I have been struggling a lot with my depression and anxiety over the past months and on top of that I now at 26 years old have finally admitted to myself that I identify as bisexual. This brings a lot of mixed emotions for me that are so overwhelming right now. I grew up in a conservative evangelical christian house and was always taught that any form of homosexuality is bad. I started deconstructing my faith years ago and came to the conclusion for myself that there is nothing at all wrong with it, quite the opposite, love should be celebrated in any form. I have friends in the LGBTQ+ community that I adore and not in a million years would I even consider seeing them as worth any less because of their sexuality. But for some reason now, when it comes to myself I can’t see myself that way and I don’t know why. Maybe its because I know I could never tell my family or pretty much anyone in the community I grew up in. I don’t have a great relationship with my parents to begin with but if they knew I don’t even want to imagine what their reaction would be. I want to be able to embrace and love this part of myself and yet my mind keeps telling me over and over again that I should be ashamed and that it is something that needs to be fixed and that no one could ever love me for who I am. I’m so scared to tell anyone but at the same time am dying to talk about it and not carry everything I’m feeling by myself right now.
Welcome to the community! I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for your trust and for sharing with us what’s going on in your life.
Wow, this is absolutely amazing. What a great and courageous step! It is so hard to find your own values and to speak up for yourself, when this is so much in contrast to the disordered belief system you grew up with. These beliefs can be a huge obstacle to detaching your worth from your sexuality. In our early years, we have to do everything to sustain the connection to our primary caregiver in order to survive. This includes giving up all parts of us and adapting a false self to protect the attachment. While I cannot relate to the exact same context, I know what it feels like to take life decisions that are in stark contrast to your family’s values. It is hard not to question yourself over and over, whereas it is so much easier to see in others. For me, personally, the reason is that I only see myself through the lens of my childhood experiences, but I see others for who they truly are.
We internalize the beliefs of our family and along with it the shame for not being the way they want us to be. It is so painful because as babies it’s either attachment or death. That’s why it is so hard to stand up against it. However, this can be overcome. Since you mentioned that you’re struggling with depression and anxiety, may I ask if you’re seeing a therapist? I think this could be a supportive element in your life.
I’d love to hear from you again. Sending you hugs and much love.
I’d love to echo what blini has said, that you are so loved and so brave for talking about this even when it has brought up so much hurt for you.
Like @blini mentioned, at times we grow up with instilled beliefs or values and those vary depending on different religions or cultures.
When you experience first hand how the people around you respond or treat people based on their sexuality, gender, race ect, it’s so incredibly hard to open up the conversation as they tend to jump on the defence mode.
At the end of the day we are all people who need love and support and that really should be the end of the story. It’s so hard to fathom that there is so much stigma attached to those who are perceived to go against the instilled beliefs. We tend to try to either minimise it as just a phase or we try to explain why there is something wrong with us, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with who you are.
I hope that blini’s suggestions and thoughts and maybe some of these will help you in this time.
Hi @blini , thank you so much for your lovely encouraging words! I used to see a therapist but since I moved countries I can’t afford it anymore so sadly I can’t see anyone right now which really has been having an effect on my mental health. I know I have some great friends I can open up to about specifically me being bisexual but at the moment I still struggle with even saying it out loud. On one hand it feels so right and freeing to identify with this label but at the same time I struggle with everything I mentioned above.
@Bimini Thank you so much for validating how I’m feeling, this means so much to me!
Please feel free any time to let us know how you’re going and if you need some support