Preface: I would ask that this topic only be discussed her and not shared in any sort of podcast or anything. A few years ago I shared something on here and it was refered to in a podcast and It made me uncomfortable. I can’t really explain why just that I prefer to not have it talked about outside of this post.
Lets break this down.
I’m 26 years old and in a place in my life with a TON of free time even though I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible.
Lets list all my horrific problems shall we?
- I’m religious (Which isn’t a “problem” per say). I truly believe it but have a difficult time living it out. I live far away from the closest group to me that shares my faith and I have to travel quite a bit to get there. I overall feel like I complete failure in this part of my life which is ironic cause even the people who know my faults who are part of my faith group do not judge me or make me to feel bad. I’m much harder on myself than basically anyone Ive ever met.
2)I have all kinds of emotional issues. I’m hypersensitive though I typically do an ok job hiding it. I’m insecure, I think no one wants to be around me. Which is obviously not true cause its very common for me to hangout with friends 5+ times a week. If they didn’t like me they wouldn’t keep inviting me back. I’m a funny guy, i get people to laugh more than I use to (finally developed a sense of humor). But once I get back home its just all gone. All I’m left with is this empty feeling.
- I want to have a close intimate relationship with a woman. Ive only ever had one girlfriend and it was a long distance relationship (We meet initially online, spent several years as friends, but then decided to be a couple and met in person). So I never really had a lot of physical contact. Its not even about sex for me, its the desire to feel known and loved, to have physical (and emotional) affection. Last time I got a hug was around 6 months ago.
4)I’m an addict. I have an addiction to what I’m going to call “Lust”, but in a nutshell. When I feel tired and lonely I seek out porn and cybersex to make myself feel better. I just want to feel a connection with someone and so I seek it out. Its become compulsive and destroying my life to be honest. I’ll stay up until 4am some nights trying to find someone only to collapse asleep when I can’t and then try again the next day. Eventually I’ll get through my binging, and try to stop the behavior but then its not to long till I’m back again. I hate myself even while I’m seeking it out. I just don’t know how to stop because its the ONLY connection I really feel to other people. I feel like a woman is never going to want me (which objectively is false, thats an issue i’m working through in therapy). At least if I’m voice chatting with a woman online I feel something with someone. At least thats what i tell myself. I’m currently in a 12 step group for it.
I’m in a 12 step group, its an over an hour away from where I live, which is exhausting (living in the middle of nowhere sucks especially when you can’t move for a few more years). I struggle to call my sponsor , i struggle to call other people and talk about my feelings and emotions. My whole life I was always told that my feelings were wrong, and truth be told many of them (Like the insecurities) ARE wrong. But constantly being told that and living with someone deeply manipulative fucked me up really good. The internet with it anonymity is the only place i feel safe to express myself in any way.
I’ll never find what I want online. I straight up won’t. What do I want? well thats easy. I want to find a woman around my age I can talk to with COMPLETE transparency (while still retaining anonymity). Someone I can explore the sexual stuff with who won’t try to make me feel guilty but also won’t try to keep me from feeling guilty either. Someone I can talk to and share stuff with right out of the gate without the bullshit and the games. Who has clear boundaries and clearly respects my boundaries. Someone who I can just be, completely emotionally naked with, as well as talk about sexual stuff casually with where she is just as comfortable talking to me about emotions as she is talking to me about a porn video I enjoyed.
Yeah, I’m fucked up. I"m crazy I guess. I feel insane and alone. Ive been in therapy, but its not really helping. I don’t know what to do anymore.