I need help... Really

I wasn’t going to make a public post about this, but I really can’t handle being in this position anymore.

My parents have been together for more than 30 years, with their 27th wedding anniversary coming up in less than 2 weeks of writing this post. However, for the last few weeks, my mum has been talking about leaving my dad and my dad’s entire world has been shattered.

Here’s a little bit of background; My dad has been extremely abusive (verbally) to me for virtually my entire life, and also to my mum. My mum has been dealing with it and pushing my dad to get help because of his depression and other illnesses. After I moved out more than a month ago, that’s changed. She decided she no longer wanted to be with my dad, that she’s fed up with thinking about everyone else (basically, me, my sisters and our rescue dogs that have been passed from house to house). She said it’s because I moved out she decided she didn’t want to do it anymore. My dad doesn’t blame me, but she does. She thought initially that she wanted to stay with him, but live apart and see how it goes because she still loves him - she told him that. However, she went and visited her sister and stayed with a friend, and came back after that week and suddenly tells my dad she doesn’t love him, that what she said before about loving him, etc was a lie… She’s threatening to take the dogs away and never come back.

What my dad did isn’t right, I don’t blame my mum for wanting to get away, but I’m a little mad at her for lying to my dad about loving him, knowing that he gave up quite literally everything he had to be with her and ensure that her dream business takes off… He has nothing, he gave it all to her. She is his entire world, and within seconds, she shattered his heart and took that away.

I know that my dad abused me, and I know that I shouldn’t be getting in the middle of it, but with my mum gone, he’s the only person I have that he can talk too. He has no other family left, they all died when he was young.
Problem is, I’m an overly empathetic person and I’m taking on his heartbreak. I mean, literally. It feels like I’m experiencing double the pain I felt when we lost our dog, and that was the most pain I’ve felt in my entire life. I’m feeling my own emotions around the situation, and on top of that, taking on all of his pain because my own heart is breaking for him as it is. The pain is so incredibly heavy… I just want to take myself out of reality… Pretend this whole thing is just a nightmare. Thing is… I’d be disappointing a lot of people if I start using drugs again and honestly? I don’t think I would come back from it. I wouldn’t be able to stop. I also keep thinking about what would happen if I killed myself… Would it bring my family back together? I mean, they’d have to help each other through the pain, they would HAVE to be there for each other, right?

I’ve been praying on this every single night, telling myself that God knows what he’s doing, and there’s a reason this is happening, no matter what happens, the result will be what is best for me and my family, He doesn’t just put us through pain for no reason and He’s always looking after us. Even with telling myself that and believing that - the pain is just too much and nothing I do makes it easier to handle.

The worst part? My mum said that it wasn’t us as her kids keeping her in the house, it was out that we had to put down a few months ago… She also said if our dog hadn’t passed away 3 months ago and was still here, this wouldn’t be happening… He made her realize how much she wanted this family.

Don’t see this as me being mad at my mum. I’m not, I’m just in so much pain. Trying to stick to doing the right things on a schedule I made to help me, no matter how much I don’t want to… It’s feeling hopeless and pointless right now though.

I think this is the most honest I’ve ever been in a post… I’m sorry it’s so long, I just don’t know how much longer I can get through this without drugs or self-harm - nothing else is working right now.


1 Like

I’m going to copy and pate what I sent you on discord but also say this,

I know that things may feel like it wont feel or get better. And that is a natural thing to be feeling right now because everything is intense, hurtful and drastically effects yours and everyone elses life. It takes time to heal and recover from things like this. Do what you need to stay focused and healthy. It’s okay to hurt but try to keep yourself busy with the things that you love and enjoy to help you from falling too hard. Dont let these things be what provokes you to hurt yourself or relapse. Were here if you need us.

Here’s the copy pasta from discord

"Just know regardless of what goes on, none of this is your fault. So don’t blame yourself for moving out. I know you mentioned your mom said it was you moving out that was part of her deciding. You needed to get out and be on your own. So don’t let that drag you down. I hope you know that.

As far as your mom and dad. Your mom may not have gone about how she handled things very well, but it sounds like there was a lot of things going on. Abuse and negativity that nobody should have had to deal with. Them separating may put everyone on a path of healthier living and better versions of yourself. I know when I was married and in a relationship I no longer loved and was not healthy for me, it really started to effect how I was as a person.

There is a lot of hurt going on for everyone. But just try to love both of your parents as much as you can. Even children may not always know the full perspective of an intimate relationship and the stuff that goes on to make it fall apart. Just know you shouldn’t be taking any of that fault on yourself. Do what you need for you. :heart:
Anyway, I’ll be slow. Spending time with a friend, but I love you and Im truly proud of you for being open, honest and vulnerable in a really hard time. Things will get better. Sometimes it takes getting through hurt first, but things can get better"

I love you

Dear Kayla

It can be hard to grow in very dramaic family event, especially when you grow abuse house whole. It seem it both them have some issue they need to work. I can understand where you mom is coming and no should hurt anyone, in any form. However, I do feel you mom was using you dad and she honeslty kinda leaving to dry. I feel if you dad was trying fix his problem, she should have support him. I have family member going to something simlar, but both should try work together. It seem you dad wheb throught alot and he just need some help.

Also I know it seem like a shit og bagage and it easy said than done. But dont give up on your mental health, and you family would be devasted if anything happen to you. I never have a drug, But do have self harm myself and resplse two weeks ago. Addition is bitch to over come, but that part of recovery, it not meant to easy.

Most of all, you dont have control on other people actons and you dont need blame yourself on their problems. Try do the best you for your mental health and remember take yourself first, becuase when mental broken you cant help anyone.

Maybe try do something fun, whatever a movie, a walk or anyting like getting a ice cream. If feel you need have something, just get a snack, or a soda. Also the most important you are not alone, if you trust in higher power, let god or the unverse do it thing. Sometime you accept we dont have control and let flow the river of life, instead of fighting against. Please stay strong and remeber you are loved here.

Checking in on you to see how you are doing. Love you. Be gentle with yourself