i am kind of sorry to bother you, with such a thing that anyone could easily overcome alone or with friends, but i just cant. It started like half a year ago, when my girlfriend broke up with me. It was more like agreement that i am not what she is looking for as future boyfriend and i can totaly understand that and i tought its alright, but all that time we were together, she was the one keeping me going and i left my job and went to try university, because i tought i can do it, again because the courage that she gave me. So i studied hard and got in and we broke up like two weeks after. After few weeks i begin to notice that i dont know what i want anymore, because before that, it was to make her proud.
Well now tables turned and i have to study a lot for exams that are cooming soon, and i just cant make myself do it. Every day i go to school, telling myself how i will study after, and when i get home i cant, i just would open a beer, watch youtube and then go to sleep. I know i want that, to be smart, to pass those exams and show everyone that i am smart enough, but i just dont know how to make myslef do something. I hate myself for that and i am often thinking about how it would be great if i just died and wouldnt have to deal with anything of this ever again. I hate waking up, i hate geting home knowing that i will be just doing nothing. I didnt even clean my room for like 3 weeks, because when i try, i just start panicking and hating myself ending up with beer doing procrastinating.
I know it sound easy, just stop drinking and do it, but i just dont know how. Life is just not a thing for me, i am enjoying not a single thing now. I dont know what i want and i cant figure out. Someone please help me, i need to get out of this loop and be happy again. Thank you so much.
First of all, I’m glad you’re able to talk about this. Even anonymously to a group of strangers, it’s scary.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. Sometimes it feels like rock bottom is too deep and you’ll never be able to climb out. But you can and you will. When I’ve been at my lowest points, I guess I just try to start to do one small thing for myself every day. Take a shower, eat a well rounded meal, etc. From there, it’s easier to maybe accomplish something bigger (like cleaning your room) and so on.
It’s terrifying because you’re scared you might fail, and you might. But then you start over again and eventually you are where you want to be. You can do this. I believe in you. You deserve to be happy again.
Thank you so much. Yes i am so scared that i will fail and i want to do something about it, but just in my mind. And when it comes to doing something i am unable to even clean my teeth, or doing any basic thing that noone even thinks about doing. I will try that at all, but iam so scared because there is just no time, so i can start doing little things, and then there will be the exams and i really really cant even imageine how miserable i will feel if i fail those and i would just give up at all.
I know you may not believe me, but you can do this. No matter what happens with your exams, you will be okay. Poor grades are not the end of the world, even though they may feel like it. You will be successful and happy soon. Just keep working on treating yourself well and everything will be okay in the end. You are much stronger than you think you are.
i wish i was, but its same thing almost every day, late night i am telling myself how i will change things tomorow, how i will do stuff i want to do and need to be done, but every single time its same. Me doing nothing and telling myself i will do it tomorrow, this is the last time i am not doing it. I just feel like iam not strong enough to do it myself, that i need someone else who will help me trough this, that i will care for and that would be kind of demanding that i do stuff that normal people does. I cant make myself do it alone.
I’m in the same boat. So many things I must do but I cant. Simple stuff like showering getting dressed . I totally understand and then the internal beat up you do to yourself because you expect more from yourself.
Breaking up is hard. And you have to mourn that and with it comes changes and losing someone there is still grieving … and depression is apart of the greiving process… maybe what you are going thru with the loss of motivation and how the easy things become overwhelming… I got your back on that one…
I cant always do it but when I can muster the strength to try n get stuff done sometimes i break it down in small steps and set a timer… like I’ll watch a video and when it’s over I’ll set the timer for 60 mins and I’ll go clean or so self care whatever until the timer goes off… or at least do two things then I’ll watch another video then go two more things.
Sometimes it helps if I make a list of the things i did do even the smallest things so I can feel like I got something done. You kind of down played it at the beginning by saying it’s no big deal and you should be able to etc… breaking up is painful theres no right or wrong way to get thru it… maybe theres hurt and anger there that you haven’t let yourself feel … and pushing on with school was a way to distract from the hurt I dunno just throwing out ideas to try an help … just thinking maybe if you never let yourself mourn and hurt over the loss you might be stuck some where inside … I know this feeling … inside you have all these ideas and desires for change and getting stuff done but the mind body and heart just sits there frozen… maybe journal your feelings maybe it will lead you to what you’re really feeling inside which might lead to a good cry … not sure how to help… I’m in the same boat… so I hope it helps you to know you arent alone.
i will absolutely try that thing with a timer, that coluld totaly help.
and yeah you are probably right with that beakup too, beacause she was alwayls like i have to be succesful in whatever i was doing and i am thinking that i want to be great at school to idk somehow show her, that i can do it. Its still her and i want to move on so much but i just cant. Everytime i do anything even silghtly related to things that happend in our relationship i think of her. I still want to make her proud even theres no reason to, but i think thats the last thing that keeps me going even its more of going down.
its funny because i could just tell myself to stop it and start living again and i feel like i can do it, but hardest part is to keep doing it. There are those moments that i am proud of myself of what i did, but its always a while and then its rock bottom over again, even cleaning my stupid teeth, how simple, yet sometimes unimaginably hard thing to do.
Dont be hard on yourself I’m in the same boat. When you’re hurting when you’re depressed even brushing your teeth is hard I experience the same struggle.
For me I have no reason to wake up no reason to try. Sounds like hanging on to even a little part of her is what keeps you going. You will have to find other reasons. You sound like you are still young enough to experience a new relationship at some point … to get thru school and discover who you are thru a career … if you have your parents still maybe make them proud if you cant for yourself. Wish I had more to offer but I’m stuck in the same boat accept I’m older and the truth is sometimes painful to swallow. There is no starting over at my age. But I’m sure there is still plenty of time for you to experience new things. Hang in there… process your loss … let yourself feel angry sad … and find yourself again … just take small steps and eventually you will find yourself much further down the path then you thought … and on days where its hard to brush your teeth tell yourself you made it thru another day because sometimes just making it thru the day is all you got and it counts for something.
Try to keep track of any and all small victories. Anything that makes you happy throughout the day like your food tastes better than usual, your beer is at the exact temperature you like, you had a nice conversation with someone, or you tried a new studying technique (whether or not it worked) literally anything small that made you happy or grateful.
Those small victories can help fuel bigger ones later down the line. And doing something different is also huge. Like do things even if it’s slightly different: like going outside or changing up existing habits. Trying different beers you wouldn’t otherwise try. And I can’t promise that these experiences will be massively better, but I can promise they will be different. And that different will add up and you won’t be in the same place and the same person after a long enough time of different.
Thank you guys a lot, you dont even know what this means to me, finaly telling someone about this. I will try to find other reasons. I have my parents, and they were always proud of me and supported me in everything and they are the reason i am still here and i dont want to dissapoint them at all.
I am thinking that is it stupid to do sometthing just because of someone else? I dont know, but its like i cant find anything that i would love to do when noone wants me to do it. i had some of these things in past, but now its just apperciation of other people that makes me do something. I am just feeling so full and happy when someone else that i want to be happy is because of me.
Its to hard, but its never too late to try TreasureDoll. I will want a better life and i dont want to be like this anymore. There is always starting over and if i can do it, you can do it. We can even try together if you want. For me, telling someone what i accomplished today and them to be proud of me because of it is the best motivation ever.
I’ll always be here and be proud of you and TreasureDolls. <3
I woke up and this made me smile thank you both. Tomas I completely understand about dilemma you have.
For me and my life long abuse I was there for everyone else. To be whatever they wanted so they were happy. It was like I was a blank piece of paper and no one had yet written on me to tell me what I was. As an adult I found it difficult if I was not in a relationship. When I am close to someone and can mirror off them it feels like I have a sense of self without anyone I feel very lost and directionless and unmotivated.
I’m not sure about your up bringing but I get your struggle. One exercise they had me do in dbt was work on a list of all the things that made me me. Not things I picked or like because others did but things I knew were genuinely apart of me. It really helped to see the list and say yeah I’m more than just what I’m giving back or reflecting back.
Also you know how people can have a mental list of what they want from a partner? I kind of did that but with a twist. I decided I needed to have a relationship with me. So I made a list of the things I knew I brought to the relationship that is strong area and I wanted … example I put I’m very funny and bring comedy and humor into the relationship.
Then the other column I made a list of the things I want from a relationship that I’m not so strong in. I was careful how I worded so as to not beat myself up. Example I put I would like more stability and need to become stronger in that area.
My reasoning on this is that often times we get into relationships where other people kind of fill the holes in the things we lack. And really that can slide into unhealthy relationships… codependent. I figured how can I ask for someone else to bring stability if I’m not bringing that as well. Making that list helped me see the strong areas that I bring and also the things I want in a relationship that I am not so strong at and can work on. That way I’m not placing the sole attribute on to someone else.
Maybe something like might help you get a bigger picture of your strong points and other areas you would like to make stronger. That way you wont need any outside motivation or someone else to give you purpose because you already do that for yourself. And when someone else does cheer you on it’s like the cherry on the top.
One last I might suggest I dont think it would hurt… but maybe try the Myers Briggs test. I’m an ENFP and every site describes me to a T. They break things down by your personality type your strong areas … what careers are good how you operate in relationships ect… the things that inspire you or motivate you.
Maybe knowing your personality type and reading about might clue you in on things you can do to help motivate yourself kind of thing.
I hope those help. I know how it feels to feel like a boat out on the ocean sort of winging it but unsure of the destination or why I’m even going anywhere … hang in there. Take each day as it comes. Like Great Walrus said making a list of the small victories of each day helps too. You got this
You too!!! All of you will get big fucking huge from me if I ever meet you in person and big internet hugs right now!!
Hug back thank you all of you for sharing for advice for listening @Tomas I wish you much success and happiness
And I wish the same and more for all of you.!!! And one of the things that makes me happiest is empowering others.
The motto of US special forces is: “From an oppressed man, a free one” because they teach locals how to fight. A squad of 12 guys becomes an army of thousands because they give those thousands the tools to save themselves. And that’s what I hope to do. To share my tools, share whatever I have and give you guys the strength to save yourselves. Because the will is there; all you guys need is an encouraging words and some direction.
Wow thank you so much both. Your way with the list is really awesome idea, i might do that at all.
Well thanks to you guys, even i woke up on Sunday morning not even able to get out of my bed, i somehow told myself that you are suggesting now. I told myself that this is my life, that noone will do as much for me ever as iam doing for myself and even your support helped me a lot, like a so so so much, i have to kind of take it to my hands at most. So i dont really know how it happend, but i instantly got up, took a shower and then cleaned my room. And even i tought that is just enough for one day, i even did some stuff to school that i good grade for today. I cant even thank you enough guys. Thank you. I cant even tell where was this hiden for so long.
And TreasureDoll iam really really glad that you are making such progress in this and i am just hoping that it will get only better. You gave me so much good advices and you deserve only the best. Love you thanks
And thank you specialy to you too Warlus. Well maybe i am now just overy excited, but still its the most awesome fell i had in several months, so i cant even say how happy i am. Now its just about keep that attitude and go on. Thank you really much.
Hey I’m just happy I could help. being understood is the most wonderful feeling and I am glad you feel understood and cared for here.
And we’ll always be here when you stumble because everyone deserves to have people at their back that believe in them. You got this, bro. And please be back with any success stories. We would love to hear them!
@Tomas wow that is awesome I’m so happy for you way to take one step at a time and build some momentum. You are a rockstar you got this!
Myself today was honest with my therapist how low I am and how stuck. So shes gonna put me in an all day program that I think is a few months long and it helps you learn skills in how to stay in your body and hold on to your pain without it overwhelming you so you can keep moving forward.
It’s never easy to ask for help but I did and I dont like doing programs but my heart and mind is open to this because I truly want to move forward so I’ll do what it takes to feel solid ground under my feet again so I can get moving again.
Thank you for sharing your awesome success I’m proud and happy … you deserve a group hug. Keep at it we all believe in you and are here for you if you hit any bumps along the way.