So this will be a large rant, like very large. So I get that other people need help a whole lot more since this problem isn’t exactly urgent. I have posted on here a few times before on some of my issues, and I have always had such a great response. Today’s issue isn’t as serious as my other ones, but this one is more of a build up of smaller issues that make a big one. I’m sorry if this isn’t the best place to rant like this, but this is really the most anonymous place to do it.
So I am going to start way back. I mean wayyyyyy back. Second grade. Second grade was my very first relationship. On the playground there would have a group of girls (That we called a gang) that I was the leader of. There was another “gang” and it was made up of boys. We would fight everyday at recess and everybody took it seriously. One day I got close with one of the other “gangs” members and asked him out. I may have liked him, but I think I mainly just did it to get information on their group. The rest of the day was fine, until I got home and got to bed. I had a panic attack, which at the time I didn’t know what it was or what a panic attack was or even what anxiety was. The panic attack was about the relationship. And anybody who has ever had a panic attack or anxiety attack knows that they are just terrible. (Sorry if I am misusing panic attack for anxiety attack, I have always just used both words for the same thing.) And so the next day I broke up with him, and the anxiety went away. And years later in 5th grade summer, I had another panic attack after getting into a relationship. We dated for a solid 2 hours before I broke up with them. And yes, I did feel bad about it, but my panic attacks can get so bad I will have physical symptoms, and I just really couldn’t deal with it.
My anxiety also works with association, where basically if I have a anxiety attack around or about a person, place, or thing I can’t be around them/it without having high anxiety or an anxiety attack. This will be important for later. So fast forward some more years, 7th grade. In 7th grade I liked this guy, lets call him Drake. Drake and I were really good friends towards the end of the year, or so I had thought at the time. He never really seemed to care too much about me, and I was always a substitute for him. I mean, he would still hang out with me, but usually in groups, and he would only really chose to talk to me if there wasn’t anybody else interesting. But I was head over heels for this guy. And when he did hang out with me, he showed signs he may have liked me. On the last week of school I had told him I may be moving and switching schools, and that it could be my last week at the school.(I didn’t, but there was a possibility at the time) And it was in the last two days that I realized he didn’t actually care about me, and I decided to drop him as a friend. Did I go through with it? No. Did I run back to him a week later? Yes.
We talked over Instagram a lot, and one day I told him a pedo had messaged me. This is where it gets a little bit messy. He and one other guy, lets call him Josh, had convinced me to message him back asking for money. I was a stupid, blinded by love, seventh grader, and I went through with it. We never got anything, and dropped the situation. I took screenshots of what had happened and one day my dad found it. I got my phone taken away permanently, and got a flip phone a few months later. I called Drake a week later on my home phone and gave him my insta info to delete some messages. My dad wanted all of my social medias usernames and passwords, and a lot of my friends weren’t exactly pg. Me and Drake continued to talk over my home phone throughout the summer. That is a lot of important backstory, which will be important later.
I went to a summer camp every summer, and on the last week all of my friends had already left for school. So I invited Drake for the last week, and he showed up. Everything was fine until I had a panic attack about him. It was one of, if not the worst, panic attack I have ever had. So I tried to get through it and continue hanging out with him, since I was the one who invited him. But this is where association comes in. I couldn’t be around him without getting really high anxiety, or having another panic attack. Even the thought of him could give me a panic attack. I tried to push though it, but I just couldn’t. I asked him to leave on the Wednesday of that week. I didn’t explain to him why, it would have been way to awkward. I know this was me being a really bad friend, but I just wasn’t strong enough to get through the anxiety.
In September we reconnected, and talked for a while. One day I asked to sit at his lunchtable since my “friends” wanted me out of theirs. I sat down with him and a few of his friends, but the anxiety was instant. Within 10 minutes I was gone and walking back to my usual lunch table. We never talked again until this July. Now this is where the current situation kinda comes together. In December, he remembered that he still had my insta info and decided to pretend to be me and catfish somebody using my acc. Lets call him Noah. He also just messaged people pretending to be me.
I found out about this in April, and finally confronted him in July when he was trying to reach out to me. He justified what he did as revenge for me asking him to leave the camp. This made me realize just how similar we are, I had justified telling him to leave as revenge. But I would have never done what he did, even if I had his information. When I had found out about what happened in April I sent out emails to everyone saying what had happened, no one saw them. No one my age checks their email, but it was the only way I could have reached out.
I am now a freshman in high school. This week was the week I started school, and an old friend of mine I haven’t talked to since 5th grade came up to me after school and we talked a little bit. When I found out about the catfishing I had saw that she sent me a message asking if I would ever date Noah, the guy that was catfished. Since I knew she knew him I figured I would mention it to her. But she mentioned it first by saying “Do you know Noah? He used to have the biggest crush on you last year.” And I told her yes, and explained the situation. She game me his phone number to talk to him and I did. Since I still have a flip phone, I asked if I could call him since it was a long story. So we called, and I explained it to him. He was really shocked, but he completely understood what happened. I told him I would still like to get to know him, since he seemed like a really nice person. We talked for another hour or so, but I had to leave to do some chores. We texted for a few hours after I was done with everything, and the same thing but without the call the next day, and a little the day after that.
Now, this is where everything is gonna start to come together. I know this rant so far has been a mess of information, but it all does tie together. Since me and Noah have been talking he has made it very clear that he still likes me. He has openly admitted he was flirting, and a whole lot of other stuff. But I am just not interested in a relationship right now for quite a few reasons.
- I need to focus on my mental health, my anxiety had been really bad.
- I have a fear of commitment, which is where the first story ties in.
- I don’t have many friends, and I just wish I had more.
- I kinda have a crush on another guy.
I don’t know how to tell him that I only want to be friends without it being out of place. I also told him I was joining the bowling team, and now he is planning on joining too. I super don’t want it to be awkward. Another thing I am worried about, is if/when I meet him. What if I have a panic attack about/around him? I am nowhere near strong enough for that. Because if he joins the bowling team I can’t push him away. He will be there, and I will see him multiple times a week. I am really worried about this. Insanely worried if you will. My panic attacks are so bad I might have to quit the team. Maybe I could power through it. It would take a lot of will though.
So a quick summary,
-I have had a fear of commitment since (or maybe before 2nd grade)
-I can have terrible panic attacks that I associate with someone or something. Which has torn apart many friendships of mine.
-A old “friend” of mine catfished someone
-I am talking to the person that was catfished
-They have made it clear they have feeling for me, and seems to be joining the bowling team because of me.
-I only want to be friends.
-I am worried I will have a panic attack around them, and associate it with them or bowling, and be mentally unable to go back to the team or be friends with them anymore.
Thank you to anybody that decides to read my rambling, and hopefully you will have some good advice. Sorry for everything being such a mess, I just tried to give as much information as possible. I know a lot of the things I have said kinda make me seem like a bad person. I am not justifying it by blaming my anxiety, I am giving the cause. I just wasn’t strong enough to handle my own mind. Its really overwhelming at times. And also this story/rant does highlight some of the bad times in my life, and not my good. I am sorry to any friends or anybody I may have hurt from pushing away. I know it isn’t their fault, its mine.
