TW: mentions of self harm, suicide
I’ve recently gone through a bad breakup with my first serious long-term relationship. It made me feel worthless, unloveable, sad, and broken. I questioned who I was as a person, and if it was my fault. Everyone I talked to says that what he did was wrong, but everyone he talked to says that what I did was wrong. For a little context, my ex made some new friends online and became extremely close to them in a short amount of time. These are his only friends. I had no problem with them at the start but things started getting out of hand which I don’t want to specify too much. I explained to him how I feel (when you get a gut instinct, or a funny feeling, it sticks to you until you see for yourself), and I was reassured that everything was “platonic”… I later learned through my therapist that my idea of monogamy, which includes boundaries and my involvement with the person I am dating, is not shared with my ex. He left because of his mental health and worries about his career, which is reasonable, but it also sucks that he is bringing these new people into a new chapter of his life. It just feels like a betrayal.
I am upset that I lost who I thought was the love of my life. We had planned to get married, and we believed that we had a future together until things started falling apart. Initially I was crushed and completely devastated, considering self harm and suicide. The only thing that literally stopped me was when I told my sister what was going on and she hugged me. I thought I couldn’t do that to her, and the rest of my family too. I had my depression meds increased to help cope with how ridiculously low I was feeling everyday. Couldn’t sleep or eat at first, and now I can eat but my appetite has probably halved. Sleep is terrible.
It’s been almost a month since the breakup, and for a while I found ways to cope. It was the holiday season so I could spend time with my family, and went to gatherings. I connected with new people and my friends, but I still feel alone. With my ex, I always had someone to talk to. With friends, you wait a while and they can’t always be there. I’ve been doing a lot more art recently and just found some things to fill the space, but I’m starting to feel that low feeling seeping through.
I called this post I never feel like I’m suffering “enough”. To me it doesn’t seem like people don’t understand how horrible I actually feel most of the time. I’m not hysterically crying or angry, and I try to be cheerful or neutral around my family. I don’t want people to be under the impression that I’m over it and I’m fine because I’m not, and I’m still very sensitive to a LOT of triggers. It makes me fearful of having to deal with college and appear “normal” like everyone else. I’m afraid of socializing with new people and I’m afraid of finding someone new to be in a relationship with and be intimate with. I guess I’m just unsure of what to do now, since I thought my coping mechanisms of talking to friends and doing my hobbies aren’t exactly effective. I’m scared to feel low again, and I don’t want to break down again. Sometimes he messages me and at first I was okay with it, but after talking to my therapist I start getting anxiety talking to him. We ended on a “good note” at the time, saying that maybe we could be friends in the future depending on how he feels. It’s weird and I’m going to be honest: I like having a connection with him and I am scared of how I will feel if he deletes or blocks me. We have deleted and blocked each other on most social media except for one chat app. I haven’t been replying to his messages though but we’ve established that that’s fine. I don’t know.
And that brings me here. I feel a little bit better typing this out but it’s the fact that I know everyday is a new day, with new opportunities and different experiences. I just want to feel ready and stable again, but it’s been years since I was single so I am scared of navigating everything when everything reminds me of him. I just don’t know what to do anymore since it feels like I’m on an endless loop of extreme emotions. Sometimes I’m okay and can cope, and sometimes, like right now, I feel low and I’m really fighting myself to not go any lower (I guess by emotionally self-harming). I have never physically self-harmed nor attempted suicide but I have had thoughts, which were intensified immediately after the breakup. I don’t see myself doing it, but it feels like another reason why my problems never seem as serious or “heavy” to most people. It’s like they see me carrying a huge weight and they know it must be awful for me, but in the end it’s not them carrying the huge weight… if that makes sense.
Anyways, I hope this isn’t too long and I hope I didn’t break any rules throughout this post. I’m looking forward to hearing from yall, hopefully make some new friends if that’s a thing here 