So, normally I wouldn’t write this thing publically, but I feel like this time it’s for the best.
For the last 15months, I have been in recovery from drug addiction as well as fighting some mental illnesses that I’ve dealt with since before I even started relying on pills. I mean, I thought I was anyway. It’s dawned on me that maybe I was wrong.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a huge Demi Lovato fan, and she is one of my idols. in 2018 she released a documentary about her struggle with drug addiction, Bulimia, and Bipolar, etc. I remember watching it the day it dropped, having followed her story for a long time I knew I could relate. As hard as it hit me then, I watched it again today for the first time since getting clean and it hit me in a completely new way that I never anticipated…
During the interview, she explained that the team around her told her she had to surrender and let them help her, or she wouldn’t ever overcome these things and there was nothing more they could do. That’s when I realized that, although it might have been 15months since I used any form of substance, I haven’t started to fully recover.
I’ve been trying to live my life the same way as someone who isn’t an addict, and then being upset or hard on myself because I feel like I need to relapse. No addict can live that way. We have to constantly be aware of what we’re letting into our lives because 1 false move, 1 small mistake could drive us back into that destruction.
Watching that documentary back has made me realize I need to not only surrender my will and my life to the care of God and to the process of recovery, but also surrender to the people who work so hard to help me when I feel everything is so out of control, because generally, when I give in and actually listen to what they say, the situation really does become more manageable…
It’s taken me a while to get to this point, but finally, I know I need to stop trying to live life like a non-addict and commit myself 100% to my recovery. Now I just need to work out how to start living that way after so long… I just felt like maybe by putting it out to more than one person, I’ll be more likely to start making changes in order to do these things.
Kayla