My sister’s Bachelorette Party was this weekend. I was all pumped to go. But as I was driving there, I started painfully feeling the regret of not being a bridesmaid. Ultimately, it was my decision, as I did not want to spend a couple hundred dollars on a dress that would only be worn one day. I still have a part in her wedding, thankfully. But, the pain was so deep, I couldn’t stop crying. I got myself together by the time I got there. The first part of the day, I had a good time. But then when it was time to get ready to go to a country music festival, I lost it again. No one had told me that they decided to have everyone order their own customized Bachelorette Party shirts. I felt left out. Who knows, maybe they wanted it that way cause they were the bridesmaids. (But they said they tried sending me a text but I must not have gotten it.) No one had told me we didn’t need to bring a certain item from home cause they decided to not play the game they originally had planned on. (So I had went out and bought it when I didn’t have to). I felt like my sister and the other two girls were intentionally leaving me out of conversations. Maybe it was my emotional state. I don’t know. I hate that when I feel emotional over something, I can’t just let it go. Especially when it makes me a downer After a couple hours at the festival, I decided enough was enough. I drank a beer and a half. I can’t tell you how relieved I was after chugging half a beer, when my mind forgot about the pain in my heart, and there was no threat of tears spilling and I no longer was a downer! I felt happy! Drinking isn’t a good idea for me due to my history with alcohol. But let me tell you, it was worth it! It got me through the evening!
The next day, today, I was sober and the threat of tears spilling at any moment returned. My cousin (who took my place when I declined to be a bridesmaid) told me she was sick of me being so annoying. I was so sad and felt excluded, like not part of the bridal “cliche”, that I did say and do certain things I may not have otherwise done. (One of the things she thought was annoying was when I wanted a towel to wipe my eye after I jumped in the lake off the boat, cause you aren’t supposed to get contact lenses wet for the risk of getting a bacteria on your lense that can lead to blindness. My cousin said it must be hard worrying about everything all the time.) Then, I have no clue why, my uncle (who is a great guy) sprayed sunscreen on my leg. I asked him to stop because I’m allergic to it. Meaning the scents; I immediately started getting a headache and mild nausea. This was when my cousin told me she was sick of me being so annoying. I’m starting to feel sick, and this is what she says.
I’m just upset because I was so excited to go to the party, then my emotions took over, and I was a ticking time bomb with tears ready to spill over at any second one. So to prevent that I was just stoic at the festival til I started drinking, and then again the next day. To make matters worse, because I was such an emotional mess, I came off as a downer. Which in turn p***ed off my cousin, who organized the whole party. I wish my pep talk to myself had worked, but it didn’t. So I spent a total of $110 on a party I didn’t really enjoy. And to think I could have paid for over half the bridal gown for that price! It doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to find friends around here since moving back a year ago. Then a couple months ago I decided to try out a new church. So now don’t feel a part of any church cause I’m not settled in one. Then, to feel like an outsider at my sister’s party, and realizing how much I regret letting money determine if I stood up in her wedding. It’s not that I didn’t have the money; it’s that I didn’t want to spend it. It’s all just too much! I just hope I can get my emotions together before the wedding or this is going to be a nightmare.