I never feel like I'm suffering "enough"

TW: mentions of self harm, suicide

I’ve recently gone through a bad breakup with my first serious long-term relationship. It made me feel worthless, unloveable, sad, and broken. I questioned who I was as a person, and if it was my fault. Everyone I talked to says that what he did was wrong, but everyone he talked to says that what I did was wrong. For a little context, my ex made some new friends online and became extremely close to them in a short amount of time. These are his only friends. I had no problem with them at the start but things started getting out of hand which I don’t want to specify too much. I explained to him how I feel (when you get a gut instinct, or a funny feeling, it sticks to you until you see for yourself), and I was reassured that everything was “platonic”… I later learned through my therapist that my idea of monogamy, which includes boundaries and my involvement with the person I am dating, is not shared with my ex. He left because of his mental health and worries about his career, which is reasonable, but it also sucks that he is bringing these new people into a new chapter of his life. It just feels like a betrayal.

I am upset that I lost who I thought was the love of my life. We had planned to get married, and we believed that we had a future together until things started falling apart. Initially I was crushed and completely devastated, considering self harm and suicide. The only thing that literally stopped me was when I told my sister what was going on and she hugged me. I thought I couldn’t do that to her, and the rest of my family too. I had my depression meds increased to help cope with how ridiculously low I was feeling everyday. Couldn’t sleep or eat at first, and now I can eat but my appetite has probably halved. Sleep is terrible.

It’s been almost a month since the breakup, and for a while I found ways to cope. It was the holiday season so I could spend time with my family, and went to gatherings. I connected with new people and my friends, but I still feel alone. With my ex, I always had someone to talk to. With friends, you wait a while and they can’t always be there. I’ve been doing a lot more art recently and just found some things to fill the space, but I’m starting to feel that low feeling seeping through.

I called this post I never feel like I’m suffering “enough”. To me it doesn’t seem like people don’t understand how horrible I actually feel most of the time. I’m not hysterically crying or angry, and I try to be cheerful or neutral around my family. I don’t want people to be under the impression that I’m over it and I’m fine because I’m not, and I’m still very sensitive to a LOT of triggers. It makes me fearful of having to deal with college and appear “normal” like everyone else. I’m afraid of socializing with new people and I’m afraid of finding someone new to be in a relationship with and be intimate with. I guess I’m just unsure of what to do now, since I thought my coping mechanisms of talking to friends and doing my hobbies aren’t exactly effective. I’m scared to feel low again, and I don’t want to break down again. Sometimes he messages me and at first I was okay with it, but after talking to my therapist I start getting anxiety talking to him. We ended on a “good note” at the time, saying that maybe we could be friends in the future depending on how he feels. It’s weird and I’m going to be honest: I like having a connection with him and I am scared of how I will feel if he deletes or blocks me. We have deleted and blocked each other on most social media except for one chat app. I haven’t been replying to his messages though but we’ve established that that’s fine. I don’t know.

And that brings me here. I feel a little bit better typing this out but it’s the fact that I know everyday is a new day, with new opportunities and different experiences. I just want to feel ready and stable again, but it’s been years since I was single so I am scared of navigating everything when everything reminds me of him. I just don’t know what to do anymore since it feels like I’m on an endless loop of extreme emotions. Sometimes I’m okay and can cope, and sometimes, like right now, I feel low and I’m really fighting myself to not go any lower (I guess by emotionally self-harming). I have never physically self-harmed nor attempted suicide but I have had thoughts, which were intensified immediately after the breakup. I don’t see myself doing it, but it feels like another reason why my problems never seem as serious or “heavy” to most people. It’s like they see me carrying a huge weight and they know it must be awful for me, but in the end it’s not them carrying the huge weight… if that makes sense.

Anyways, I hope this isn’t too long and I hope I didn’t break any rules throughout this post. I’m looking forward to hearing from yall, hopefully make some new friends if that’s a thing here :slight_smile:


I’m also someone who finds the end of relationships hard. You put so much of yourself into it and they know so much about you, so it’s understandable that it hurts.
Every day may bring a different kind of emotion with it just like going through stages of grief- they aren’t one then the next and so on, they come and go in waves.
Totally get the friends thing. They can’t be there all the time and maybe you need to have yourself a sleep over or something? I know that sounds really lame, but sometimes just having the company there helps a bit.
Do you feel having communication with him is helping you or having a negative effect on how you feel?


Hi! The way it is that your family can’t realise how much you are suffering, and the way you descibed it is the exact same way with me. Also, making new freinds is a thing here, and I almost cried when I read about your sister hugged you because it reminded me of me and my sister and …


To be honest gloomie, I’ve been feeling similar for the past couple years regarding my last breakup! To start with, it can be hard to hear others supporting the person who hurt you, but in a lot of break-ups there is no right or wrong. It simply didn’t end up working out, and that hurts everybody. I know the pain and struggle to find yourself again after being part of someone else for so long, but you’re in there and you’ll find your way back. After it happened, people in my life didn’t see me suffering either. Putting on that mask to seem normal is helpful in some situations, but it also leads to everyone thinking you’re completely okay when you really need support. Try to find someone or somewhere you can be open about how you’re doing so you have somewhere to get that support. Even online like this can help! Remember to recover yourself before trying to add someone else to your life.

No matter what difficulties you go through, it is always “enough” to seek help or comfort etc. If I was stabbed in the leg, and another person had theirs cut off, it doesn’t mean I’m not hurting or I don’t need help. My hurt is important too, and so is yours.


Does he still love you?

First off, welcome to Hears Support! You came to the right place.

You are not overreacting to losing your first LTR. You’ve suffered a loss, almost as if he’s died, only in some ways worse because people are taking sides and he’s essentially haunting you every time he messages you, even if you don’t respond.

Take time to process your grief over this loss. Take it a day at a time. Don’t try to shove the pain down or numb it with substances or escapist activities, or you’ll just have to deal with it later. It WILL get better, whether it’s in a few months or more than a year. In the meantime, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’re still hurting or why you’re not over him yet, and you don’t need to beat yourself up for not being “better.”

You can experience and express your pain however you see fit. A lot of us paint on smiles and go about our days like nothing is wrong, and we also think our problems aren’t “big enough” because we’re not openly talking about suicide or self-harm or not being able to get out of bed. My advice would be to keep functioning the best you can, because allowing the depression to overwhelm your routine can make it harder to come back. At least if you’re going to work or whatever, even if you’re in a shitty mood, our head is above water for part of the day.

You don’t need to go through this alone either. Like @anon58690617 said, find friends or family you can confide in, who you’re comfortable just being sad around. We all need someone to lean on from time to time. Sometimes we just need to be sad, and that’s okay. Hold fast friend.


I suppose it’s been really hard for me to reach out to friends and be with them in-person right now. Maybe I’m not ready to socialize, it feels tiring just thinking about it or the idea of committing to a plan…

I think the communication is ok sometimes but it’s hard since I miss him and wish we could still work things out. I think we’re at that point where it’s not really normal for us to be talking about our feelings anymore. Maybe it would be better if I cut him off completely, but I’m just scared to do it.

I totally agree with what you said! especially about recovering before introducing someone new to my life. I’m okay with being single, but in the long run I do have a fear of being alone/dying alone etc… I’m scared I won’t find another person I can be totally comfortable with, since it felt like we were “soul mates”. I really appreciate the kind words!


I think he does and I think he’s trying to “unlove” me. It’s strange, since it feels like he’s becoming a completely different person even before the breakup. I don’t want to think he’s been unfaithful or wanted to be in a relationship with someone else but so many people have suggested that. idk. I’m probably just overthinking.

1 Like

Thank you, your words are very comforting! I feel very lucky that I found this forum, mental health support and friendship is a little hard to come by where I’m from but the internet has its pros :slight_smile:


This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.