I need advice for my worthless problems

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He fucked up. He really, really, really fucked up.

My brother hasn’t been in a great place lately. He’s been wanting to die and claims he feels nothing for anyone. Not even his own son. Naturally, my family and his wife were there for him when he admitted himself to the hospital. They only allowed two people in there so it was just him and his wife-let’s just call her A. My parents drove us back home and we stayed there for an hour then they left when A called, leaving me and my brother behind.

When they got back, my dad had my brother in the car, opened the door and then left to go stay with him off at home. My mom and A walker into the house and A was sobbing saying that “he ruined my life. She ruined my life.” Later on, when she calmed down, A decided to talk on the phone so she went outside. My mom said that she would tell me what he did in her room.

There was this girl, let’s call her M, who was living with them and was A’s best friend. My mom told me that my brother was delusional and that M was manipulative. She kept claiming that they were “meant to be,” and that it was “written in the stars.” He cheated on A with M-HER BEST FRIEND. This affair also happened before him and A got married.

Then A, later on, asked me to go on a walk with her. I naturally agreed and overheard a conversation she had with her sister. Apparently, M wasn’t the only one that he slept with. There was his ex-girlfriend who also had the same name as M. Then there was this other girl-also the same name (M)- that he slept with while him and A were living together in an apartment.

Just a while ago, my dad brought him over for a quick hug and talk. While we were hugging he said:

I fucked up. I really fucked up. I’m a disappointment. Do you think I’m a failure? I’m scared, I’m so scared.

Etc, etc.

I feel pressured to love him because he’s my brother. He’s family. But I don’t know anymore. When my mom first told me he was depressed, I didn’t feel anything. Then when we had our “first talk,” I saw him crying and I immediately broke down. Then when she told me he cheated, I still felt nothing. The second talk made me break down too.

But now, an hour later, I feel nothing. And I’m scafter that I don’t feel anything. I just make the same old jokes to cover up the non-existent pain I’m feeling. It makes me feel more okay.

I’m just so glad that this didn’t happen during school time because I don’t know if I could’ve taken it.

Anyways, I asked for advice. So do y’all think that its okay that I feel obliged to love him but also take A’s side. Do you think he has a thing for M’s? I can’t feel anything anymore and I just want to cry. I want to breakdown again but I feel the need to be strong for my family.

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Hey, @Pumpkin-Panda. You came here to ask for help because this isn’t something you know how to handle. It’s ok to ask for help. Your problems aren’t worthless.

Unfortunately, people do dumb things sometimes. We have to live with it as much as they do, just because we know what they did. You can love someone and not agree with their actions, but you also don’t have to love your family. It’s not a prerequisite. We tend to think it is. They’re blood, right? Blood is thicker than water and all that. But sometimes family isn’t worth the mental anguish putting up with them can cause in life. When you have people in your family who do bad things, I feel it’s important to learn when you’re about to reach your limit and how to decide if you need to cut them off or change how you’re supporting whomever is causing the problem. If they are toxic and cause ongoing problems, or if the one thing they did wrong affects you really bad, sometimes you just can’t be around them.

Your parents are probably going to expect you to support your brother, and he probably needs that right now. It sounds like he’s in a bad spot mentally because of the unfortunate actions he took. But remember that this is your life, and if you don’t think you can support him without causing yourself to be hurt (mentally, physically, etc) in the long run, then maybe you need to step back from the situation. (I know that’s hard when it’s right there in front of you, but your health needs to come first for you.) Maybe take the chance right now to look at what you can do AND what you’re willing to do. It’ll help you if you can find a way to forgive him for his actions. It might not have affected you directly as in it didn’t directly happen to you, but it still affects you in multiple ways, and he still broke your trust. If possible, talking to your brother about the things he’s done and why he’s done them can go a long way in helping you to understand and come to terms with it. It’s also okay if you defend your SIL. She probably needs that right now. If you can’t support either of them right now, that’s ok.

The fact that you aren’t feeling anything could be a factor due to many things, like it could be shock or it could be indifference, although it sounds more like the former than the latter- You weren’t expecting this, were you? Even knowing only the basics of things, it can take time to take everything in and really process what’s happening- not just hours but days. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not feeling anything, or even for not knowing how to feel. That will change as the situation progresses.

I hope things in your life start looking better someday soon.

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Thank you. Today is even worse because I’m in the kitchen and all I can hear is my SIL and mom talking. They’re both sobbing and I keep telling myself that I have to be strong for my family. My mom said to her that “he’s in a bad place and this is really affecting him, don’t take actions against him because I don’t want him to kill himself.” Then A said that “He said that he loves her. Why couldn’t he just say that he loved her before we were married? I don’t want Mi (their child together) to grow up without a father.”

They’re still talking and my mom just said some things that he says is bullsh!t.

I want to support both of them and you’re right, I never expected this to happen. I can’t think straight because growing up with my brother…I never thought that he would be a cheater. This is going to affect the rest of his life, her life, my family’s life, Mi’s life, and my life. A is planning to move back close to her family with their dog and their child, leaving my brother behind. Before they were here, I was in a bad place too, not as bad as my brother but it got to the point that I wished, I really wished that I would never wake up. Them coming to live near us made me…happier. And I don’t know how I’m going to live without them.

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I don’t know how to deal with this…and my family, they seem to believe me when I say that I’m okay and that I’m doing great. I have to be good at lying for them because I don’t want to say that this is really affecting me and that I can’t feel much about it. That’ll just break them down even more-even though I still feel like they don’t really love me as much as they love my siblings.

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To be honest, I don’t think it’s fair of your mother to be putting that type of pressure on your SIL… She doesn’t deserve to feel like it’s her fault if someone dies by suicide. No one deserves to feel that way.

If you feel like you can, I’d strongly urge you to talk to your family about how you feel. I know you said you’ve been saying your fine, but it’s important for you to be honest with them. They can’t help you if you aren’t telling them the truth. It sounds as if maybe they want to support you and help with your struggles during this time, and if that’s true, it would be good if you talked to them. Maybe bring up trying family therapy or something similar. It sounds as if your brother needs to go to see a counselor, and it wouldn’t hurt for the rest of your family to also go to work through this.

I highly doubt that your parents love your siblings more than they love you. Yes, they love you differently because you are not your siblings. You are your own person, unique to everyone else, and so they love you for you, just as they love each of your siblings for who they are. That doesn’t make them love you any less.

I think you’re stronger than you know at this moment. What’s happening is a life changing event, and you’re here, trying to figure out how to get through it. That’s important, and that takes courage and strength. It may not feel like you’re strong, but sometimes it’s hard to recognize strength in yourself. Like I said, things will change as the situation progresses. You’ll learn more about what’s going on and what steps need to be taken as things happen.

And hey… I’m glad you’re here. Don’t give up. This will get better. Just give it enough time.

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