I relapsed into self distruction

Sorry for the rant guys.

I broke down, hit the lowest of the lowest. Some people are physical cutters, but I am an emotional one. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep.

I have made a really shitty mistake. I am new at my job and was filling in the contract and decided to ask my employer if he can pay for commuter’s discount. My salary is more than good and I have no reason to complain but I do spend some money on communting by train from one city to another so I emailed him to ask if the company offers commuters discounts And I know it was not a big deal but it dawned on me that I made a terrible impression on my first job and I might get fired.

So this minor incident sent my social anxiety into a spirral and I went completely insane. As I stated before, my health is in a terrible condition and I am starting to feel really bad. Been crying and now I am afraid I will loose my job as an Intern with way too many demands. My job is everything for me, basically all I have left. If I lose this, I will literally end my life.

Please help

Hello,
I know what it is like to spiral, whether it be from a big or small incident, I do not believe this will end in you losing your job, questions like that are to be expected from employees just in case, I would just recommend trying to avoid the things you do when you spiral and talking to people when it the spiral first starts, that way there is a chance it can be stopped, you are not alone, stay strong

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I understand what you’re going through, but what you asked is 100% reasonable. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I live there is absolutely no way this would lead to you losing your job, all you did was ask, right? I know it’s hard to shed the anxiety, but just know that you did nothing wrong in the slightest!

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Sodahead,

Please hear me out on this. Nothing. No job or situation is worth your life. I know it feels like you might lose everything. But your worth is so much more than your job or anything else. You are loved and valued and treasured. You have great purpose regardless of your circumstance. Regardless of this anxiety you are experiencing.

I get the anxiety. I tend to over think things. Once I get worked up about one thing, that lowers my threshold to deal with other things, and I spiral in my thoughts. But know that just because you are thinking the worst possible outcome, it may very well not happen. I don’t think it was the worst thing in the world to ask if your employer has a commuter discount. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. I had a similar type situation last week when I was given a job offer. I asked if they could raise my starting salary based on my experience. They then told me my starting salary was pretty high compared to what they usually start people off at. In the moment I felt like I shouldn’t have asked that question! But the thing is, if I hadn’t asked, I would have never known! So, it’s okay!

If you need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me. Your life is important. Keep posting here. Don’t give up. There is no new struggle known to man. Other people have dealt with similar situations. They’ve gotten through it. You can, too. :heart:

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thank you I do not know what has gotten into me, I got this panic I cannot let go off. I feel ungrateful for the good salary they gave me by asking such questions and I am really afraid of what they would think. My family also told me it was a mistake and I am ungrateful so that just amplified my reactions to the point I couldn’t breath. thank you so much for sharing your own experience. you have no idea how that helped

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I totally get how other people’s reactions can make things worse! Just remember that none of this defines you. What helps me is I know where my true identity lies. This comes from my belief in Jesus. And how what it all comes down to is
my identity in Him and what He thinks of me. That is what ultimately matters. That’s not to say that that always helps calm me down (just ask the people I live with or my friends that have talked to me this week. :joy:) But in my heart of hearts, I know that no matter what I do or what I say or what stupid things I’ve done, what He says about me is what matters. I am loved and treasured. I’m blameless, not cause of myself, but because of Him. Even on my crappiest days (and I’ve had a TON lately; more like a steady stream) He ultimately has the final say. Not other people. Or even my own perception of myself.

I hope it was okay I shared that. I don’t want to push my beliefs on you. But that is what helps me. And I wanted to share in case it helps you. :blush:

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I hear you about the worry that you’ve made a mistake at a new job, then the anxiety comes and everything feels overwhelming. You were being thorough when you asked about the commute payment. I can’t see that as a mistake. Even if it somehow was, it is not something that affects your job performance, so they would not let you go for that. But I see it as you speaking up to negotiate your benefits, which shows you think you are valuable, and that will confirm the value they saw in you when they offered you the job. You are worth the good salary, and you are worth the same benefits as other people who commute. The anxiety is telling you otherwise, but it is wrong. I don’t know if I am expressing all this very well but I retired from working in offices and what you asked is not at all out of line from what I have seen. And even if they tell you no, that still doesn’t make it a mistake, because like @NomadicWanderer says, that is part of the process. Asking questions shows you are invested in the job, which is a thing employers like to see.

We are here for you.

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Thank you so much. I really needed this. People here are a rock in times like this. It feels good to have someone tell me I did not mess up,worst case I will apologize if I seemed out of line and say I just wanted to make sure if it was

once again thank you so much for your input!

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Hey @sodahead94,

From an outsider’s perspective, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. If I was an employer, and if I just hired you, even if I turned down your request to pay for your commuter’s discount, it wouldn’t affect how I perceive you as an employee - your job performance will determine how I perceive you as an employee. Don’t focus on thinking that you made a mistake - instead, focus on how you’re going to kick butt with your new job. You’re going to rock this!!

-Eric

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As always, thank you so much, Eric! I hope it will all go well, still pretty anxious about it.