I relapsed after about a year & scary thoughts

I relapsed. I self harmed again. and im so mad and upset in myself and i just want to self harm again. I forgot how hard it is to stop once you’ve started again. I dont remember how to stop and rn, i dont really want to stop because I feel like i deserve this pain i am inflicting on myself. i deserve every single bit of it.

I have beginning to pray more and become more religious than I have been in the past but right now, my minds trying to tell me I deserve all the pain and mental and physical health struggles I am going through now. Its not God I don’t think. But something is telling me that someone who is control of things, is making me go through these struggles on purpose and I deserve every single struggle and agonizing physical pain. I don’t know why I came out of a coma. I didn’t deserve a second chance. I think I was only brought out of my coma to live in a life of pain and discomfort and with worse ptsd than before the coma.

I don’t really feel loved or wanted by anyone anymore. I know it’s just my self hate and shame and stuff but it’s winning & im letting it win bc my mind is telling me stuff & saying “because people arent replying to you or acknowledging some of the stuff you’re saying”, its confirming your thoughts and fears that no one wants you or loves you. You’re not being heard. You’re not important and don’t positively impact others lives. i am starting to push away one of my best friends. The way i push away people is very effective and itll make them never want to come back. my IRL best friend is dead. She is basically dead for trying to stand up for me and make sure im safe. My (technically boyfriend) other good friend is in a mental facility bc he was going to kill himself on his birthday and he was the only person i would hangout with. So now I dont have anyone to hangout with IRL. I just want to disappear and isolate. I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like I don’t have a life worth living.


Sweetheart, I am sorry for all of the pain and struggle you are battling through right now.
Look, I know you relapsed and self harmed, but remember, you are strong and come through this. The beginning of last year, I relapsed, but the amazing people that surround us in this community reminded me how loved and cared for I am. Honey, you are not alone and you are not a burden. You ARE worth living for. You do NOT deserve the pain you are inflicting on yourself. You DO deserve a second chance.

You are too hard on yourself love. There are so many people here who absolutely love and adore you. We would be heart broken if anything ever happened to you.

Know that you have a friend if you need. You’re always welcome to message me. I know this week I’ve been quieter because I’ve been really sick. So it’s been hard to be social, but I will always always get back to you when I am able. Okay?

I love you dear. You are such a precious friend. I cherish you. You are a bigger light than you realize and I appreciate that I have come to know you.

Stay strong.