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I Really Don't Know What To Do

Hi. Anyone who is willing to listen…
I was suicidal for a very long time, and cutting myself was an addiction that took a lot of time to overcome. It’s been a while since I’ve thought about either. My life is a mess. I’m a disappointment, I fail at everything, and honestly, I think my life is a mistake. All I do is fuck up. No matter what I try, it’s always wrong. My family hates me, my sisters don’t even want anything to do with me, and my parents forbid me from talking to my best friend. Every time I try to get help, or I find temporary happiness, my sisters watch my every move, and then go tell me parents. My parents are strict. I’ve gotten in trouble for talking to guys, for taking phones, and cussing. My parents have whipped me, watched me, forced me to hang out with my family, tried talking and yelling at me. It doesn’t affect me. Why? Because I’ve been getting criticized my whole life, and I finally stopped giving a shit. My parents and siblings beat me down, but I think what I do isn’t wrong, if it helps me cope. They hate that. Eventually, my parents realized if they continue to punish me, I will run away. So they started trying to force a relationship between my sisters and I. It won’t work. They hate me, and every time I try to apologize, they tell me to shut up. I know what I do hurts them, but I say things when I’m pissed off by them and they hear it and call me a snake. They’ve forgiven me, but I’ve messed up again, and to be honest, I want to cut myself again. I have nowhere to go, and my parents have even now forbid me to workout. They know how important exercise is for me. I don’t allow myself to eat anymore, and I just want to die already. They hate me, I can live with that, but now they wont even talk to me. I dont need them to survive, but I know at the end of the day, I was wrong. How do I fix our relationship if they wont even listen to me?

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Sounds like you have a toxic family. Are you old enough to separate yourself?

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Im 16… So I really don’t know. I’ve thought about it. A lot.

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My friend was in a very toxic environment when he was your age. I’m not sure the name of the program he was in but they helped him off his feet to become independent.

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Hi @confused.04. Wow, I’m 16 too and my parents (mainly my dad) is extremely strict too.

Let me say, You are not a disappointment. You feel guilty, you know you are wrong, and you try to apologize. You try. How is that disappointing?
What you may do hurts them, but they also hurt you. Give them some time. I hope you find a way to talk to your best friend again. Sometimes in relationships, once you’ve done all you can to fix it, you have to wait until the other is ready. Hold on there. You’re not alone. Take care of yourself. Remember, everyone is flawed. Your parents do not know everything, and your sisters are missing out. But unlike them, work on yourself and take care of yourself. Don’t give up on yourself. Your best friend would be sad. One day, you will be able to choose your own path so hang in there.

Recommend listening to this when you feel down —> Saviour - Black Veil Brides

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Thank you so much, Really.

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