I need help and I feel like I have no one to talk to

I have always believed in God, and recently I have been really talking to Him and feeling close to Him and begging to be able to feel and find the truth and accept it. To be honest with myself and God and thos around me. To feel like I’m truly being myself.
I have been abusing weed for a while now too though, and I didn’t know why for the logest time.
This coming closer to God was much needed and came about as a result of finding myself so lost, confused, empty and truly fucked up.
And then I had a day just a couple days ago where it felt like the facade just melted away and I was able to see what had truly been bothering me and see why I had been trying to run and escape.
And it was because I had realized I was in love with my best friend. Like, for real. Then that night when we were at the kitchen table talking I had this mind-blowing moment, this sudden thought of a life with him and it felt like this indescribable thing, this way I haven’t felt since I was child. Like the world was real and full of wonder and it was life like I had always imagined it to be and it freaked me out and terrified me and made me realize that’s why I’ve been running.
Because I’m a guy as well.
I’ve only ever been with women, but I know for sure none of them made me feel this way, or even made me feel capable of feeling emotions. I feel like he pierces straight through me at the deepest level, like nothing else is as real, true and honest.
And even though I have hardcore felt the same amazing energy from him, so many things lining up and happening in such a way that is just indisputable, he has never straight up admitted it aloud, but I’m convinced he feels the same way. I can’t be crazy.
I have always been good at reading people and I don’t feel like I’d suddenly be wrong here, standing face to face with a realization I never dreamed I’d have; one I’m terrified to admit is the truth.
I just don’t know what to do. God is love and in order to know God one must know love. And how can you know love if you’re afraid to have it for someone?

But at the same time, the Bible states that loving someone of the same gender is wrong.
But how can love be wrong or discriminated against if God is love? Is it possible man has tainted the Bible?
I truly love God and believe in Him and His Son but I find myself in love with another man. Where the hell do I go from here?


Wow that’s heavy. You are feeling something that’s challenging a big part of your identity that you took as a given, and that’s a big gut punch that will take time to process through. I can understand trying to run from that reality through getting high and burying the thoughts. I don’t think doubting yourself or dismissing it will do any good, but I think you should reflect on it and try to grasp the full meaning of what you’re feeling. Then again, I hyper-analyze everything, so take that with a grain of salt.

The Bible has been interpreted from Aramaic to Greek to old English to a few versions of “modern” English, with probably a few more translations, and a lot of the literal meaning has been lost along the way (like passing a camel through the eye of a needle). I’m not a Bible scholar, but from what I understand, the passage in Leviticus “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination” refers to predatory sodomy. Leviticus was a behavioral guide for the Jews to distance themselves from the hedonistic Pagans around them. It doesn’t say anything about loving someone of the same gender. Again, not a biblical scholar, but if God is love and you know God, then you know what love is, and I think if love is pure then it shouldn’t have an asterisk next to it.

My personal belief on the matter is that you didn’t choose your orientation, God made you that way. He made man in His own image, and saw that it was very good. Why, then, would God make something he thought was an abomination? It fails the logic test. As for anything physical, people can debate the morality of gender preferences all day long, but I’d like to take a step back and ask the naysayers about their own sexual purity. Did they ever have sex out of wedlock? Are they living together as husband and wife without being married? Have they ever committed adultery in their minds? Have they ever done anything to cheapen the gift of sex in their marriages? If the answer to any of those questions is Yes, and it probably is, then they have no business looking down on you for being immoral when they’re immoral too. The Bible is a lot more clear on those things than it is on same-sex attraction. To paraphrase, they’re looking at the speck in your eye while ignoring the log in theirs.

God loves you. You are a child of God before you are anything else–your profession, your family, your love life all come after being a child of God. God loves you, God does not hate you. However, you are a sinner. We are all sinners. We are all equal in God’s eyes as sinners–one sinner isn’t worse than another. The price of sin is death, so if we are all sinners then we are all doomed to death. Now use that to give context to the expression “Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for our sins.” Jesus took on the doom of all humanity and paid for it by getting brutally executed. He paid the tabs of everyone in the bar, so to speak, and he didn’t exclude anyone for any reason. Anyone who thinks your sins or your nature are worse than their own is committing the sin of Pride, and violating the Second Commandment of loving their neighbors as themselves. People’s judgments don’t matter in the eyes of God, only God’s judgment matters, and God loves you just the same as he loves all the other sinful people in the world.

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Even though it speaks against being homosexual in the Bible, that’s really wrong. I think that disciminative people put that in there. God makes everybody the way he makes them, and he loves everybody the way the are no matter their sexuality.
God is love, and he isn’t hate. All discrimination, even if they claim it comes from God, doesn’t.
God loves you.
I am pretty sure your’e not crazy. I think that God made you this way and you are probably meant to be with this freind.

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I cannot express how much I appreciate you, your response, and how much time and thought you put into it. You are loved by God and myself in an agape way, brother.

And that’s also part of my answer. Earlier in the day I had thought back to a time when this same friend told me about how there are 3 types of love…eros, philos, and agape. I looked them up again upon receiving this reminder and it explains a good deal. Not all, but a damn good deal.

I certainly don’t dislike women, and in regards to the sexual aspect of a relationship I know that lying with a woman just seems much more natural, but even though I’ve felt agape love with my previous relationship, which was with a woman, I never felt the way I do about my friend. It was good, like serenity, but it was no this feeling.
Even though I feel like there’s a reason and/or purpose for there being 2 genders (naturally, excluding anything genetic that can arise and confuse the balance in rare cases), I have never been too fond of children or the idea of having them.
I know there would be a lot of joy early on, but I also know there are just a lot of things that are beyond my control and could go wrong and I just don’t know that I want to bring more life into the world. Most of mine has been hell and I do not want to have offspring who experience the same. But that isn’t even my main point and is a bit of a tangent. The idea of kids could grow on me, and now that I think of it, it has since the last time I thought about it, but I’ve just never been decided on it.

Back to being on topic, though, when I think of my friend, the thought of a life without him makes me sick to my stomach and the thought of a life with him feels like the most true genuine path I could take and I just can’t shake the significance of such a feeling.
But my friend believes his love is philos and I just don’t think he’s being honest with himself, nor do I think he will change his mind about it. I’m not even sure how I could go about it differently. Anyways, it’s strange; I used to think solely about sex when it would come to feeling in love, because everyone had just made it seem like such a big deal, like it was so amazing, and then I rushed in and found out that it isn’t amazing with the wrong person, but rather mediocre to be honest.
But with him we began as friends. I had never thought about him as anything else.
Then some time into my moving down to where he, my other roommate, and myself rent, I started feeling like he was acting weird and it was making me uncomfortable at first, but then the more I thought about it, the more it threw everything into my life into question. I began to wonder if he was feeling a way similar to how I feel now at the time. At first it was wrong and horrible because that’s what I’d been taught (though I have never truly understood why it was wrong, I just operated under the ideology I had been raised with and the fear of the stigma itself.
But then I almost started feeling the same way, and I finally said something and he denied it immediately and after that I felt the energy change again, back to the way it was before.
More time passed and shortly before my dive into the weed abuse I mentioned earlier I started feeling like I might actually have that same love for him, but I felt disgusted with myself because such a thought should be wrong and it didn’t feel wrong at all.
So then I started running without realizing it and then found myself more empty than I had ever been, legitimately staring at my own eyes in the mirror and seeing nothing…it terrified me. I didn’t want to be that way and didn’t know I could fall lower than I had always been before.
I started talking to God and being honest for the first time, and actually talking, not just saying a short generic prayer and avoiding being real. I started screaming for answers, feeling these emotions for my friend, not understanding how God and love work, and now I’m here. In my time alive, I do not remember a time where I was able to feel the way my friend is making me feel and all of this is just so much. I want to be real and honest and feel all these things, terrifying as it is with what exactly all that these things are. I wanted these questions and answers but I had no idea just how much it would all be. I’m closer to the answer but part of it is still missing it feels like.

I have also just learned that he does feel agape as well. But either way I have digging to do. I don’t want to become what is described in 2 Timothy 4:3-4…I have to be sure of the answer. I know I have love for him but I know my love for God comes first and no matter what my life ends up being, I don’t want to die filled with regret and an irreversible error of way.

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Let God Guide you. I can tell he already is guiding you.

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