I need the Help, Want the Help, but I can’t seem to get the help

Hey guys. It’s Carolyn again. So a bit of an update on how things are going with me. (As I write this it’s 5:30 AM so bare with any grammar mistakes I make.) This past Thursday I was taken into the hospital for suicidal Ideations. I went through the psychiatric emergency room,got evaluated and then got admitted. That’s a good step in the right direction. But then I started freaking out. This was a hospital that I’ve never been to before. It was all new and to be completely honest? It was scary. I knew not one person there. I freaked out. I started crying, bashing my head into the wall. When the Nurses and Doctors came in, I became even more hysterical. I wanted to get out of there. No scratch that. I NEEDED to get out of there. I felt so out of place, so uncomfortable… that I gave up my treatment to get the hell out. I know that I shouldn’t have. That I should have stayed and got put on medications where I could be monitored and they could be adjusted, but I left. And now I’m stuck. I’ve never broken down like that before. And I’ve been hospitalized 3 Times prior, but all at a different hospital than the one I went to this time. There, going in the second and third time I knew people that worked there, had a relationship built with most of them. I don’t know what in me snapped this time, but I saw a side of myself I never thought I’d see. I’m posting this because I want your guys opinion. Do I Try another Inpatient Center, Go into Residential Treatment or stay outpatient. I’m conflicted at this point. I haven’t self harmed in a while, but I feel that may end soon. And trust me I don’t want to. I know you guys aren’t medical professionals but I feel connected with you all and trust and respect your opinions. And I’m also open to any coping skills or anything else you all think may help. Thanks for reading and Thanks in Advance for responding.

Hold Fast
Carolyn Boldt

Hey Carolyn,

Yeah dude, that sounds super scary. Sounds like a brutal moment for you…especially looking inside yourself and seeing yourself react like that it’s like – oh gosh…not even sure what to make of all of that! And you feel yourself slowly sliding downwards into this place of wanting to self-harm…you felt yourself slide into suicidal thoughts…it feels like you’re having a hard time holding on where you’re at and you’re wondering if you should get extra help or if you’re going to be okay doing what you’re doing.

Here’s what I’d recommend: look at the trajectory of where you’re headed and make a decision based on what’s going to help the most in the long run.

Here’s what I mean:
–> in outpatient, do you see yourself heading in an upward path, toward healing, or not making much progress, or getting worse?
–> when you went to the hospital, did you see yourself get better from before to after? and how did it influence your life in the long run? for better or worse?

Whichever of those options has a better influence on you would be the better one to pursue.

BUT if you feel largely in the same spot after being in both programs, it might be worthwhile to explore other options. Because if both of them just keep you from wanting to die – there’s definitely value in that, and if you’re at that place, it’d be better to do that than keep yourself in limbo – but if they don’t help you IMPROVE your life and move towards more maturity and strength and capability, then it’d be worthwhile exploring other options that might help you move in that direction.

I say you should look for help. I don’t know who to point you towards because I don’t know what sort of help. Therefore I suggest professional help. A professional would know what type of help you’d need or at least point you in the right direction.