5 years back, I got in highschool and was put in a new class, I couldn’t make any friends or have anyone to talk to. I am now in second year of uni and it has been the same for the last 5 years. I made some friends but they would avoid being with me outside or want to talk to me when they would have no one else. I was always picked last, and teachers would force classmates to put me in a group for any workshop. Sometimes the repulsion was so hard that I would have to be alone in my own group. I also never had the chance to talk to a girl unless she needed something from me like help for math or help to set up something, and same for boys. I once had a friend for a week, but he told me he left me because I was a terrible person and that I should not exist for being like that. I started to cut my wrists because I couldn’t bear the pain in my head of being such a human trashcan
I got depressed before my graduation 2 years ago, and passed with a 11 out of 20. I thought that everything would change in college.
I got in college, and people would not engage the conversation with me, so I would eat lunch alone like for the past 3 years, looking at the void. And I would keep everything for myself and never tell my parents. I started to get addicted to video games and people would still not like to play with me. They would go invisible and play without me, or tell me the group was full when they was space still, or just avoid me or not engage in any conversation. I since have a really bad sleeping habit, and I dont find any way of being happy in any way, I only find anger or hate.
For the past few weeks, I played alone in my room at video games all day. No one would want to play with me, someone would say that he was busy and he would join another friend, or just turn invisible… I deleted my social media accounts because no one would even care and no one did indeed.
I am in my bed, crying with no will to live and I am trying to figure out a way to kill myself in my car, and to not survive paralyzed.
I have this ball in my stomach whenever I breath or live. And I just feel like ending it all