Hi,
I really don’t know how to tell how I feel but believing to be a complete failure seem to fit the most.
I don’t want to make this long but I really don’t know what to do with my life at this point. I don’t really know how talented I really am since I feel like I’m not worthy of anything. I’d really like to be positive about this, but I just can’t keep thinking about everything I’ve ever started has failed miserably. I’ve always liked writing and my goal is to become a journalist (working in sports or fashion preferably) but I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I don’t feel good enough for anything actually. And for anyone.
I’ve founded the high school official magazine back in the days and have a few experiences in writing for a few fashion blogs. I’ve applied for a sports zine this time but I don’t really know. I don’t really know about the future, I feel like it’s going to be great for everyone except me. I don’t want to work 9-5 like everyone, everyone tells me I’m a great writer and all but I don’t feel that way. I don’t know about anything lately, and I don’t really know what to do. Future is haunting me and I don’t know what I’ll be and what I’ll do. I don’t need to be rich or something (it would be nice although), I just want to do something I’m really good at and be recognised for it.
Social life is hell. I can’t find a good date (can’t even find one). I’ve always been surrounded by girls but now it’s not like that. I’m so afraid to love others, or maybe I just can’t find anyone to fall in love with. Friends are always far from where I live, and since my life is mostly about studying and working I don’t have the energy to go out at night, especially alone. I feel incredibly alone and hopeless at this point. I don’t even know why I should be alive. I survived death many times by now (like really) and I don’t really see the point in all of this. I wish God would tell me, I don’t know give me a sign or something because I’m so tired. All I have is a bunch of dreams I keep having about how my future will be incredibly successful and all, but it’s the most unlikely thing to believe right now. I’ve always had this kind of dreams and every one of them has always turned out to be true sooner or later. I wish this would be the case but I just feel lonely and professionally unworthy.
Sorry for the long post/rant but my friends ain’t good at this kind of stuff and I just wanted an unbiased opinion.
There’s also something good in all of this: I gained 11kg and now I weigh 70kg. My body shape is not perfect but it’s mostly muscle and I feel great about this. I cannot even imagine myself as a skinny pale boy anymore. Since I’ve talked about the dreams before, my body is turning into what I’ve felt like I was in the dreams. This is kind of hard to explain correctly, but since I actually “live” these dreams in first person view, I have the image in my head of how I look like in the dreams (like age and everything). It’s also a strange feeling because I can actually touch things and feel them like I’m living the moment.
Second thing, work is great. I work for a famous mobile company and I’m almost always the best employee in the whole region. Pretty neat.
I’ve helped a couple of homeless people this month by paying for their lunch. Their thankfulness was something I’ve never experienced: they blessed me with all their blessings and their eyes were sparkling. Incredible experience. I spent like 10€. Two days after, I got 1000 as a gift. I honestly believe this is not a coincidence.
I’m currently trying to be as kind as possible with others and it’s worth it. It’s very hard but I feel like it’s a good thing to do. No one really understands but it feels good to be always smiling and gentle to others.
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