I regret telling my therapist about my sexual assault

Hey guys! I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted here, I’ve wanted to return for a while but I haven’t known how. Anyways, for years now I’ve battles with whether or not to open up to my therapist about my history with sexual violence. Around three weeks ago I gathered up the courage to tell her, and it did go well! She tries really hard not to push boundaries and she believes me and wants to listen to me. However, it’s opening up some memories that hurt like crazy to think about. Sometimes it’s impossible to get put of bed. My inner child feels so wounded and hurt. My body doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, some days just feel impossible. I know I have a good support system and I know that I’m probably not going to get hurt like that again, but it hurts like hell reliving it over and over again. I had a relapse in self harm on Saturday and I’m afraid that’s going to spiral put of control again. I don’t know if I’m ready to share my story or to share this part of me that’s been hurt like this. It feels paralyzing, I feel dirty, I feel shame, but I also feel rage sometimes. I’m so angry for my younger self. Someone hurt me and I’m mad. I don’t know how I’m supposed to balance my day to day life while I’m also constantly reliving these horrible memories every week in therapy. What do I do to feel safer? How do I prioritize my mental health while still getting my obligations done? I’m a senior in high school. I can’t afford to be lazy. How do I find the grace to forgive myself for what Happened? And how do I get some of these flashbacks under control? If any of you have advice I’d very much appreciate it. Bless you all.

  • Emma
    (Sorry this is long, and I’m sorry if there are any spelling/grammatical errors)

Hey @depressedllamacorn

Welcome back! So glad to have you here and thank you so much for sharing this with us. First I want to say how much courage that took for you to open up to your therapist about your history with sexual violence. Speaking about and processing such trauma is incredibly difficult and painful at the same time because of all the memories and feelings that tend to come back up to the surface. Know that that is completely normal to have happen when processing trauma. It truly is like cleaning out a wound so it can heal better and it HURTS. Its even harder when you know you have obligations within every day life yet you’re also trying to help yourself and heal and grow which is so incredibly important as well. So much comes with processing trauma not just emotionally but even physically as well.

You mentioned feeling paralyzed, dirty and shame. I just want to say it is okay to feel how you’re feeling. You’re in the middle of processing a serious trauma, and with that comes a big mix of emotions and that is okay. Shame has a way of telling such lies making you feel like you are dirty, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You are not at fault for anything that happened. Not one part of it. You also mentioned feeling rage and I want you to know that you are completely valid in that feeling. It sounds like you are angry for your younger self and also so very sad because you were not protected. You were hurt and hurt deeply. So to feel that anger is more than understandable.

Although it is so very hard to have grace for yourself, know that you are so very worthy and deserving of it. I would encourage you to prioritize yourself and care for yourself. Know that you are processing some very heavy things right now and so if you’re not feeling the best and are feeling more overwhelmed or low throughout the week as a result, take some extra time where you can to do something that you love. Something that brings you some calm and joy. You’re already doing such important and hard work taking care of yourself by processing this in therapy that I think it is just as important to take care of yourself outside of session as well. I would also mention what you’ve been experiencing to your therapist so she is aware of how things outside of session are going and she can bare that in mind while processing with you in session.

Trauma truly does change how we view not only ourselves but the world around us. Its terrifying and being able to feel safe again is a process. One that I am confident you will be able to achieve! When you are feeling like your body isn’t your own or you’re finding yourself reliving those memories, I would encourage you to try some grounding techniques. This can look like sitting in a chair with your legs and arms unfolded so you’re feet are literally touching the ground. Having contact with something physical that we can see and touch can help when these types of feelings come up. I would also encourage you to even just count what you can see around you and even try some positive affirmations like “I am safe, I am loved, I am supported, I am strong and I am brave.” I hope some of this can be helpful to you and know that we are here for you. Thank you again for sharing this here. We love and believe in you!

Hold Fast,

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