I love people, all the friends I’ve ever made, I’ve loved them all very much. Yet I have no one. Even when I tell them about my issues with people leaving me or not talking to me anymore, no one will reach out to me first. I always have to start every conversation with everyone no matter who. It could be with an acquaintance, or with a friend who claims to love and cherish me. They all forget about me in a matter of weeks once I use up all my energy reaching out to ppl and cant keep doing it anymore. Not one person has even checked on me in the past couple months, not even a hello. I’m just not worth keeping around. I’m not good enough for people’s love, respect or companionship. I know I dont deserve it but I cant help how I feel. I’m affectionate, caring and loving and it feels like literal torture knowing I can never get close to anyone anymore because they will just forget about me. Especially these days when I can meet new people online in a matter of seconds. All these wonderful people i wanna give my love and care to. Yet i know i cant reach out anymore because the pain of being forgotten hurts more than being alone. I wish i could just die already so I’d never be a bother to anyone ever again, and my suffering will finally end as well. Never have to feel the throbbing wrenching pain in my chest seeing someone online or in real life who i want to reach out to and befriend, but have to physically and emotionally restrain myself because of the preemptive fear of being forgotten again. I really wanna be with people, but I feel paralyzing fear and hurt at the idea. I wanna be alone forever and never bother anyone else ever again, but I cant help feeling like I wanna give my love and affection to people. So I suffer having known people and lost them, and I suffer keeping away from new people because I desperately want to know what love feels like again. Not romantic love particularly, but the love from someone thinking about you at least once you know? I know I dont deserve it but I cant help but want it even if its selfish of me. Ik I’m not worth people’s time, let alone their love, but I cant help my selfishness. All I can say is I’m sorry. Sorry for being a waste. Sorry for not being good enough no matter how hard I try. Sorry for being a nuisance. Also sorry for wasting your time with my ramblings, I dont deserve your help. Please help anyone else, they deserve it way more than me. I want only the best for them, spend ur time saving them instead of reading the ramblings of a selfish drama queen.
First you are not a waste of time, you are not a bother. If those people doesnt know how to appreciate people or they couldnt have seen the great person you are, that they problems not yours. You are a good person, and I am sad that you are having those thought, sometimes I have the thought of that I am bother and because of people left me I am afraid of meeting new people too.
But for what I am learning and with the help of people around me and with HeartSupport community is that I have to move on, the past is in the past,I cant change it but I cant stay there, because if I stay I cant prove myself that I am worth of love and that I am not a burden.
So my advice for you, is move on, I know that isnt easy but you have to get over those people that didnt see your worth and little by little give those new people the opportunity to see how amaizing you are, there would be more people that will go Sadly but I am sure that you will found the right people that wont leave you and would see you your worth.
You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be happy and you are not a burden. I hope that what I have say to you, could help you even it is a little bit. Take a great care
I really appreciate your kind words, I’m not used to being called such nice things, even tho I disagree with the good things you said about me I still really appreciate it. I still dont feel particularly good about meeting new people still but, idk. Maybe I’ll at least try hiding less
Hi friend it’s been a week since you posted this and I am just checking in on you to see how you are doing. I hope that you are feeling a little better today. I know the weekend just past. Hope it treated you well .Sending you love.