I might stay with my mother

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My mother is abusive, yes, and she’s a very irresponsible parent as well. She didn’t take me to the dentist for years, the only time I would see a doctor was when we would go to urgent care so I could get a doctor’s note and be excused from school because my mom didn’t take me to school for so many days. I’m years behind in education because I was homeschooled for anxiety, and my mother was never able to properly teach me.

My father is a responsible parent, would never try to hurt me ever, he takes me to the dentist regularly, he made me a doctor’s appointment as soon as I told him I needed to see one, he takes care of me. For some context, I’m pretty young, so my situation probably doesn’t seem very hopeless to many many people out there. I am about 3 years behind in school education. I’ve taught myself most of what I know about proper spelling, grammar, English, etc. But I’m severely behind in other subjects like maths and science.

My father would most likely do whatever he could to get my education to the point where it needs to be, I know he would take me to a Doctor whenever I needed to see one, I know he would listen to me when I told him about my health issues and mental health concerns, etc. But the thing is, I don’t have a relationship of any kind with my father, he was out of the picture for most of my life so I never really got to know him and he never really got to know me. Now it’s sort of a grey area, we love each other but we also don’t really have much of a bond or relationship of any sort going. I have very bad confidence issues, I’m scared of failure, rejection, etc, so it’s difficult to ask my dad for stuff like chips at the store, a new t-shirt, or a blanket for my room. I can ask my mother for all of these things because I do have a bond with my mom, a relationship. I’m comfortable talking to her and asking her for things I might need.

My father and my mother have a very distinct difference that I’ve come to realize just now. I’ve told my mom, in detail, about all of the physical pain I’ve been going through for over a year, and she scheduled me one Doctor’s appointment months after everything started. I told my father I needed to see a doctor, didn’t tell him why or what was going on, and he got a list of doctors in the area and tried to make me an appointment the next morning.

I’m scared of having a responsible parent. If my parent is responsible, I have to be responsible. I never had to worry about taking care of myself when it was just my mother and me, I could go months without brushing my teeth and it wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t like I’d be seeing a dentist, stuff like that. I’ve sort of let myself go in a way, it’s hard for me to do basic human tasks, and I didn’t have to worry about those when it was just my mother taking care of me, but now I do. I guess another thing to mention is my mom was extremely poor for about a year. I got used to not spending money on regular priced foods, items, toiletries, etc. So now it really stresses me out to spend money on normally priced items when I could just get cheaper items.

If I was with my dad, I’d have to take care of my teeth to avoid paying money at the dentist, I’d have to take care of my eating habits to avoid excess money at doctor’s, etc. But the thing is, I’ve gotten so used to just not taking care of myself. It’s basically because I have no motivation to do anything, too tired to get up, I can do that when I’m just with my mom. I can let myself go and I won’t have to face any obvious repercussions. I guess I’m scared of going back to a normal life with normal responsibilities that I can’t fulfill. My mother puts me through a lot, and most of the time when I tell her something about my health, she doesn’t care, but at least I can talk to her. My dad cares about me deeply, but he won’t let me get away with the stuff I’ve been doing to myself for the past 2 years, but I don’t have the confidence to tell him I need to see a psychiatrist, even though he’d be more than willing to take me. My mother will be gone one day, and I’ll be forced to live with someone else. I’m not sure if I should continue going through all of the shit my mother puts me through but still have an ok relationship, or if I should live with my father and try and grow more comfortable around him. I’m not sure what to do at this point.

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Hi Graciee,

I think you would do just fine living with your father. Change is scary for everyone, especially when it’s a huge life change like your living situation.

Going off of your past threads, I think it’s best that you do live with your father. The way of live with your mother may be familiar, but it isn’t healthy by any stretch. Your mother should be taking you to the dentist. She should be taking you to the doctor. She should notice that you’re not brushing your teeth.

I think you’ll find that over time, being out of that environment, you’ll regain your energy and have more of a drive to take care of yourself again. In fact, lack of self care is a big indicator of depression and given your history, that’s not surprising. And I know it’s easy to say, I’m used to this life and I don’t know how I will feel about change. You are still young and resilient, I’m positive you can take this change in stride and learn to thrive. One thing I always tell myself is to do something for 6 weeks and then decide if you like it or not. 6 weeks is long enough for your body and mind to become accustomed to things like brushing your teeth and after that it should be a habit. I used that method also when I would start a new job because change is hard for me too, but usually after some time, the fear will go away.

I think your dad has shown, like you mentioned, that he would let you see a psychiatrist, and so I think you should try that too. It may seem like a lot to ask, but he is your father, and one day you may look back and say, Man, that moment in my life was super scary but I’m so glad I did it. And that would totally be worth it.

I know it can be hard to about the future when the present is so grim, but I think you should take the chance to be in a place where you can let your guard down and be safe so that you will have a chance to grow up healthy in body and mind. Ultimately the choice is yours, but I would hate to see you continue living in misery. And who knows, maybe you leaving to live with your father could be the wake-up call your mother needs to look into changing her alcoholic ways.

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It’s scary to start new routines, even if it’s healthy. That’s why so many people of all ages stay stuck. People don’t want to stop being depressed, for example, because it’s familiar. Learning to take care of yourself is a big task. That’s what adulting is–learning to do all the things your parents would otherwise take care of for you–and it’s terrifying.

Your story is just like that of a woman I know. Her dad wanted her to come live with him, in a stable household where she would even have a stepmom and half-siblings, but she chose to stay with her alcoholic mom where she had absolute freedom. Her dad wanted to build a relationship with her, but she wouldn’t let him in. As an adult, if she gets invited to family events (which isn’t often), she’s an outsider. She also took in her mom because her mom is incapable of living alone and can’t afford assisted living, so in a way she never escaped. She lives a very successful life on the surface, but since she never learned to be “normal,” she puts her marriage, kids, and even her own health second to her whims and desires. She’d never admit it, but I think she’s really unhappy and weary.

Read through your posts over the last week. The relationship you have with your mother is not okay. Read the raw emotions you put down here, and remember that that’s what’s real. Your life is not “growing up with an alcoholic mother.” Your life is getting verbally abused to the point of tears, calling ambulances when your mom gets so drunk she hurts herself, living through repeated broken promises, and wondering when your mom will drink herself to death.

Finally, ask yourself: if someone else came to you with this story and wasn’t sure what to do, what would you tell them?

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