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I relapsed again. i'm not going to stop this time

i relapsed. i was clean for nine fucking months and then it started again. it’s surprising how much i’ve changed in the past nine months. i’m too miserable to die and too miserable to live. last time, i really wanted to stop. i truly wanted to stop hurting myself. now, i don’t. i love the way the blood comes out. i like the colour of my arms. i like the way the half-healed cuts look. i like the way the scabs form. i love everything about cutting. the pain isn’t even the best part anymore. it’s the visual thing for me. i’m not going to stop. my friend thinks i should.

i just wanted to get this out. thanks for listening.

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A lot of conflicting emotions in this post, i can imagine it’s a really hard time for you. Thank you for being here and talking with us about this.

What has changed in these last nine months? Do you wanna talk about that?

This may be a silly question, If you like the look of it, have you ever tried a red ink pen to draw on your skin? Or even something like henna/mehendi if it’s available where you are? That will give you a pretty stain that will leave your skin red for a week, and also the paste dried off into flakes that can be “faux” scab material. The visuals of it might be a fairly close replacement? Again, just a thought!

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Hi there. First of all, I’d like to thank you for sharing with what you’re struggling, because that can be really hard sometimes. What made you relapse? What change in your life to make you relapse, and what is causing it? I know this sounds cheesy, but also just try not to think about it. You might also want to seek a professional since you actually like doing it. Last but definitely not least, You Matter :heart:

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i don’t know what made me relapse. thanks for taking the time to reply, though.

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try not to think about it. and when you do think about it, think of the negatives of doing it rather than the “positives”. Once again, addiction can be hard to get rid of so you should definitely try to seek a professional who could help you further.

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Hey @aashiqui,

Than you for your honest and your vulnerability. You probably know it already, but relapses are, somehow, part of recovery. We are not expected to change a coping mechanism instantly, especially when it’s to deal with intense emotions. Sometimes these relapses give us the urge to get back on our feet, thinking that enough is enough. Other times it’s the opposite. We are too tired to fight and try again. After all, it seems less exhausting to dive into what gives an instant relief instead of feeling like being at war with ourselves every day.

Your friends don’t want you to keep going on that way because they don’t want you to hurt yourself. They want you to feel okay, to find different ways to cope - ways that don’t involve any harm. But the process to get there can be exhausting, full of bumps on the road as well.

When it comes to self-harm and addiction-types of habit, it’s like our mind is constantly torn between two voices. One that knows what is right, and one that craves for the opposite. Healing is a constant work on managing that balance well, and not letting the urge having the last word. It doesn’t work all the time. Though I’d like to encourage you to picture when you wanted to stop. What was your motivator? What are the feelings you had at the time? What are the reasons that encouraged you to try to heal? During your recovery, you may encounter times like now when it’s more difficult to remind yourself of these reasons. Yet it’s important to lose sight of them, because our imnd can trick us over and over. Basically, when we’re not okay, we forget more easily all the times we actually were okay, and all the victories we’ve had thruogh the years. I have no doubt that what motivated you to fight against the urges to hurt yourself is still there somewhere in your heart and your mind. It might be hurtful to think about it and even acknowledge it again, because it could seem very distant. But these reasons are actually what made sense to you personally, and what is likely to keep pushing you forward.

On a different note, as you’ve mentioned that for you it is more about the visual thing… do you think alternatives such as graphic drawings could help you? To trade your body for a piece of paper and a few markers? If pain is secondary, maybe it would be worth it to try differently. To use a substrate.

Feeling between life and death is a tough position, and I’m sorry you have to experience that. At times when my depressive thoughts were overwhelming me, I felt like you. Too scared to die, too imserable to live. Like having a foot in both dimensions and ending up being nowhere at all. It might be hard to believe it right now, but this is not a position you are destined to be stuck in. You deserve to embrace life fully, and you have the ability to get there, with the right support too. You don’t belong in this nowhere, wandering like a ghost.

Finally, I’d like to recommend you the HS book ReWrite, if you haven’t looked at it yet. I hear what you said about not wanting to fight anymore, though I want you to know that with this book and this community, we can support you and encourage you through your recovery. A relapse doesn’t have to be a stop. I believe in you.

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Hi Aashiqui

Thank you for posting, I am truly sorry you are feeling so unhappy right now, I think its very sad that you have had this relapse and it breaks my heart that this has happened but it has happened, you didn’t say if anything occurred that caused the relapse so whatever it was maybe that is something that needs to be addressed and if you are not sure why this has happened then that too could be addressed.

Of course, you and I know that your friend is absolutely right and that you should stop hurting yourself, its not a good thing at all but I do understand why you do it as much as I understand why your friend doesn’t want you to.

Please speak to health care worker and stop hurting yourself, not for me or your friend but yourself, you are a wonderful unique and loved person who does not need to hurt, scar and damage yourself to make yourself feel better, there are other ways and I know you know that because you have found those other ways for the last 9 months.

Stay Strong, please get some support and stay in touch with us here.

You are loved

Lisa :heart:

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Hi aashiqui,

Thanks for opening up to us. We are honored by your trust.

Do you know what it was about your circumstances or mood that triggered it? After nine months, something happened. It might be something that you weren’t consciously aware of. You were clean for nine months. That is a victory. Please don’t forget what you have accomplished already.

You didn’t deserve whatever it was that happened to you, that resulted in the urge to hurt yourself. I would bet my life that you are a genuinely good person. What would you say to a genuinely good person who is dealing with an urge to cut?

When a person fights urges, cravings, compulsions, and other negative behaviors, it’s as though those problems grow larger and fight back. It’s as though fighting a habit gives it more power.

If a person succeeds in suppressing an urge, unless there is an alternative, some kind of positive action to replace the urge, the feeling of emptiness can cause enough discouragement that giving into the urge feels like the only option possible.

Instead of fighting the urge, turn away from it. Sita’s suggestion seems like it might be helpful. Can you think of a tattoo that you won’t later regret?

A person is best able to love and care for others, when they are accepting, loving, and compassionate towards themselves. Love your entire self, just as you would love others.

One of my strategies to deal with stress, is to hang around with my cat for a while. I also do a bit of meditation every day. When a self harm urge manifests, calm yourself. Talk to a friend. Put on your favorite music. Exercise can be a nice diversion as well.

Stay with us, and let us know how you are doing.

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