My boyfriend and I were talking a little while ago and he thought it would be a good idea if I shared something I’m struggling with right now here. He is also sitting here with me, because this is really hard for me…
It’s kind of long, I just have a lot to say.
One of my biggest fears is fucking up what I have here. Loosing the wonderful people that make up this community. It’s a valid fear because it’s happened a lot in my life. Heart Support’s community (You) is all I have and really all I want right now. It’s the healthiest place I can be at this point in my life. I’ve grown and learned so much here. I’ve also been forming close friendships that are very valuable to me.
When I love you, I love you with everything I have and it causes me a lot of anguish. I can feel your emotions, even in your written words and it deeply affects me.
I’ve been experiencing intrusive thoughts lately and it’s starting to alarm me. It’s causing me a lot of suffering and anguish. This is where my relationships start to go down hill and I’m starting to hear things like… (my boyfriend wants me to name them).
“Why didn’t this person respond or react to my post, omg I’ve done something wrong and now they hate me.”
“Why is this person offline in discord but posting on the wall? Are they tired of me?”
“They aren’t paying attention to me, they hate me, I should just disappear.”
“Should I DM this person with my problem? The told me I could but am I annoying them? Should I wait until they DM me first? Why aren’t they DMing me? They must really hate me…”
You get the idea…
I’m so ashamed of these thoughts and it makes me sad because you all have proven over and over how much you care about me and you don’t deserve it. The support and acceptance I receive from every single one of you (streamers too) is something I have only experienced one time in my life. Every single one of you are in my heart.
When someone with BPD feels the tinniest sign of being abandoned or rejected (real or perceived), this deep fear overwhelms us. Just an innocent look could trigger me into believing you hate me. Sometimes, we do things that don’t make sense (because you have no idea what is going on in our heads at the moment), like ghost you (to test if you notice) even tho all we really want is your company. Or decide that it’s better to just leave your life before you leave me first and I can’t be hurt. There is usually a lot of drama and I know it’s not rational, I know…but, it’s truth. It could be desperate acts like self harm or suicide threats if you leave us too. It can be a big fucking mess and usually where I loose everything. I split with you or you tell me to fuck off and you never see me again.
It’s different now though, because I understand more about this fear of abandonment and I’ve learned some coping skills that have been coming in handy. Therapy starting soon, I hope too.
I know that you haven’t seen any of this so far. I have to work very hard to keep myself aware that those intrusive thoughts are not reality. It’s so hard and so exhausting to have to continuously fight this. I’m struggling with the shame of having these intrusive thoughts and I want it so badly for them to stop.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.