I need help to get out of this vicious cycle

I’ve always been a pretty mixed bag when it comes to social interactions but i think i’ve reached something i need to get away from. I’m emotionally lonely, always have been. I feel like i have no one to talk to, not because i’d be different or complex or special or anything. I’ve been trying to figure out if its because i seem like the type of guy who doesn’t talk about emotions or if i just have a hard time talking about them. It’s affected my ability to form serious friendships and i think it’s keeping me from forming a romantic relationship as well.

It’s this cycle of “i’m okay, i’m seriously not okay, i’m fine, i want to die”.

When i was younger i used to always be in a relationship. They’d just come and go and i had no trouble finding someone i could be with. I think i grew taking it for granted and now that i’m reaching my thirties, i’ve had a few years of pure hardship. Every now and then i meet someone and there’s the connection, i feel like i can share my life with them and i want to hear what makes them happy, sad, motivated, feel loved, etc. I’d feel motivated to do what i love to do and i’d spend my days worry free because there’s that someone i could talk to. But then, before the relationship would even take it’s first step, it’s gone, leaving me confused as to what just happened. I’m usually very realistic about it, thinking “this happens to everyone” and “i’m just going through a rough patch, there’ll be someone soon enough” but it happens over and over again and it feeds this destructive thought pattern where i become extremely unconfident which i’m sure shows. I’m going through everything in me. Am i not attractive physically? Do i come out clingy? Do i not listen to their troubles enough? But i never find the answer. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. But even if that’s the case, i still feel so bad.

I’ve never thought about suicide seriously. Always in my darkest moments it’d be just a passing thought i’d give no attention to. I’ve started to have panic attacks and today, in the middle of one, i thought about the technicalities and it scares me. I don’t want to do it to my mother, my niece, my brothers. But i’m miserable and i’m scared if the thought of “you wont feel anything afterwards” takes the bigger hold.

I feel like a lot of sources say you should find ways to be happy by yourself and then you’ll be truly happy. I want that but it’s so hard when my soul is craving for a person to tell me it’s gonna be alright, give me a hug and scratch my hair. I’ve cried more than once for just the thought of it. I don’t know what to do.

Do not give up or give in. You are not alone. I’ve been in your shoes. I’m gonna give you some advice that may be hard to swallow, but it helped me tremendously.
Until you are happy and content with who you are, alone, you will never be truly happy.
October 29th 2018 I woke up wishing for death. I was done living a monotonous, never ending cycle of a life. I tried everything I knew to stop the torment of anxiety and depression. I drank enough alcohol to kill an elephant that day. I was given 30 seconds of clarity and I called my brother for help. He talked me into going to the hospital. For once I listened.

Long story shorter, I was admitted to a psychiatric facility for 11 days. After that I flew across the country to rehab for 30 days, and then moved again for 9 months of intense outpatient therapy. I opened my ears and mind and did everything that was asked of me. Today, I’m almost 11 months sober and I’ve never been happier with who I am in all of my life, 47 years old.

I absolutely understand wanting a relationship to help you get through this, but you need to do this on your own with possibly the help of professionals, if your happiness is to last. I wish like hell there were magic words to make it all disappear. All I can offer is my experience and results and struggles.

I hope something in this response gives you an ounce of hope.

1 Like

From: echoewings

Thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes it is so hard to do it on our own, but you are not alone. We see you, we hear you, and you are worthy. Here to tell you, it may not feel like it now, but if you give yourself a chance…you’ve made it this far. There is every reason things will be alright.

From: tromboness

Romance is difficult to find. I’m able to focus on my friendships, but I still have that empty space for a significant other. You are not alone. I can’t guarantee that something will work out, but having friends helps.

From: stafflower

I hear you, friend. I’ve felt similarly before. You’re recognizing things in yourself that need work, but most of all, you’re doing the work by reaching out. Know that you’re not alone and you are immensely loved by this community.

From: kayla1508

I understand how it feels to think you’re going to be alone and that you have no one. My whole life I have had people who promised they would never leave, walk out of my life… one of the people who helped me so much with personal struggles is leaving, and I’m back to having a hard time knowing who to trust all over again. I want one person to hug me and tell me it’s going to be ok, but I cant so in that moment, suicide or harming seems like the next best option I even relapsed over it

From: ladytapioca

A lot of relationships I was in was toxic or abusive I blamed myself. I want to give true love to a person and be able to receive that. The more and more I was hurt the more I blamed myself I wasn’t enough. It shattered me till I was lucky enough to find a relationship that was what I was looking for. Love on that close level takes more time than we like, which is why people break up in weeks. Give yourself and others time and patience then you will be able to make that connection.

Hey friend. We covered you topic on our Twitch stream today! Here is the live video response. Hold fast <3

2 Likes

Hello everyone, and thank you so, so much for your replies. I must admit i’m very overwhelmed by the amount of replies and how thoroughly you went through this in your live stream. Thank you Casey and Dan for your time talking about this and for your encouraging words. Also, i’m sorry i took some time to look back into this.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting these past few days. I guess i could be pretty proud of myself because i did conclude into a lot of the points being brought up during this stream. I have been hard on myself and i know there is worth to me even if i don’t have a significant other to tell me that. I do want there to be someone i could share my life with but i’m also very well aware that’s not something you’ll just go and fix. I could find someone tomorrow, a year later, 10 years later, but it doesn’t matter because in the meanwhile it’s just me and myself. I’m taking small steps to become a more open person to my friends, let them know i have feelings to share and i’m open to hearing about theirs. I want to improve myself to be more productive, artistic and healthy so i would know there’s more to me than just the fact i have love to give. Small steps is the key.

I know there’s people who have it worse. I feel like i’ve been really strong by getting myself into a better place so effectively and i want to help others who might not have the same strength. I’m gonna stick around if you guys don’t mind.