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I need help. Im snapping again

Hey there. So I’ll start by explaining who I am so you can have background as to why this is so bad for me mentally. I grew up in New York. I was a gang member (i will not say what gang or where for .y own protection. But it was predominantly Latino.)
I grew up typical, no father, mom doesn’t notice you, the gang becomes family and now you got a stick. I got affiliated as a shortie when I was 12. So this became my entire life.
Rape, murder, extortion, shootings, no reportings and mamas left traumatized. Recently I’ve taken a big fall. I met my fiance 3 years ago. She was perfect and changed me. She got me working smarter. Had me feeling loved. Protected me. She was better than any drug I was doing back then. So with her I got clean, went to my first therapist and though it didn’t last long, they noticed a record from when I was in juvenile hall. The psychologist diagnosed me with ptsd. I didn’t understand it but I definitely do now. No .matter what day what time… My minds on my homies and my block. So she made me better. Completed me. She left today… About 15 minutes ago… And then I just got a call from my cousin… Little homies dead. I watched eem when my boy was in jail. He just turned six last month. A bullet went through the wall and hit him. He didn’t .make it. So now I’m stuck with all of this. I feel my past self tugging at me. And frankly I’m starin at the nine ready to stop myself from going back… I need help. I need someone. I need a friend. One who won’t overdose, get shot or get locked up. I need a real person…

Thank you for taking the time to read this

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I’m a real person and I’m not gonna get shot or locked up. I’m not sure how much help I can be tho, honestly I’d recommend looking into a professional therapist because frankly, I have no experience with something like this.

Im 19 year old boy from California currently doing a Biology degree in college and ATM am doing research in Bermuda. I have never been through and will never go through most of the stuff that you have. I can listen sympathize and understand but that’s about everything I can do.

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From: ladytapioca

Hey Friend. I understand this, I for a small amount of time was in something like a gang. I sold myself on the corner and sold drugs. I had to do, so much just for a little amount of time, it broke me, shattered me. But I got through not only with the help of my partner of coming up on 4 years but also Here in heartsupport. I know you can get past this, give yourself grace, and time. You can still be free from the past, and properly grieve the death of your friend. I believe in you.

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Hey man, first of all thank you so much for posting. I appreciate you being brave enough to open up about your past and some of the things you’ve experienced. That’s tough, especially with everything you’ve been through in your life. I’m glad that you’re here now.

I want to let you know that there is more to life than your past. I grew up in a rough environment myself, I wasn’t involved in anything like gangs personally but I grew up around a lot of people that were in school. There were a handful of kids in my high school who were there one day and didn’t show up the next, either they were in deep with gang stuff or they were themselves victims of gang violence. It was really sad to hear, especially when some of them were friends of mine in middle school then left for a different crowd when we got to high school. You don’t have to go back to that, I know that’s easier said than done especially when it seems like that’s all you know. But you don’t have to be about that life, you have so many more opportunities in front of you if you choose another path.

I’m sorry to hear about your fiance and your friend. Brother, I promise you they would want better for you. However you can right now, in my opinion you need to try and get out. If not for yourself, for them. That life has no happy endings, and you KNOW that now. You’ve seen it, and you feel the effects of it. You deserve better, the fast life ends in tragedy always. Please don’t let yourself become another statistic.

You have the opportunity to take a different path in your life, and even if it may seem more difficult that makes what is possible for your future more rewarding. You have real people here, real friends. Even if we’re not there with you in person, we care about you. You’re a part of this community now, we want you to grow and thrive in a healthy and happy way. Keep reaching out here, it’s different but it’s nothing but love and forgiveness here. You have the ability to take control, I believe in you.

Keep posting and coming back bro, it’s love here.

Hold fast man @Atazoth

From: the_casualhero

i come a similar world. Lost friends and family in front of my eyes and sustained a lot of mental trauma that has skewed my perception of the world. I can can tell you that there is healing. Today i’m open to people and have learned to stop hating. I have taken my life into my hands and stopped letting circumstances tell me who i am. I cant tell you exactly what to do but i will be here to provide support and guidance. I can tell you that there is hope and that hope is beautiful.

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Thank you very much homie fr. I needed that. You are right, this way finna get me killed or locked up. At the very best I have money from drugs but no relationships. This game has made me scared to get attached. I’ve lost to many homies man… My own little homie got bricked recently and it’s killin me. I don’t want to be a statistic at all and I am trying to leave, using my art, as a career. It allows me to express but recently it seems people are willing to pay for it. And generously. I really hope I can do better and get out of this place homie. I wanna get out the hood. I wanna have homies who I won’t have to fear for whenever they walk out my door. I don’t wanna be at a barabacue and start hearing lead pop off. I want to live, love, and experience. Recently medical marijuana (not legal in nys but it was decriminalized.) has been helping me deal with my ptsd. I’ve always smoked but now that I use it as a medicine it truly has helped me more than any pill the psychologist ordered me. I hope to see a change in my life soon. I’m gonna get outta this trap man.

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@Atazoth
Hey friend, we spoke about your topic today on my live stream. Also, I would love to send you the artwork that I made for you. Hit me up: [email protected]

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