I much rather die

I am tired of talking about how I feel. I’m tired of tears. I’m tired of being nice. It’s obvious I’m not going to stop opening my eyes every morning. I don’t want them to open tomorrow. I just want it to be over.


I want your exhaustion and despair to be over. I want your life to begin in the direction of fulfillment. You might’ve heard stories about people who were down and out and had given up. At that point, they decided their frames of reference and coping strategies didn’t work. That’s the point at which they felt very humble, and open to new ideas. That’s when their lives began to change for the better.

Our days are an endless stream of present moment choices. One of the most important choices is to choose how to react to the things that challenge us. When your toast falls buttered side down, the choice is to say something like, “here’s another reason why life sucks,” or “maybe some cereal would taste better anyway.” You can rage at the injustice of having to ride on a bumpy road, or marvel at the scenery.

I don’t know what you’ve been through, and perhaps you’ve already handled it much better than I would have, and you’re just tired of handling it. Maybe there’s a way you can have a break while you come up with ways of handling it that don’t make you as tired.

Is there someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling? I’ve spent a lot of time feeling hopeless and helpless to make things better. I didn’t begin to recover, or more accurately, learn for the first time how to cope with my problems and find some enjoyment in my life, until I was at that point of absolute despair. The option of remaining in that state didn’t really feel like an option. It was kind of a sink or swim situation. I began treading water until I could start to swim.

In your situation, treading water may mean enduring your circumstances for a bit longer, until you find a way to make things better.

Please don’t give up. Please don’t conclude that your future has to be the same as your past.

You’re among friends here. Talk to us whenever you want. Wings


@grandmastrqueen, you had done so well getting your life back on track before. I don’t know what has happened since. I do know, what no one tells you, is that even when life is going well it’s still exhausting. It takes a lot of work and strength to keep things going well. A house and a job and a healthy relationship don’t make things easier. They are positive things, and they are much better than being in the pit of despair, but they take work. In some ways they are scarier, because it feels like you can’t fail. It’s like being on a footbridge over a pit.

I hear you. I hear that you are tired. I hear that you are scared. I understand. It’s okay to be tired, even if it doesn’t feel okay. It’s okay to take a day or a week to do nothing, or as little as you can get away with doing. It’s okay to be “sick.” I’ve done it before, and sometimes it’s what you need for a reset. It may feel like that won’t make things better, and sometimes you get to the end of your “sick” time and still don’t feel better, but returning to work the day after feels more okay.

I hope things can feel better for you. I hope you can understand that being exhausted from success doesn’t make you a failure. I want you to remember that you’re never too far gone to get back on track. I hope you can rest. I’m glad you came to us. I wish you all the best.


Thinking of you, @grandmastrqueen. I hope you’re hanging in there and make sure to give yourself some room to breathe, as much as possible. I hope the tears are going to be less present as you will keep healing and thriving.

We’re here for you. Whether it’s about discussing or simply sitting virtually by your side. You’re not alone. I’m rooting for you. :hrtlegolove:

I want to thank everyone for their kind words. I also wanted to reassure you all that I am fine. I was just lost and once again not consistent with my medications. I honestly went on a ridiculous spending spree to find myself some more hobbies to keep myself occupied, but I also found work again and only part time to keep myself from crashing again. I am learning guitar and doing exercises when I am feeling bored or down (those are the times I am most likely to overthink and become dark.

I recently started dating someone who is just like me and understands me, but we do have our differences. He the Dagger to my Cloak right now even with us not being extremely involved at this time. The last guy I was dating did not truly understand me and decided only positivity was allowed and emotions were a hindrance. He could never just support me in my mood with a warm embrace or awkward silence. Now I can do that and not be turn down about it or accused of anything like cheating or an attitude.

Well, point is, I had to take time to concentrate on myself even with the dark feelings I was having. I didn’t go to a hospital because I felt that would make me worse (rather than allowing myself to do as I please without restrictions i.e sleep, eat, etc.). I honestly don’t know if I could kill myself because I can sit there with a knife and not cut myself or sit there and take too many of my meds. It seems something deep inside me has decided I don’t get to make that choice. Maybe it’s the christian setting I was raised in or my kids (even when they are causing me stress) have a very powerful hold on me as far as responsibility.


Hi I’m Josiah I would love to chat with you

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