I must want one good day

Things are getting too much again. Today is my birthday and so far, things have been great. I spent some time with my family, had fun and everything. But now I’m home again and I just feel like crying and giving up on everything again. I just want to have one good day, without these kind of thoughts and feelings. Is that too much to ask? I just want one day, where I don’t feel like crying. And maybe I’m being over sensitive, but it seems like a few of my closest friends actually forgot my birthday. And that kinda hurts. We’ve known each other for four years and yet, they keep forgetting.
I don’t know, I feel like I’m being too sensitive and overreacting again.
I started isolating myself again and only rarely talk to people about my problems, because I honestly feel like such a damn burden.

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Ahhh gosh, I can relate so much to this stuff.

And for you to write this on your birthday and not get a response until two days later…I can hear all of the lies creeping in – see you are a burden, no one cares about you, you shouldn’t have said anything, what a waste of time, etc, etc.

Let’s start from a deep breath. Phew. Truth is, I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you wrote in. Thank you. Also, happy belated birthday :slight_smile: :hrtlovefist: :hrtlegolove:

It’s interesting to feel like things go poorly, and you struggle. Things go well, and you still struggle. Like the emptiness can haunt you either in the good or the bad. It feels confusing. Like the pattern doesn’t make sense, and so it’s hard to wrap your mind around and understand.

You want to be able to just breathe, to feel the breeze on your face and /not/ spiral into worthlessness. You want to enjoy a day and go from sun up to sun down without feeling like a piece of crap at some point in there. And you were hoping your birthday could be the day where everything went right and you got a break from “your life”, or at least all of the negative aspects of it.

But then, the thoughts came in again, there were moments where you remembered or felt the absence of people who you wished had thought of you, or moments that you wished you had, or coming down from the high of moments you DID have, you felt empty because you knew that most of your life isn’t this way, and knowing you’re going to have to face the melancholy, the boredom, the sadness made the happiness be eclipsed by the coming reality of what you’ll have to go through tomorrow. It just felt like such a fucking bummer to not be able to just /enjoy/ what you have.

And then with your friends, you don’t feel as close because you haven’t been opening up as much, because you’ve been feeling so bad about yourself that you didn’t really want to feel worse about making them help you or carry your burdens, etc, etc…

A lot of this is soooooo relatable. You’re not crazy for feeling this way, and I hope that by reading some of this you realize that what you’re feeling at least makes sense.

I know on my birthday I tend to spiral into feelings of worthlessness too. I tend to try to not voice my expectations but subtly hope that things will be fucking magical. That everyone will love me and want me and think of me and do special things for me. And in the quiet moments when the attention turns away from me, it reveals underneath the fear that I have of myself being truly insignificant and unloved. The problem is that I believe that attention from others will fix that inside of me, but while it feels good and can be helpful, it doesn’t solve it. I have to learn to believe that I am worthy of love in myself. Otherwise, when people leave, I’ll be left with those feelings all the same.

This isn’t easy, but I think it starts with some things we have control over, like receiving the love that comes, as it comes. When someone does something nice for you, to just believe it instead of criticizing it. I was actually trying to do that in bed last night. My wife said something sweet to me, and I was trying to just accept it instead of needing to ask why or rationalize it to myself. We can practice being thankful for what we /do/ have, the love we /do/ receive, instead of fantasizing about the love we /don’t/ have.

Honestly, it’s a journey, and giving yourself some grace and patience for being incomplete is a really good starting place. You’re caring about your heart and your emotions at a young age and that’s amazing. Everything’s going to be okay, friend. Keep sharing, keep pursuing wholeness. You’re doing good already; hold fast :slight_smile:
-Nate

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Thank you for your reply. It actually made me feel a little bit better about myself and everything. Thank you, again.

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