I have always believed in God, and recently I have been really talking to Him and feeling close to Him and begging to be able to feel and find the truth and accept it. To be honest with myself and God and thos around me. To feel like I’m truly being myself.
I have been abusing weed for a while now too though, and I didn’t know why for the logest time.
This coming closer to God was much needed and came about as a result of finding myself so lost, confused, empty and truly fucked up.
And then I had a day just a couple days ago where it felt like the facade just melted away and I was able to see what had truly been bothering me and see why I had been trying to run and escape.
And it was because I had realized I was in love with my best friend. Like, for real. Then that night when we were at the kitchen table talking I had this mind-blowing moment, this sudden thought of a life with him and it felt like this indescribable thing, this way I haven’t felt since I was child. Like the world was real and full of wonder and it was life like I had always imagined it to be and it freaked me out and terrified me and made me realize that’s why I’ve been running.
Because I’m a guy as well.
I’ve only ever been with women, but I know for sure none of them made me feel this way, or even made me feel capable of feeling emotions. I feel like he pierces straight through me at the deepest level, like nothing else is as real, true and honest.
And even though I have hardcore felt the same amazing energy from him, so many things lining up and happening in such a way that is just indisputable, he has never straight up admitted it aloud, but I’m convinced he feels the same way. I can’t be crazy.
I have always been good at reading people and I don’t feel like I’d suddenly be wrong here, standing face to face with a realization I never dreamed I’d have; one I’m terrified to admit is the truth.
I just don’t know what to do. God is love and in order to know God one must know love. And how can you know love if you’re afraid to have it for someone?
But at the same time, the Bible states that loving someone of the same gender is wrong.
But how can love be wrong or discriminated against if God is love? Is it possible man has tainted the Bible?
I truly love God and believe in Him and His Son but I find myself in love with another man. Where the hell do I go from here?