I’ve had a pretty good day, actually. Lots of fun, smiles and laughter. But at some point, my good mood just disappeared. There was no visible trigger or anything, I just felt really bad all of a sudden. Tears were coming into my eyes, and bad thoughts creeped in too. All I could think of, was how bad I wanted to die right there and then. I still feel super bad, and I still wanna end it all badly. But I’m also confused, where all this comes from, all of a sudden?
Hey friend,
Do you think the fact that you actually had a good day with “lots of fun, smiles and laughter” could be a kind of trigger? Just an open question.
Personally, when I really have a good moment, especially with people I love, I tend to be very depressed when the day is over (or about to be over) - like crying spells and feeling a kind of deep pain - because I already miss this good time and I feel like I’m just facing some deep loneliness again. Sometimes it also feels like I’m just drained by feeling so much life at once, especially if I’m not used to see people, interact or just have fun on a regular basis anymore. It’s like learning to regulate my emotions again, by smiling, laughing, having good moments more often, but also to learn to take care of myself when the day’s over.
I don’t know if this could be of any help. But I do believe that sometimes positive emotions can be “triggering” in the sense that we need some time to get used to it again, especially if you’re experiencing depression. It can be disturbing to experience a huge gap between how we feel on most days and the positive intensity some other days, if that makes sense.
Tomorrow’s another day, friend. I hope you don’t blame yourself for having those thoughts. You’re only human, and sometimes it’s hard to navigate between so many different emotions. Cherish in your heart all the memories you just created today! It sounds that this was a good day to you and that’s something to celebrate.
What could you do to take care of yourself right now, to focus on something you like? 
This moment will pass, without any doubt. These thoughts will go away, even if it’s really frustrating to deal with it. You’re not alone. 
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All I wanna do right now, is sit in bed and just… I don’t know, listen to music. But today is also my friends birthday, we wanted to have a sleepover and I am scared I’ll ruin everything by saying I won’t stay over night.
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I understand. You wouldn’t ruin everything though. You friends love you whether you feel comfortable to sleep there or at your home. Every choice is okay in your situation.
Do they know a little about your current struggles, with suicidal thoughts for example? So maybe they could understand what’s going on and support you.
Otherwise, what your heart tells you to do right now: sleepover or being on your own? It sounds that being with your friends and keep having a good moment could be great, including for you. If you think you could have a good moment there, I can only encourage you to try to push back those thoughts telling you to be on your own, and to try to stay with your friends. Maybe you could even agree with them to try for an hour and see how it goes.
I talked to my parents about it, and we agreed that I will try to stay for an hour or so at my friends house and then go home again. I honestly do not feel, like staying anywhere right now, for longer than a short amount of time.
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It’s good that you talked with your parents. And your decision sounds to be a good compromise. As long as you stay comfortable.
I hope this will be a good moment with your friends. And in any case, here if you need to discuss.