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I realize now why I no one wants to ever talk to me

5 years back, I got in highschool and was put in a new class, I couldn’t make any friends or have anyone to talk to. I am now in second year of uni and it has been the same for the last 5 years. I made some friends but they would avoid being with me outside or want to talk to me when they would have no one else. I was always picked last, and teachers would force classmates to put me in a group for any workshop. Sometimes the repulsion was so hard that I would have to be alone in my own group. I also never had the chance to talk to a girl unless she needed something from me like help for math or help to set up something, and same for boys. I once had a friend for a week, but he told me he left me because I was a terrible person and that I should not exist for being like that. I started to cut my wrists because I couldn’t bear the pain in my head of being such a human trashcan

I got depressed before my graduation 2 years ago, and passed with a 11 out of 20. I thought that everything would change in college.

I got in college, and people would not engage the conversation with me, so I would eat lunch alone like for the past 3 years, looking at the void. And I would keep everything for myself and never tell my parents. I started to get addicted to video games and people would still not like to play with me. They would go invisible and play without me, or tell me the group was full when they was space still, or just avoid me or not engage in any conversation. I since have a really bad sleeping habit, and I dont find any way of being happy in any way, I only find anger or hate.

For the past few weeks, I played alone in my room at video games all day. No one would want to play with me, someone would say that he was busy and he would join another friend, or just turn invisible… I deleted my social media accounts because no one would even care and no one did indeed.

I am in my bed, crying with no will to live and I am trying to figure out a way to kill myself in my car, and to not survive paralyzed.
I have this ball in my stomach whenever I breath or live. And I just feel like ending it all

Dean, I’ve been living with depression for many years. It sucks. There have been plenty of times that I was right there where you are. I always manage to keep-on, keeping-on. Sometimes it helps me to just try to make someone else’s life a bit better. I smile and say thank you at the drive thru. I compliment a random stranger. I grab an extra box of cookies at the store, and hand them to the homeless guy. I know that it sounds stupid, but we are each here to make a difference. Who knows, that random act of kindness, might just make that person’s day…and yours.

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Dear dean

I’m sorry for what you had gone through man. Human being sucks and it bummer that people are willing to isolation other people like that. I went through same in high school and some people don’t grow in college. Self harm is very brutal addition and it a lot to over come it.

But you are worth something, and self harming is something that can be over come. It awesome you close come on here. There plenty of people are here to help you and they book you can get here like rewrite that can help you in recovery.

You are worth something my friend and their is hope for you!!

I always give and I also tend to wait for something in return, I never or ever get anything in return or sometimes just a flip off, it happened to me everytime.

Dean, the world is full of broken people. Don’t look to others for recognition. Continue to be a good person, and maybe together, we can make the world brighter.