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I made a suicide plan a while back and I look on acting upon it

I’m a dropout of high school at 16 I’m a addict a thief, loner, introvert, angry, sick, joke. I hate everything about me my life isn’t that bad but I’m not appreciative of anything and I hate myself so much for it. I wast everyone’s time. I can’t do this I’m pretty Agee I have nerve damage in my arms from cutting

I have a Suicide plan and I’m going to try it next month I’m sorry

I know the feeling of wanting to kill myself, I think about it every single day. I’ve been on these site for a short time and it seems a lot of people go through the same as I do. We don’t want to kill ourselves we just want the pain to go away. It’s been very hard but I am still here, you can do it

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Please dont got through with it. You’ve gotten so far, why stop now? You’re almost done, keep fighting. Get help. Get comfort. Ending it is not worth it. It never will be. The devil is trying to pull you away, but you have to fight for the opposite. Pray. God is always near.

Hey @Xanny,

You are so much more than the things you mentioned. You are alive right now and that is enough. Go outside and walk. When I feel my suicidal thoughts come up and I’m alone I go to the grocery store or bookstore and just walk around. It sounds lame but I touch the different boxes and read the packaging intently or I flip a book open and just feel the pages. I have to do something, surrounded by people, to remind me I’m not alone and I’m still alive.

You have a plan and that’s a scary thing, but you also can make a plan to stay alive- one just as intricate and thoughtful as the other.

I believe in you.

Hold Fast,
-SJ

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way Xanny. As a fellow addict that has also struggled with cutting, and continues to struggle with suicidal thoughts, I know how hard it can be to take it all on. The actions that you think have made you a “bad person” also aren’t completely your choice, and you shouldn’t blame yourself. The addict in us does everything it can to do get what it wants - it’s like survival mode. This stuff doesn’t mean you should kill yourself tho. It’s so much hard work, but overcoming addiction IS possible, no matter what age. It took me a long time to believe this, but being an addict doesn’t define you. You didn’t CHOOSE to become addicted. I highly encourage you to reach out to your GP if you believe that you have nerve damage from cutting… I cut for more than 12 years, and it wasn’t until I had a phone call with someone I love very much, and heard the hurt I was causing him… And I’m now a few months clean. It’s not long, but I couldn’t even go a day without cutting. I was pleading with the people that were helping me to just stop… Their persistence and commitment to me has been a huge part of getting me to where I am today… If I can go from getting high, self harming and planning suicide everyday in an abusive home, to where I am today. YOU CAN TOO.

Hold Fast
Kayla

Xanny:
I feel so badly that you feel this way about yourself. So often we see and think about all the bad things we are and we do, we forget about the good things. You are so many wonderful things and you have such an important purpose. Hurting yourself or taking your life will not improve the situation. It only makes things far worse. Please hold on and talk with someone you trust or ask for help. By doing this, you begin to go on a path to change. You are loved, you are important, and you mean so much to those who have the fortune to know you. Hold fast and stay strong. You are not alone.

@Xanny Hey friend.
I drew you a picture and I would love to send it to you.
Email me if you want it: [email protected]
We also chatted bout your topic on my art stream.

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@Danjo thanks for responding and covering my topic. It means a lot to hear somebody else talk and what I’ve gone through and know someone has heard me. My story is really long and dark but I’ll slowly tell you. Life has been ass since day 1 I’m a adopted kid who would get made fun of for being Asian and having slanted eyes but that never really started to hurt until my teens. From when I was 12 to 14 my dad was sick and hurting from back pains. Later found out he had cancer and they said they caught it at a good time. 1 into all of it things start to worsen and worsen for his health and my life turns to shit. I met this girl in middle school who had this obsession with me and I got into a 8 month relationship that eneded when my dad passed away from cancer after 2 years. She never quite told me why she left me but it mainly because I wasn’t happy and wasn’t the same anymore around anyone and that my personality/ the way I acted was different after he passed. I’m still hurting from that. That summer was terrible I lost my friend group bc I wouldn’t leave the house anymore. School comes around freshman year it goes alright. But throughout freshmen year I meet this girl. We will call her Jackie. I meet Jackie at a friends house and we exchange contact info later that night. I start talking to her during the spring and then summer comes around and she tells me that she’s going to San Diego for the summer. She stops talking to me for 1 month and I get this response after I couldn’t realize the key facts she didn’t like me and it says "Hello this is Jackie’s best friend and she says that she doesn’t want to talk to you or see you ever again. Move on to summer. I get hooked on weed. School year comes I’m getting high everyday of sophomore year. While on 7 different prescription pills at the time and all that led to me falling apart and losing myself. There were times in the school year I’d cut myself throughout the night then go to school high on a cloud and passing out in the hallways and bathrooms because I couldn’t handle being that fucked up. Winter comes then my birthday. I’ve met this amazing girl who was my best friend who’d do anything for me and was one of the most amazing people in my life for a period of time and I wish she was still my friend :frowning: . But anyways I went crazy for a week and tried to hang myself after cutting myself the same day and I told her I’m done and I can’t take enough, so she ended up contacting my mom and I went to the psychward for a week and a half only bc I lied and told them that I was fine but I wasn’t. I didn’t know what was going on and I was so scared of the hospitals. The next summer came which was last summer and I went drug crazy. I started to just not give any shits about me or my body. I started doing a lot of acid and thc carts. I ended up on 7 tabs in 5 days and 30 tabs in30 days. I tried ecstasy, meth, oxy, adderal, Xanax, molly, I feel like a failure and junkie some days. I can’t get my shit together. I forgot to tell you about this time in middle school where I tried to overdose 5 days in a row because I have over 4 months worth of adderal and I took it all in 5 days and I didn’t even know what overdose meant at the time.

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@Danjo I’m sorry it’s long :frowning: