I must be Satan's favorite person

Today I realized I would be late for my first class, and I was feeling frantic and angry. I drove over 90 mph in a 55 zone, bit firmly down on my wrist 3 times, and slapped my glasses off my face in traffic. I didn’t have control over my emotions. I could have gotten someone hurt or killed by my behavior. If I had died it would be a gift to my community.

I watched porn last night twice, something which I have wanted to shake for over 7 years. I thought I was finally coming out of my depression and starting to understand the Gospel as a Christian, but it looks like I was wrong. I feel far from a new creation, just the same fake Christian piece of shit I have been for years. Maybe it’s possible that God really does hate me and I’m fucked no matter what I do. In that case I might as well stop wasting time and kill myself and get started with my eternal sentence to Hell, because if God hates me then all pleasure, goals or pain I have in this life is absolutely useless.

If I really loved God, I would have looked more like Jesus by now. I’d see more of the attributes of God in my life. All I know is how to feel sorry for what I’ve done, but my attempts to repent are all shown to be fake by my actions. I don’t think I know how to love God genuinely anymore. Satan probably rejoiced at my outburst this morning because everyone who saw my Jesus fish fly by at 90mph and my angry red face now if going to never want anything to do with God. I’m a detriment to what I claim to be a part of. God is probably ashamed of me.

All my attempts to get close to Him were probably all selfishly driven and I think I’m just defective. I’m so fucked up I don’t know how to be genuine. I’ll never be able to live a good Christian life or marry a good Christian woman because I will ruin her life now that my mind is so polluted with porn. I’ve wasted everything.

Hey there, thank you for your honesty. I just want to let you know that your not alone, If you read out my forum you would know what a mess i had created for this ‘so called’ christain. But in that darkness it really brought me to a place to seek God. If anything on this Earth, I hope that you Believe he does Love you: For me this is and is still something i have to tell myself everyday. Because going off of my emotions i never ‘feel’ loved, and i think how can anybody love me, especially God? But you have to fight back, talk back to the lies and negativity and you will find freedom. As a person who struggles with depression and anxiety i feel you and i understand the battle of emotions. I hope that you find freedom from feeling unworthy of love, you are worth so much more. Also if your interested, heres a 2min youtube link of Joesph Prince. I listen to his sermons everyday and Iv seen little improvements in my depression everyday, https://youtu.be/MLdyEiz25rg

Take care of yourself, love yourself because you mean so much more to this world than you know!
Much love! xox

Hi June,

Thanks for your reply, it means a lot to know that you can identify with some of these mental struggles I am facing. I just am having a hard time letting go of this shame I feel and the dread that maybe I’ll never get better.