Hi so this is gonna be my last posts and i just want to tell you guys what i did first and than explain why i am comcerned and feeling awful. I am really embarrassed by the suff ive done because Everything i dif was very shameful. The dumb stuff i did was when i was 14-16 just because i was really horny and i feel so awful about it. I promise you guys that i have changed now and I wouldn’t do any of this stuff in a million years today. One day I started to think about what i was actually doing and I stopped pretty immediately and really wished i never started. What i did was I pretended to be a few girls from my school online and i would send people there pics to get their reactions cause at the time i got off to it. These pics were usually either just regular shirt pics or bikini pics. Probably the worse pics ive ever sent was a pic that was zoomed in on a girls chest area in a bikini which makes me feel awful cause its gross. A few other bad things i did was ask for this thing called cum tributes for like a two week period and than stopped cause i felt completely ashamed of it.I made a couple different group chats on different nights and sent Bikini pics the worst being the zoomed in one which I already mentioned I probably sent in a group chat one or two tines and in dms maybe 10 or more times which i feel really awful. I asked the people in the group chat to comment their thoughts about each. I sent pics in dms and asked some people to make a reaction video or rank their favorite pics ive sent in order. I told a couple people i was their online girlfriend for some reason and told a couple people they could save the pics ive sent and like 2 people that they could make the person i was pretending to be their lock screen. Im very disgusted by all those actions and the thought of it makes me want to throw up . The thing that scares me the most is that there was like 2 different occasions where I probably sent bikini pics from girls when they were only 10 on two different days when i was 13 or 14 and as i went on from their most of the others they were 15 or 16 in and a couple others may have been as low as 12 but probably not that low i guess it doesn’t really matter cause they are equally disgusting and I regret all of it. Next i took like 10-15 /sneaky pics/videos of girls from my school and one video of a girl on the beach that I deleted pretty instantly and even stupidly decided to use one or two of them online while catfishing which i now find super wierd and horribly regret it. I later deleted all of the pics/videos because i felt completely ashamed of it. I also uploaded one of them to my sports twitter account in my older account for some reason but thankfully that was in my earlier days where i had not many followers and i deleted it when i saw it was still their. One other dumb thing i did on twitter was i asked like around 20 people maybe a little more to rate the girl from my school that i took the pic of and i used that pic. Some of the stuff i did on twitter early on was really wierd and i horribly regret it. No one except like 2 people really found me asking that wierd but 3 years later I really cringe from it. Next for a 2 week period i would upload 5-20 pics/gifs of girls from my school to Reddit a night and on some of them i would ask wierd questions like would you jerk off to this or smash or pass. I typically deleted every post each night after an hour or two. Next which this is probably the most embrarrasing thing i did which i think was when i was 13 is when i called some girl in my school on snap and it was just an anonymous account and my plan was to record them while on facecam. I have no clue why i wanted to do this and it was beyond messed up. Thank god they didn’t pick up because i guess why would anyone ever pick up to a random number. Lastly i did this like 4 or 5 times for probably like 5 hours total I pretended to be an aunt i used to be attracted to online. Now this one haunts me the most because my aunt and uncle have always been good to me and I actually really care about them. Once I started to realize what i was doing and how bad it was I deleted any of the profiles i was still using. My past has constantly been on my mind the last three months and i just feel so terrible about it. If i could go back i would do everything so differently. I know i will never do any of this again and i have done any of this stupid stuff for 6 months now. Three of the main reasons i feel awful about this is because i probably could get in trouble for this because i was using girls my ages pics and alot of the people i talked to were adults too which makes me feel awful, some people might still have some of the pics ive used, and everyone would probably hate me if they knew about this. Ive been feeling a little better recently but of my main issues now is that ive deleted most of my profiles but some are still out their and They will be hard to find because i don’t remember every website i used. On the other hamd Ive looked at all my purchases apps and ive been able to go through and check if ive deleted those which has been successful my only problem with that is that some apps aren’t in the store anymore so ive tried to email them about it. I only found like 5 accounts up and they all had no new messages and their was only a max of one bikini or a regular pic on the profiles i made. Because i was online i got like 4 or 5 messages and told them that I wasn’t actually her so i do think most sites don’t really bring up your account if your innactive. Most of the websites i used were chat rooms and I haven’t been in them for a while so no one probably messages me anyways im just worried because I definitely have some pics up or somehow people still look at my accounts possibly. The thought of some of my accounts still being up scares me and it makes me feel awful. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice for me regarding that .I just want to be a good person but i feel like that’s impossible after all this. I try to find people on Twitter or reddit who might need some advice or support lately because i want to try to make up for my horrible past and just make the world a better place. I also feel like i don’t deserve happiness. I feel like i dont have a terrible life but because of this i have pretty much ruined it for myself because i cant go 10 minutes without knowing that their is still some stuff up on the internet. Sorry for making this so long but I really wanted to just be specific and tell you guys about all my regrets. Thank you for reading this and if you have any advice id love to hear it.
Thank You
Hi @Hockter24,
I read your post, and I wanted to thank you for sharing all of this. I can only imagine how it feels to open up in these precise circumstances, so I want to emphasize your bravery first and foremost.
I hope this will be for you a very first step towards restoration. For others, but also for yourself. You are your very first judge and I respect your honesty.
I personally don’t have precise advices or recommendations about your past accounts, especially since you don’t remember all of it. But I see that you’re doing a lot to make sure that what you published online would be deleted, and that’s a good thing.
There’s something I’d like to bring up, but you don’t have to respond or explore this publicly if you don’t want to. I see that you are doing your best to deal with the consequences of your actions and somehow repair what happened. But I’d like to ask you: do you know why you did this? What are the possible reasons behind your actions? From what I understand, this doesn’t happen once but repeatedly and for a certain amount of times. Which means that you had many opportunities to stop but didn’t. The question remains to know what were you pursuing with this? - To be clear, because with written messages misunderstandings can happen: I’m not judging you by asking those questions, and I’m certainly not trying to guilt you. As said earlier, I can tell with your post that you are your very first judge here. But I think it could be interesting for you to explore those questions. Alone or even with a therapist. It didn’t happen by mistake. And maybe you were young, but somehow old enough to understand what you were doing.
I know this kind of question can be a little scary, especially because it can make you think that something’s wrong with you or you’d enter in a self-destructive mindset. But I think that understanding ourselves is absolutely part of learning from our mistakes and be true to ourselves. And if we jump into the easiest conclusions (“I’m a monster”, “I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve good” (…)), then we delete any possibility of true healing and growth.
It’s a personal perspective, of course. Take it as it is. I just wanted to take some time to underline this.
Again, thank you for your honesty and for sharing all of this.
You deserve happiness. You deserve good in your life.
You are loved, sincerely.
The past can be so haunting. To feel like you made decisions you can’t undo, to feel like there are things you can’t unsay or unsee…to feel like you are permanently scarred, permanently marked, and will be permanently haunted…to feel like nothing good you ever do could overwrite the bad that you’ve done…there’s so much weight…and you’re /sixteen/…it’s so brutal to feel like your whole life is trashed, like you have no redemption, you have no opportunity, you can try as hard as you want to be a good person, but you never will be because of things that you did in the past.
I can relate so much to this. I’ve done things that I’ve regretted and wished that I could take back. I know what it feels like to have your past be like a massive, living shadow that follows you and hates you and wants to steal all of your happiness…
First thing is – YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
The important thing about knowing that you are not alone is knowing that other people have skeletons in their closet, and they are capable of living happy, healthy, wholesome lives…/good people you know/ have skeletons in their closet. EVERYONE has fallen short, EVERYONE has done something that disgusts them…being imperfect is /part of being human/. You are not especially fucked up. This is great news! You are pretty much par for the course!
What /is/ extraordinary about you is that you are not keeping that darkness in your closet. You are bringing it out into the light. You are giving yourself the opportunity to make what you’ve done right, to find healing, to FACE this, and to come clean.
Personally, I have had some really brutal confessions. I thought I was going to die, I thought that I’d rather just take these things to the grave with me, but when I brought them into the light, I experienced so much freedom and forgiveness and love. Some of them were brutal, but it gave me the opportunity to NOT live a life with unresolved relationships and issues.
What’s important about what you’re doing is that you’re FACING it. You’re not going to let it eat you and destroy you. This is honestly amazing news for you.
Here’s the challenge – you need to come to a place where you can forgive yourself. It literally doesn’t matter at all what I think about you, in comparison to how you feel about yourself.
Forgiveness isn’t accepting what you did – you can disapprove of/be disgusted by/etc what you did AND choose to release yourself from punishment.
What will be interesting to work through is – what would keep you from forgiving yourself? What would keep you from believing that you deserve to live a happy life?
Answering those questions may be a really good place to start. Feel free to journal here and process it with community. Whatever your answers, we’ll believe that you are deserving of forgiveness, love, and happiness. We’ll believe that the truth about you is that you are a good, worthy, beautiful person. And you’ll be safe to share whatever else you need to share.
-nate
Thank you
I did it just because i was horny and i think it was just a wierd kink i had. I started to realize what i was doing wasn’t good for me at all or anyone else so than I stopped.
Thank you I really appreciate that message,
Ive kinda gotten over most of my really wierd interactions but just having possibly like 5-10 accounts up bothers me cause it makes me feel like im still catfishing although I really stopped.