What do you do when you told someone to kys and then told a death threat to someone else for fun years ago but wasn’t mature enough to apologize until 4 years passed but when you apologized you failed miserably because you were afraid to commit to the apology because of the fear of sounding insensitive on accident but then decide to do it 6 months later for some reason and fail harder because you were too late. Then you fully apologize to the person you told the death threat to because you didn’t want it to end up like the other one because you want to atone but they don’t accept it because you decided 4 years later than take action immediately then you respect it but feel like you have a lot to fix still with both people.
what do i even do? I been feeling this for months and I really want to do something but I don’t know, I don’t want to repeat my mistakes.
Thanks a lot for reaching out about this, and welcome in this community. I bet that it wasn’t comfortable to put this into words, especially to share it with total strangers. When we’re aware that we’ve made a mistake, guilt and shame can become so overwhelming. I’m glad you didn’t let it win, that you’ve decided to open up and not stay alone with this.
I don’t want to repeat my mistakes.
Given what you have shared here, I would think that it is unlikely that you would repeat these mistakes. First because you are very aware of the fact that it wasn’t something right to do, and that it was at the time the reflection of some lack of emotional maturity. Secondly because you are also very aware that this is something that has affected those people negatively, so you feel for them too. Finally, because you’ve apologized. That alone shows how much you’re in a different mindset, see what happened differently – this time with empathy. It really is a strong action to say sorry, to say “I was wrong”. Not everyone does that. Actually, oftentimes people don’t, whether because they’re too ashamed or too proud. Talking to these people and asking for their forgiveness was a strong decision, and I truly applaud you for that.
Of course, this is a brutal lesson of humility. I totally understand that it must be heartbreaking for you to not receive this forgiveness while it took you a lot of energy and courage to get to the point of presenting your apologies. Unfortunately, the decision of forgiveness is not something you can force. Whether these people forgive you or not is their decision, something they own, and the fact that you gave them the possibility to decide either way and let you know was already a way to help them find some closure. On your end, you may have to learn to find closure in forgiving yourself, and working on the shame it makes you feel, as it seems unlikely to come from these people in particular.
You don’t suck. You’re not a bad person. You’re a human being, and humans do make mistakes. We’re imperfect by definition. What matters though, is that we learn from our mistakes, especially because that is what will help us not repeat them. I would like to encourage you to ask yourself: what have you learned in this situation? What are the “takeaways” that could you keep with you in the future, so that you don’t do the same. Reading your post, I’d already see three things:
It’s not okay to tell someone to kill themselves, or to send death threats – no matter what was the reason behind.
When we’ve hurt someone, it is generally better to try to apologize as soon as we can – without overwhelming the other person of course, because it is about their hurt, not ours.
You are not defined by your mistakes. However, there is accountability to find in facing them, and choosing to learn from them. It’s when we refuse to acknowledge the fact that we have hurt someone, that we’re actually likely to perpetuate the same story, over and over.
I may not know you personally, but I have absolutely no doubt of this. It is obvious through your words how much you care and have a good heart. I believe in you, and if you need to talk you can always reach out here. <3 @endingend4
Hi endingend4,
thank you for reaching out, welcome to Heart Support.
you seem to learned from that, that should tell everything you need. not many people would commite that what you
did or even apologize to the people they spoken with.
i personally think this is a huge step towards into the right direction.
it was definetely ok to do it, to harm others with words, to threaten people or anything like that, no one in the world
has a right to do that.
but you are in control of what you do, and not how others respond to it. you have realized that this was not ok,
you tried to apologize, ( not many people would do that ) that is huge.
forgive yourself, you try and you will be better in the future. that is human. one step a time is all that is needed.
you are loved and you will do great ! i am sure. try not to overwhelm you with self doubt or anything like that.
feel hugged my friend
Hi Friend, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for posting! I’m sorry your apologies have not been accepted and I feel like since that has been the case, it might be a good idea to leave it alone. You’ve tried to apologize the best you could and I believe you were sincere, but you can’t make them accept your apology. This might be a case of accepting the reality that they aren’t going to accept apologies. I’ve hurt people too who would never accept my apology even if I tried, so I just have to have remorse for what I did and move on. It’s a hard thing to do, but sometimes its necessary. You matter! ~Mystrose
Hi Friend, Welcome to Heartsupport, I’m Lisa, its good to meet you. I see you have a lot going on in your heart and mind and I can understand why, that was pretty heavy stuff back then wasnt it? You did the hard part though, you built up the courage and you appologized to them for what you said and as long as you meant it then I think that is all you can do, whether they choose to accept that is up to them but you cannot force it. You have said you are sorry to both, you feel remorse and I think you have accepted there will probably be no going back in those friendships but your life is still moving forward and now you need to forgive yourself and move on, make new friends and learn from it. We all learn from our past. I hope you can do that. take care Lisa. x
endingend4, I’m glad you came to Heart Support. I hope you find that this is a safe place to talk about what is going on. What you have shared has taken courage. It’s a huge step forward in acknowledging and accepting responsibility for what you said 4 years ago. That’s a big step forward for you. We can see how sincerely you regret what you said to both people. It took a lot of bravery to step forward and apologize to each of them. That said, even though we can feel remorse and can apologize, they don’t have to accept it nor can we make them forgive us. It’s a hard fact of life to live with but that doesn’ t mean that you have to live with self condemnation the rest of your life. You can take what you have learned from this and not repeat this mistakes. First, is not saying these things to begin with. Second, is apologize as soon as you realize you have said something hurtful. But if someone chooses to hang on to their anger, that is out of your control. Forgive yourself, accept the fact that they are still angry and let them be. It’s hard to do and it’s tough to feel, but it’s the way to move forward. You do not suck. You’re simply human, like the rest of us. You matter and you are loved.
Welcome to heart support, I’m really proud of you for opening up about this, this particular topic really touched my heart.
When I was younger I used to be very active online and had these people I became friends with. I got into this fight with one of them and the next thing you know I got spammed with messages from their friends containing the same content you’ve shared.
The only way I could find reprieve and to let it all go was to delete everything, block everyone and to never contact them again.
This doesn’t mean that this person and their friends will forever play the villain in my mind, it was just something that happened.
On the flip side I’ve had a friend tell me I was a terrible friend and to never contact them again. I went through so many emotions of anger, regret and guilt.
That same guilt that made me want to reach out and apologise.
One thing I’ve had to realise was that in the same way I blocked everyone from contacting me when that situation happened, this person was also asking for space. They were asking for boundaries and it wasn’t my responsibility to cross that boundary and demand they listen to my apology. In fact, doing so would probably have caused more harm than good.
But being on the other side of this whole situation made me feel helpless. Because I could rectify the wrong things that happened and because I couldn’t show them how I would change.
As hard as it may be, sometimes we have to accept that we can’t always fix something we’ve done wrong, but we can try to do better.
You know the impact those words hold now, so you know that’s not something you want to make others feel.
You know now that leaving things unresolved means that the window to resolve them gets smaller.
They aren’t comfortable lessons, and unfortunately not all life lessons are comfortable.
I think maybe it’s time you forgave yourself. When those thoughts or memories come to play to remind you, tell them “I know, but I’m not that person anymore”.
It’s evident by the way you’re feeling that you’ve grown.
I bet that it wasn’t comfortable to put this into words, especially to share it with total strangers. When we’re aware that we’ve made a mistake, guilt and shame can become so overwhelming. I’m glad you didn’t let it win, that you’ve decided to open up and not stay alone with this.