I(m26) just want to be able to be comfortable with myself and open with others. I'm am tired of being shamed or misunderstood

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I grew up really conservative, super conservative. Where anything sexual outside of marriage was considered wrong. be it porn , masturbation, or any sort of sexual interaction. Im older now (26) and don’t know what I feel about that. But Ive been trying to get more comfortable with that stuff so I don’t feel super sad, depressed, guilty, or embarrassed after doing it. Sometimes I go online and seek stuff out on reddit, like women to talk to and get to know and talk with about that stuff. Most of the time I just end up meeting people who yell at me, or tell me I’m a perv, or in a weird sense mock me for not being kinky.

and its not like I"m not being respectful either. I’m very upfront about the situation, what I"m looking for, my comfort level ect. I mean, i’m deeply uncomfortable with it but trying to work through it, so of course I’m going to constantly be making sure the other person is comfortable.

All of that though, is only half the story. I’m also lonely. Like deeply fucking lonely. Ive got friends but I can’t really be honest about them about the things I’m struggling with. I just want to have a completely honest and genuine conversation with someone about all the shit I’m dealing with (sexual or not). I want to be able to be completly and utterally honest with someone right out of the gate.

Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to get more comfortable with the sexual stuff. I"m terrified that I’ll end up using someone and making them feel bad. Maybe I’m a monster? I don’t know at this point. i just don’t know and I’m tired of holding all these feelings inside me

im such a mess, and I don’t know… earlier tonight I sought stuff out again and I didn’t find anyone, and like, that shouldn’t be surprising. but I hate myself. I hate the fact I cut off contact with people who actually liked to interact with me and got to know me and I’m pissed at myself for going back and trying to find someone else, and I feel unwantable because I couldn’t find it.

I ust want to be able to talk to someone one on one who isn’t going to make me feel guilty and can just accept me.

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I’m not religious so my perspective on the situation may be a little different than those that you were raised around. So take this as you will.
You are a human being with natural desires for companionship and intimate needs. We all are. We all naturally crave and need those things. Yes there are a lot of religions and belief systems that are against any of that before marriage.
I spent a long time carrying guilt over falling into sexual relationships before I was married. Because I used to be a bigger part of the church. But, I came to realize some things, which I won’t discuss here, and I live away from that. I focus more on my health, my life, my relationships and my happiness. I don’t worry so much about what other people are thinking about me and what they think I should be doing.

I feel like people as a whole should be more focused on themselves. Live and let live. Do what makes you happy and what is good/healthy for you. It is not abnormal, weird or strange to crave or want these things. So for me, I don’t think you should beat yourself up for being a human being.

Sure there are times where people may be addicted to sexual behaviors or content. You know, and in that case maybe its good to recognize the addiction and where it may be unhealthy and trying to take steps to improve the situation so it’s not unhealthy for you. There have been people here who have struggled with that. You may not, but it’s a thing that some people battle with.

There is, yes, a line of respect that should always be held. It seems you are aware of those lines and boundaries. Being honest and upfront with your intentions and needs. It doesn’t make you a monster. So long as you are being open and honest and respecting anyone that may say no or they aren’t interested. I think that’s the biggest thing. Not pressuring people, tricking people etc. Otherwise, what you do in your “me” time in the privacy of your own space is your business and you shouldn’t feel bad for it.

But again, I am not religious so my point of view is very different than others who may be.

Um, if you feel like its interfering with your relationship with God, then maybe its worth taking a moment to talk to a pastor and pray about. Discuss it and figure out the right course of action for you. Advice there that may be better from a pastor or church friend.

Anyway, you cared for here. We love and support people from all walks of life and beliefs. No judgement here. I know stuff like this can be scary to open up about. So good on you for reaching out . I may not be the person for you to talk to about it, but, I want you to know that I accept you, that I don’t guilt you for who you are and being human and that I see you. I hear you. <3

Hold fast friend

  • Kitty
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I am coming from a more religious perspective, so I will offer you what I can. I was too raised that those things are wrong outside of the confines of marriage, simply because it is a Biblical teaching that marriage is sacred. I still hold to these beliefs but we all mess up. Now, if you believe these things are wrong, shame for them is natural. We have those desires because we are built with them, however self control is needed. The reason for this is because certain actions outside protective parameters can cause us or others hurt. Once certain actions are done, they can’t be undone and those stay with you for a very long time. Once you do find someone, those previous choices hang on you like baggage. There’s a reason its taught in the church, because as I’ve said, its to protect and keep the conscious clear. The beautiful thing is we can always start over. God washes us clean. No matter the things we do, He is capable of making us whole again. Its a real struggle feeling like you’re unwanted or unloved. But there’s other love other than sexual or romantic. There’s a pressure put on us in our society that tells us if we don’t have a companion, we aren’t wanted or worth anything. This is a lie. We have so much worth and should treat ourselves like we do. You are worth love, true and honest love. Don’t feel like a monster, the fact that you’re concerned about things means you’re not. You’re just human. A lot of people struggle with such things. What I know is, focusing on the physical can indeed attract others who will potentially use you for that as well. That will leave you feeling even emptier. Here, you can be honest and you have people who truly care. Its hard when you feel like you don’t have anyone like that in your life. Often we as humans seek to fill those feelings with things that in the end don’t truly satisfy us. All I can say is try to focus on other aspects, and focus on finding friends who are really genuine and care about you, because you’re worth that. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, but thank you for being honest. Prayers going out to you, friend.

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THank you guys for your responses. I just feel very alone and wish I could talk it through wtih someone without judgement regardless of what I do.

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