I miss feeling like a person

[Geko]

I am struggling to find any sense of worth in this life. Things used to be fun, and full of good times and laughter, with many people around to share it. Now? There are no good times. All the people I used to share laughs with are dead, or don’t want contact with me. All I do is work. I go to work, and deal with co-workers that can’t remember my name on the best of days, then I come home to an empty house save for my dog. He’s the one thing in this life I have that makes it worth it, but he would be just as happy with someone else that feeds him.

When I look around in public, I can’t help but feel jealous for all of the people leading seemingly happy lives. People that have spouses, and kids - people that need them, and care for them in return. I have none of that. Nobody needs, nor wants me. If I stopped living tomorrow, no one would care or even notice outside of my dog.

I’m tired of going through life alone. I have plenty of distractions, but at the end of the day, it’s only me and my dog. I miss feeling like I have a family - or even a shot at having one.

I miss feeling like a person.

[Geko]

I guess I’m not a person here either. Not a single reply. Goodbye.

[Micro]

Hey @Geko,

Thank you for being here.

I guess I’m not a person here either. Not a single reply. Goodbye.

You may not receive a reply immediately, but that doesn’t mean you are not seen or valued. Everyone here is willing to spend some of their personal time to either reach out or support others. Sometimes, people who are online don’t relate or don’t have anything to say to answer someone specifically. It depends on what is shared at a given time. There are tons of posts I would personally be unable to respond to because it wouldn’t be appropriate or adequate as my own experiences or ability to understand may be off topic.

What is sure though, is that no topic is ever left unanswered here. It can be a matter of time and patience, of grace to give each other too. Please don’t let something that has nothing to do with you become a way to justify negative thoughts about yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to yourself nor to anyone else. We’re simply all trying to share life as we can around here.

All I do is work. I go to work, and deal with co-workers that can’t remember my name on the best of days, then I come home to an empty house save for my dog.

Loneliness is a terrible experience and I’m sorry that this is what you’ve been facing lately. It’s hard to keep moving when it feels like you’re doing it just for yourself, especially if you struggle seeing our own worth. What you describe is heavy, painful, although it’s about life circumstances and nothing that would define you as a person, or how lovable or needed you are in this world. Your dog would miss you because he has a unique connection with you. It’s not about just being fed every day. Animals have a very unique way to love us unconditionally, which is sometimes even more authentic than the way humans do.

There was a time in my life when I was extremely alone and couldn’t help thinking that if I’d disappear no one would notice really. I had no one to talk to directly, to the point that it would be a real opportunity for me to just say a few words to a cashier in a shop. When we face this loneliness it feels almost impossible to not let ourselves drown into it even more and give up on any possibility to reconnect with others. I hear that, on top of it, your heart is grieving losses and that must have shaken your world in such a brutal way.

I want you to know that you are seen right now, and life certainly doesn’t have to be just about finding distractions away from solitude. First off, it is possible to find more contempt in solitude, but also this awareness that you have right now regarding how you feel can be a powerful opportunity for you to plan ahead some ways to change your routines, and who knows maybe adding more social activities in it? I won’t burden you with tons of suggestions as this is not what you’re asking right now, although if you’re willing to share, I’d love to hear what are the current barriers in your life right now that prevent you from maybe exploring new activities that could be excuses to meet new people and share life with them. It may feel impossible to change anything right now, but there might be some simple steps to take, little by little.

Through it all, you are loved and valued. These life circumstances don’t define you and I hope you will keep giving yourself a change to explore and experience more of what life has to offer.

[Aardvark]

Hi Geko,
thank you for posting here and sharing your toughts.
i know that feeling a lot, my time alone has become a time of feeling lonely a lot. i tell my friends who have
a someone they love, that they should be grateful for. for me a little “hey, how was your day” when coming
home, or spending time together would be the world. i only lived for my work the last years also. since i am
dealing with depression, began my therapy i changed a lot this year. but i am still alone. i am also jealous
of seeing people holding hands, kissing and sharing a beautiful moment.
your dog is happy everytime you get home, that is love too. i am happy for you, a dog is a wonderful friend
in this world.
i was at a point this year where everything breaked down on me, had days i went to work like a zombie.
get home, cried, worked, did not slept for month. was missing every joy, did not know what was going on.
my only tought was, what will happen to me right now, if something bad, really bad happens now. what
would i do ? where would i be at ? to go trough that was hard. extremely hard. but be sure, that people will
miss you, people who love you, your friends and family will miss you.
we are here for you, be sure and if you don’t get an instant reply is because we all have our own package
to carry. i also deal with my issues at the moment. therapy is getting a lot out of me, family issues also and
my anxiety.
i would love to have someone, sharing a moment with, an evening alone, a walk outside.
i am sure that we booth will find our partner. we are tired of waiting, but be sure that everything will come to
places one day. believe in yourself. change with yourself first, little steps like a longer walk with your doggo.
a new hobby. try to open up about all of this, consider a therapy maybe or self help group, that will help a
lot, it helps me. change begins with yourself, if you want it, you can do that. it’s not a cliche.
i am proud of you for posting here. thanks a lot. you are seen here, you are loved and you matter my friend.
You deserve everything good in this world, feel hugged and give your doggo a kiss, he or she deserves that.
lovely greetings

[Geko]

Thank you both for replying, and making me feel a bit more seen. I am sorry I did not sooner, I’ve been working 10 hour shifts the past few days and am exhausted most of the time now.

@Micro - I appreciate the kind words. Where you were in this time in your life is pretty much where I am now. It feels like a blessing when someone actually wants to talk, even if its just small talk with a cashier, or people sharing pictures of their dog when I go out. I feel extremely jealous of people with families. Mine is gone, and nothing seems to fill the void.

You asked about barriers to find new activities - here it goes. I currently live in a very small town. The only real gathering places that have “activities” around here, also tend to be centered around spending money, mostly on alcohol. It is also about a 30 minute drive to the nearest shopping / hangout spots, and usually an hour or more if you want to go into the bigger cities where activities are many. (still usually money centered). I’m finding that I am having a hard time justifying spending the $5+/gal gas money to go out and spend more money, in the hopes to talk to someone. (The last few times, no ones wanted to talk) I am not entirely sure how to make things more social, without spending tons of money in the process. People suggest discords and games to play socially, but I’m finding since I’ve spent so much time looking at a screen, I just don’t feel like giving them a chance. I really want to have someone in person to do things with. It doesn’t feel good to only interact with people through a screen.

@Aardvark Thank you for sharing with me. It sounds like you have been through a lot too. I too get very jealous of people when I go out. I want what they have, but can’t seem to make it happen. It’s ruined more than one night out when I see happy couples and families out interacting with each other and having fun. I don’t want them to stop on my account, so I usually find some way to leave.

Adding more hobbies seems like I am just looking for more distractions, and therapy didnt seem to do me much good. I spent over $3000 to try to get some of these issues worked out. Three different therapists got established, and eventually ended up telling me that they do not feel like they are helping, and would like to terminate sessions. The only groups that tend to gather around here are in churches, which I don’t tend to feel comfortable in. They also tend to be mostly for AA meetings, or substance abuse recovery. Not Mental health meetups.

[DiscordReply]

From: ManekiNeko

hey, it sounds like you have a lot of time spent working! Do you think that it’s adding to the stress of feeling like you’re not enjoying the life around you? I mean I know it’s not always possible for people to take breaks or vacations from work, but you do sound like you’re working A LOT!
I noted you mentioned that your dog would be happy if anyone fed them, well maybe, but you’d be surprised! They tend to know who they love the most.
I’m sorry that it’s been hard to be able to socialise without spending a lot of money or driving ect. That must be really frustrating. And I know you mentioned that being online in a community isn’t exactly what you’re after, but I do hope that even this community can help you feel a bit less alone.
I know I don’t have any sage wisdom to share, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re seen and heard, that you’re not alone in your feelings and that we are here if you ever need to talk through it

[Geko]

Thanks for reply.

I would really like to stop working, or slow down if I could, but it does not feel like an option at this point. Things are so expensive, if I do not work in the manner I am, I will have no money left over at the end of the month. I do not have anyone that can help with this. If I run out of money, no one will rescue me. I have tried to quit to find something else, but the company I’m with always ends up offering more money to “keep a quality employee”. If I get another job that’s available now, it will likely be akin to waiting tables, or managing a shop till, for under half of the wage I make now.

Working has been my crutch lately. Its hard to want to stop, when In reality, I wouldn’t have a lot to do with this time anyway.