Back to heartsupport

I need to talk

My boyfriend and I were talking a little while ago and he thought it would be a good idea if I shared something I’m struggling with right now here. He is also sitting here with me, because this is really hard for me…

It’s kind of long, I just have a lot to say.

One of my biggest fears is fucking up what I have here. Loosing the wonderful people that make up this community. It’s a valid fear because it’s happened a lot in my life. Heart Support’s community (You) is all I have and really all I want right now. It’s the healthiest place I can be at this point in my life. I’ve grown and learned so much here. I’ve also been forming close friendships that are very valuable to me.

When I love you, I love you with everything I have and it causes me a lot of anguish. I can feel your emotions, even in your written words and it deeply affects me.

I’ve been experiencing intrusive thoughts lately and it’s starting to alarm me. It’s causing me a lot of suffering and anguish. This is where my relationships start to go down hill and I’m starting to hear things like… (my boyfriend wants me to name them).

“Why didn’t this person respond or react to my post, omg I’ve done something wrong and now they hate me.”
“Why is this person offline in discord but posting on the wall? Are they tired of me?”
“They aren’t paying attention to me, they hate me, I should just disappear.”
“Should I DM this person with my problem? The told me I could but am I annoying them? Should I wait until they DM me first? Why aren’t they DMing me? They must really hate me…”

You get the idea…

I’m so ashamed of these thoughts and it makes me sad because you all have proven over and over how much you care about me and you don’t deserve it. The support and acceptance I receive from every single one of you (streamers too) is something I have only experienced one time in my life. Every single one of you are in my heart.

When someone with BPD feels the tinniest sign of being abandoned or rejected (real or perceived), this deep fear overwhelms us. Just an innocent look could trigger me into believing you hate me. Sometimes, we do things that don’t make sense (because you have no idea what is going on in our heads at the moment), like ghost you (to test if you notice) even tho all we really want is your company. Or decide that it’s better to just leave your life before you leave me first and I can’t be hurt. There is usually a lot of drama and I know it’s not rational, I know…but, it’s truth. It could be desperate acts like self harm or suicide threats if you leave us too. It can be a big fucking mess and usually where I loose everything. I split with you or you tell me to fuck off and you never see me again.

It’s different now though, because I understand more about this fear of abandonment and I’ve learned some coping skills that have been coming in handy. Therapy starting soon, I hope too.

I know that you haven’t seen any of this so far. I have to work very hard to keep myself aware that those intrusive thoughts are not reality. It’s so hard and so exhausting to have to continuously fight this. I’m struggling with the shame of having these intrusive thoughts and I want it so badly for them to stop.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

6 Likes

Hey @Mystrose,

I think this community conveys something special and safe among online places. Not saying it’s unique at all, but, it is for sure full of compassion and a desire for everyone to be kind to one another, to make sure that one feel loved and never left on the side of the road. We surely are all aware of how this can be rare, at least as a community, “in real life”. What seems rare, what we care about, is something we can be more inclined to fear to lose. Love, in general, holds a part of risk and, inevitably, of loss too. So it’s tempting to retreat and sabotage ourselves. If we decide when the loss happens, then it shouldn’t be as hard as if someone leaves us, right? Life seems easier when we control the outcomes.

You know already that, as much as it is scary to trust others with ourselves, it is something worth the risk. If we live based on our fears, if our decisions are only made out of what could happen, then we will never give ourselves a chance to simply exist, with all that life has to offer - both the joy and fulfillment of love, and the hurt of loss/sadness, which are just two sides of the same piece.

The more you try and stand your ground despite the fears, doubts and intrusive thoughts, the less their impact will be strong on you. It may always be there, but it won’t necessarily affect you with the same intensity over time. The scary part though, is that it is through practice and practical experiences that we get to see that our mind was wrong. It’s about jumping into the unknown over and over, even if we know rationally that we have a safety net to catch us before we hit the ground.

There is no shame to have for having intrusive thoughts. We are all prone to doubts, whether it’s at the scale of simple “what if?” or complete paranoia. It is part of human experiences, and even more in the life of people who lack of self-confidence. If there is a place where people are reunited with the awareness of how it feels to be afraid of trusting others with our own vulnerability, I would say that it’s here. This community is a good place to experiment. To try and see. To prove our mind that it was wrong, even when our thoughts felt like the ultimate reality.

It took me a year to even start speaking in this community because I was afraid of starting to hold onto something I would be constantly afraid to lose. Struggling with hypervigilance, I am constantly aware of people’s behaviors, ways to speak, words they choose, and my first interpretation is negative/against myself. It is pretty challenging when it comes to online interactions, which follow different dynamics than with someone who’d be in front of us. We don’t get to see the body language, which can be a gift or a curse sometimes. Because of hypervigilance, self-sabotaging has always been a messed up strategy in my life - rather than taking the risk of being disappointed, I’d choose the option of simply existing. Doing the opposite is tough. It’s a learning process. It’s made of movements forward and backwards over and over. But it’s worth it. Because what we get to experience when true love and acceptance are present, goes beyond everything else, even if there’s always this fear in the back of our mind.

BPD is one thing. But you are a human being, with a unique spirit and mind. Your future, your personality, your self are not written in your symptoms. As much as psychology and diagnosis of all kind help us understand ourselves more, it would be a trap to consider it as being what defines us forever and in any circumstance. Your story is not written in a diagnosis. I could experience BPD and relate to what you go through, but we would never understand how it is to be each other. Ever. Our experiences would still be unique.

I believe you’ll keep growing as you’ll keep learning to understand not just the struggles you have, but how it is in your experience of it. You’ll keep growing as you’ll keep testing the waters, even if it’s just with your fingertips. You’ll keep growing as you’ll also receive the help from your future therapist. Somehow, the most challenging part is to learn to trust the process too.

I believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

4 Likes

Hello yes its me, I wanted to respond to this one, you know sometimes I dont always get it exactly right but ill do my best.
We talk “a lot” about all this sort of stuff and many other things and some of it I understand, some of it I dont and some of it I can relate to far too much as you know and this bpd is a horrid thing to live with, its mean and rarely leaves you alone however what @Micro says about it is so true, its a diagnosis but it isnt you, you are separate from that, it is something that has happened to you. You certainly dont have to feel ashamed of any symptom of it, I think i can speak for most people that care when I say that your energy is better used practicing methods to reduce the thoughts rather then stressing about having them? saying that of course that sounds idealistic but I am kind of that way in thinking and with that being said, I know you cant control the thoughts as such but with the coping skills are you also learning to trust more? I honestly can relate to these thoughts, there have been times that i have made myself physically ill just by my own reaccuring intrusive thoughts that literally feel like they are going to drive me to insanity and cant imagine that every single day.
On the reverse its also hard to tell somone that you have their back and their brain tell thems not to trust it. I dont know what the answers are which is also why I am so pleased that you have the chance to go and have this therapy. I truly believe this will help a lot.
Rosie, you are a kind, caring and funny person and friend and I want to see you relax within your head more, I dont know if its possible to separate the person from the illness more than it is now but maybe that is something we could look into. I hope some of all this has made a bit of sense? you know how I waffle when we talk.
Get some sleep and hopefully tomorrow (for you) will look a little brighter. Love You Friend. xx

3 Likes

hello friend, and hello wise supportive bf on the side of friend, thank you for encouraging her to show her feelings to us!

That BPD can go suck an egg, as Granny Edna says, but every day you fight against it, ever single day you show how far you’ve come in understanding yourself, and reminding your brain that you know better, even if it floods you with fake beliefs and fake talk.

You’re inspiring, in your honesty and your openness. I have learnt so much from you, from all the links you share, to understand a tiny bit of how much work you put in daily to coexist with your brain.

Thank you for sharing your heart here, and your beautiful self. We’re all better for it :slight_smile:

3 Likes

Hi Mystrose
Thank you :slightly_smiling_face:. Thank you for your trust and for your willingness to share your thoughts. Please know that I have never found you annoying or anything like that. I like to read your posts. They are personal and there is a lot of truth in them. Your responces are insightful and supportive and I appretiate them a lot. I know it must be painful to have so many harmful thoughts that cause you to spiral into dark places so please know that you are loved and appretiated here by me and many others.Thank you for being you Mystrose. Thank you for being here with us. Thank you for existing. I really appretiate you. :wink:

3 Likes

@Micro Thank you so much for your lovely words of encouragement, love and acceptance. I’m thankful for your friendship and I have so much respect and love for you that it brings tears to my eyes. Every single word of your post was felt in my heart and that Micro hug is something very special that I think everyone here looks forward to receiving. I think you are right about not being my symptoms, I’m standing in the hurricane face on but sometimes I find myself in it’s calm eye and I can see glimpses of myself. I want to see more and being here is allowing me to shed away some of the BPD layers and find who I really am, because I have no clue yet. I know who I need to be when I’m around you, but just sitting here in the quiet… it’s uneasy because there are no clues as to who I am to guide me. Much love my friend.

@Lisaw1973 Hello my dear, Favorite Person (LINK to what a Favorite Person is in the BPD community). Oh what a place you’ve found yourself in, eh? Yes, I actually do trust you. You have been very mindful of your role in my head (it’s different in my :heart: ) Also, for me, being aware of this and learning about it has helped me to deal with the triggers better. I actually read the other day that it is healthy for me to have told you about it. :hrtlegolove:

@Sita I love your sense of humor lol. Thank you for always being there and putting up with me. You always have some type of wisdom thru words or the music you share and it’s very much appreciated and seen. :hrtlegolove:

@Ashwell Thank you, I do appreciate every single word you’ve wrote to help support me. I like reading your posts too, because I can connect with you. I hate that you go thru some of the same things I do and I respect you more than you know. :hrtlegolove:

This video is for everyone to watch when you have time. It’s 7 mins long, but it’s just some things I want you all to know. :hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove:

5 Likes

that video was really great to summarize it!

this person in this one also helped me to understand what it’s like for persons with bpd.

Thanks for educating us @Mystrose , it helps us all build our compassion and understanding skills.

1 Like

Hi mystrose,

First I want to say I’m very proud of ur bf for encouraging u to share ur feelings. Ik that’s not always easy to do. Trust me I’ve been there.

I want to remind u of some words u said to me a while back when I had these thoughts about my friend

I just want u to know that I will NEVER get tired of you and I really don’t see anyone else in this community get tired of u either. U have been so kind and helpful to alot of people here including me. I appreciate every single reply u have posted on my topics. U are absolutely loved and charished by everyone in the heartsupport community. Promise me u will never forget that ok? We love u so much and that won’t ever change!!

3 Likes

This video is chillingly accurate to how I experience BPD. I can feel the fear in her voice when she talks about how she feels. I get that same fear too and start to shiver inside and it makes my voice shaky like hers was the whole video.

Thank you for sharing @Sita and thank you more for seeing me. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

:hrtlegolove:

@Andy Thank you so much for the reminder, I appreciate you. It’s hard to remember all the things I have to do in order to cope with one little situation so little thoughtful reminders like this are very meaningful to me.

I will try my hardest not to forget :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

@Micro Thank you so much for your lovely words of encouragement, love and acceptance. I’m thankful for your friendship and I have so much respect and love for you that it brings tears to my eyes. Every single word of your post was felt in my heart and that Micro hug is something very special that I think everyone here looks forward to receiving. I think you are right about not being my symptoms, I’m standing in the hurricane face on but sometimes I find myself in it’s calm eye and I can see glimpses of myself. I want to see more and being here is allowing me to shed away some of the BPD layers and find who I really am, because I have no clue yet. I know who I need to be when I’m around you, but just sitting here in the quiet… it’s uneasy because there are no clues as to who I am to guide me. Much love my friend.

I just wanted to thank you for this response. I didn’t take the time to do so because at some point the topics naturally follow the flow of going down. But, I’ve been thinking of these words a couple of times, and it warms my heart. That was very kind, and I am more than glad if I can bring even just a bit of comfort sometimes.

Also,

I’m standing in the hurricane face on but sometimes I find myself in it’s calm eye and I can see glimpses of myself. I want to see more and being here is allowing me to shed away some of the BPD layers and find who I really am, because I have no clue yet. I know who I need to be when I’m around you, but just sitting here in the quiet… it’s uneasy because there are no clues as to who I am to guide me.

This is a very good thing to be aware of. When I first started back with therapy, I expected my therapist to give me some kind of homework to do and completely guide me. I thought that’s what I needed but I was so wrong because it’s what I had known for my entire life and what made me comfortable: being told what to do and who to be. Having clear and delimited directions to follow without the discomfort of makin decisions myself and just… being.

The type of therapy they provided at the time was a lot more open so it was a bit of a shock too. With my new therapist, it’s been even more talk therapy than with the previous one, whose sessions were also a time for hypnosis. It is freaking uncomfortable because it really is like being in front of a blank page and not knowing where are the limits, what are the “rules”, which direction to follow… As you are familiar with gaming, I’d use that term: to me, it feels like being in a sandbox game. The creativity is exciting, but the openness can also be super stressful! You can do and be whoever you want. But when you don’t know who you are, it’s… pretty challenging, and stressful somehow. But it is in this challenge that we also learn to become who we are, to be born a second time.

Acknowledging our struggles, naming them, diagnosing them and udnerstanding the perks of them is very helpful as it brings understanding, but it doesn’t teach us who we are. So it is (at least in my opinion), followed by a time when we learn to actually detach ourselves from them and reclaim our identity. Which doesn’t mean we ignore them or would be in denial. We actually learn to integrate them to our life in a way that is meaningful to us, but without letting them conditioning us entirely. It’s a fine line and a very very personal harmony to create in our life.

Learning to discover yourself is surely one of the most exciting experiences you can have in this life. Because once you feel more connected to what makes you who you are, to what makes you feel vibrant and connected to the world around you, it is completely amazing and provides a solid strength within. It allows you to be more authentic with people too. To feel like you own your life. Cultivating openness and curiosity regarding who you are is an exciting and fulfilling experience.

Okay… I got carried away, lol. End of passionate rant now. :sweat_smile:

I hope today will be a good one for you! Take care.

1 Like

Of all the BPD traits, the identity one is the one I can’t comprehend fully yet (Do I understand any of the traits fully yet?). I’ve watched videos and read things about it and I see how badly I am affected by this and I think this is going to require a lot of therapy.

Identity disturbance is a term used to describe incoherence, or inconsistency, in a person’s sense of identity. This could mean that a person’s goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing.

It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity.

Of course, people without BPD struggle with identity disturbance, too. But people with BPD often have a very profound lack of sense of self, or loss of identity.

I don’t know how to be the same person to everyone in my life that I have contact with (strangers included) and it’s hard to find definition for myself and relationships. I literally change my personality (sometimes, even my beliefs and values) unconsciously to fit the environment I’m in. Something I read not too long ago said to try and remember things from my childhood… like what I wanted to be when I grew up or interests/beliefs that I still hold. It could start as the base of how I build myself or something like that. So, I’ve been really trying to look deep down and figure that out.

My Christian faith is something that, even though has shifted slightly (I was into Shamanism for a couple years) and has been questioned, has always been something I held on to. I also have a couple hobbies and interests that I’ve held on to. I have found that after something bad has happened in my life, I will bring out my old hobbies or something from my childhood like a piece of jade my 4th grade teacher gave me because it always helps me. I wonder if that has anything to do with all of this somehow.

The “About Me” section of any profile I’ve ever filled out has been so hard and usually I skirt around it. “Gamer Mom” is my go-to haha.

I remember when I was a teenager seeing my first private talk therapist. Sitting on the couch as he just stared at me. I don’t remember exactly what he said was happening but I remember trusting him and feeling peaceful while I hovered over myself looking down at the room. I don’t know if there was a point to it tho.

Just for the record, I consider your posts big hugs. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

Hey Mystrose!

I know you saw it on stream but here is a link to EsRivs’ response to your post for you to watch again if you need it!

3 Likes