I wasn’t going to make a public post about this, but I really can’t handle being in this position anymore.
My parents have been together for more than 30 years, with their 27th wedding anniversary coming up in less than 2 weeks of writing this post. However, for the last few weeks, my mum has been talking about leaving my dad and my dad’s entire world has been shattered.
Here’s a little bit of background; My dad has been extremely abusive (verbally) to me for virtually my entire life, and also to my mum. My mum has been dealing with it and pushing my dad to get help because of his depression and other illnesses. After I moved out more than a month ago, that’s changed. She decided she no longer wanted to be with my dad, that she’s fed up with thinking about everyone else (basically, me, my sisters and our rescue dogs that have been passed from house to house). She said it’s because I moved out she decided she didn’t want to do it anymore. My dad doesn’t blame me, but she does. She thought initially that she wanted to stay with him, but live apart and see how it goes because she still loves him - she told him that. However, she went and visited her sister and stayed with a friend, and came back after that week and suddenly tells my dad she doesn’t love him, that what she said before about loving him, etc was a lie… She’s threatening to take the dogs away and never come back.
What my dad did isn’t right, I don’t blame my mum for wanting to get away, but I’m a little mad at her for lying to my dad about loving him, knowing that he gave up quite literally everything he had to be with her and ensure that her dream business takes off… He has nothing, he gave it all to her. She is his entire world, and within seconds, she shattered his heart and took that away.
I know that my dad abused me, and I know that I shouldn’t be getting in the middle of it, but with my mum gone, he’s the only person I have that he can talk too. He has no other family left, they all died when he was young.
Problem is, I’m an overly empathetic person and I’m taking on his heartbreak. I mean, literally. It feels like I’m experiencing double the pain I felt when we lost our dog, and that was the most pain I’ve felt in my entire life. I’m feeling my own emotions around the situation, and on top of that, taking on all of his pain because my own heart is breaking for him as it is. The pain is so incredibly heavy… I just want to take myself out of reality… Pretend this whole thing is just a nightmare. Thing is… I’d be disappointing a lot of people if I start using drugs again and honestly? I don’t think I would come back from it. I wouldn’t be able to stop. I also keep thinking about what would happen if I killed myself… Would it bring my family back together? I mean, they’d have to help each other through the pain, they would HAVE to be there for each other, right?
I’ve been praying on this every single night, telling myself that God knows what he’s doing, and there’s a reason this is happening, no matter what happens, the result will be what is best for me and my family, He doesn’t just put us through pain for no reason and He’s always looking after us. Even with telling myself that and believing that - the pain is just too much and nothing I do makes it easier to handle.
The worst part? My mum said that it wasn’t us as her kids keeping her in the house, it was out that we had to put down a few months ago… She also said if our dog hadn’t passed away 3 months ago and was still here, this wouldn’t be happening… He made her realize how much she wanted this family.
Don’t see this as me being mad at my mum. I’m not, I’m just in so much pain. Trying to stick to doing the right things on a schedule I made to help me, no matter how much I don’t want to… It’s feeling hopeless and pointless right now though.
I think this is the most honest I’ve ever been in a post… I’m sorry it’s so long, I just don’t know how much longer I can get through this without drugs or self-harm - nothing else is working right now.