental facility just so I could get away. And she did.
And it was a mistake. I thought they would help me but the facility was corrupt. I remember one of the staff straight up telling one of the patients she was only working there for the credits. My therapist there was extremely mean and uncaring. They told me I “cried too much”. I was nearing my 18th birthday and the other kids started telling me I would be moved to the adults ward with the rapists. I believed them and left the facility “against medical advice” on my 18th birthday. When I got home everyone told me I only went there for “attention”. I’ve never craved attention in my life.
I failed all my online classes. I was just so behind and couldn’t catch up. I decided to go back to high school and graduate one year late at 19. While finishing out the school year my mom was able to make a down payment on a TWO bedroom trailer. We moved in and I finally, finally got my own bedroom. A few months later though my brother gets us kicked out of the trailer park for drug dealing. It costs thousands to move but we just recently did it.
I just recently turned 21. I am in my second year of community college. My brother has stopped using. I don’t know long it will stay like that but for now he has stopped. My life isn’t completely calm but much more so than ever before.
Now for a bit of a tone shift. I don’t know what i’m doing with my life. I’m working on getting a visual communications degree because I like art. My dream is to be a storyboard artist because I love animation. However, i’m struggling. I have a hard time making myself do my assignments. Everyone else in my classes are so passionate about the things they are working on and everything I turn in falls short. I never practice my drawing skills. I have absolutely no dive for the future.
I feel much more like a teenager than a twenty-something. When it’s the weekend all I want to do is lay around and play video games and watch Netflix. I never got to do these things before but now when I do I feel like i’m wasting my time because i’m getting old. I feel ashamed of being so lazy and irresponsible as a 21 year old. I’m just so exhausted from life. It’s been a never ending cyclone of drama. I want to have a successful future but I never work to improve my skills. I even feel ashamed liking the things I do because of my age. I feel bad about myself for reading YA books because I relate more to them than adult books. I feel bad about myself for watching cartoons and playing games all day. I feel bad about myself for not having the motivation to do anything a 21 year old should be doing. I feel bad about living out the teenage years I never got.
I just don’t know what to do. It’s not like life is going to slow down just for me. I can’t handle the thought of having responsibilities. I’ve already failed a couple classes.
Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to just read this. I know it’s long but it means so, so much to me. Thank you.