My parents are emotinally abusive, verbally aggresive, and our relationship in general is very hectic, unpredictable its going on a rollaer costar blindfolded but its not a normal roller costar it tricks you from staying steady, still, postive, to suddenly no warning caving into the earth with rocks jagged up at every turn that has negativity, insults, manipulation, self doubt to curving up and down and not getting a break kind of like a road but it has potholes every 5 seconds i used to want a healthy relashionship with my parents and i still do because those weeks, days, where it feels like we are a family are precious and its a feeling i wish we had consisintly but unfortunately most of the time me and my familys relashionship is very negative not just me and them but the family dynamic my parents marriage is very unhealhty and its toxic i noticed that from a young age the yelling, threats, crying, the controlling and everything else then there are my brothers who are also verbally and phsyicallly aggresive its in better terms dysfunction i my self arent exempt from that in the past couple years I have been dealing with impulse control, aggresion, anxiety, depression, many mental health disorders, health issues the past 3 or so years I have been in 4 php prgrams [ out paintent hospitalization] 1 mental hoaptial and too many er visits to count. Countless therapists from a young age [we never stayed with one therapist i constatly had new ones] our relashionship got really bad around the time i aged into a pre teen from there it hasent heen the same sure we have those weeks, months maybe of a sane and healthy relashionship but almost always its a front because in these times you never knew what thing could set either person off other times it was filled with degrading, yelling, shouts, threats.
Ive been in group therapy, indvidual therapy alot and for a while but looking back i noticed that I had tried communicating with them my triggers, my warning signs. Ive even tried to set boundries with my parents but its never worked because i was the only one putting in the effort often times they would argue back, ignore it or keep going when im trying to communicate how they are making me feel. Im truly am trying to not let those countless hours of therapy not go to waste but ive realzied that they arent willing to communicate with me, respect my boundries, my triggers, my warning signs time and time again ive tried to sit them down but it sadly turns into them manipulatinting me saying stuff like “oh but you have never improved” “you dont use your coping skills!” That among other stuff it used and still makes me feel as if it was all not worth it that ill always be like this, that im evil, cruel, my biggest fear was that i was a bad person, a evil soul and that i would grow up to die alone with noone. I still fear it even though i know the cause of the fear where the insults and ideas my mom implanted in my head.
I know that if things stay as is that it could lead to very bad results right now my parents sre just emotionally and verbally aggresive but recently their behavior has changed and if it keeps going i dont think id want to know. That and i can tell its taking its toll on me, my mental health, ect and other stuff I still have to leaglly live with them for 4 or 5 years.
I know that if they arent willing to actually crooprate that i need to take it in my own hands. My goals are to
︎use coping skills right at the moment
︎use my grounding techniques
︎dont be as emotianlly reactive to them
My coping skills are
☆ breathing exercises
☆ thinking “how would this affect me and whay are rhe negative outcomes” [most of the time it ends in a truamtuc way]
☆ walking away
☆ sitting outside
☆ petting my animals [i would NEVER EVER NEVER hurt any animals i love them and even if i cant control my anger i still would never hurt them they are able to take me out of my deepest spirals. People hurting animals cause me to have a very bad panic attack]
^ these coping skills help but often times in my situation i switch moods fast and i forget to use these i need to find coping skills that can help me right in that moment because im only foucsed on anger.
I still need to stick to this goal and formulate a more steady plan but it will hopefully be good for now i know ill have an issue sticking to this but i really am determainrd to improve my situation because ive felt to much anger and ive cried too much.
- something else ive been here since what 2020? Maybe 2021? I forgot but heartsupport has helped me so much and im so increadibly grestfull for everyone here this community is so supporitve, understanding and loving you guys have helped me trough so much and I dont think i can thank yall enough