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I relapsed last night


#1

I knew I wasn’t doing well, but all I could say was “I don’t know how to process this.” I was right. I didn’t want to give in. I have no pride in not being clean. I feel guilty and ashamed. Everything sees overwhelming - school is difficult, I fought with my s.o., I’m reminded daily of personal trauma, and there are too many injustices in the world. I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved or cared about. I’m not in a good mental state and I feel so lost.

current soundtrack: you are more by tenth avenue north


#2

Sophic! I’m proud of you for being honest about this. Relapse, sadly, is a part of recovery and it doesn’t mean we love you any less. When I started getting clean from pills, I relapsed after 35 days, just as my sponsor was about to start me on my step work… I had to go through 30 days of hell all over again… I was high for 3 days straight before I admitted that I had relapsed and took the steps to get clean again. 10 days after that, I relapsed again… This time I had learnt, and reached out straight away, as soon as I came down from the high… That was the last relapse I had, and I’m now 195 days completely clean… Just because you had a bump in the road doesn’t mean it’s the end all, I’m proof of this…
I’m in the midst of a self-harm relapse, for the last month I have self harmed pretty much every other day, and only now am I starting to see where I was going wrong… I can’t do it without the help of the community though. We’re here for you the same.
Talk to your s.o. couples fight, and that’s normal, it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. Write down in a letter what you want to say, talk to him that way, or use it as a way to make sure you SAY what you need to say to him in a mature way, instead of letting your emotions take control and lash out. I know that you know about ReWrite and Dwarf Planet, but have you got your hands on Dwarf Planet to start it? I think it could help you.

We love you. Whatever you’re going through, we’re here for you and we will help you.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#3

I have dwarf planet but haven’t sat down to read it yet. Thanks Kayla :heart:


#4

@sophicspider


#5

You need to focus more on yourself. Don’t worry about the injustices in the world or even how the world percieves you. You sound like you need a varied time with yourself. Not too much time because you experience thoughts, etc. that trigger you. Yet you need some time to just love yourself and learn more about yourself. Maybe you might want to go over an outlined list of things that you like about yourself. Write it down then brood on the reasons why you like yourself plus the things you like.

For instance, for the longest time I thought that I liked Chocolate Ice Cream. I liked it because “it was the best flavor.” No, I liked it because all the people I liked as a kid liked Chocolate. I actually liked vanilla and I didn’t admit I liked “Vanilla” until I was 17 years old. As an adult now it is “butter pecan” or “Chocolate chip Mint”. Believe it or not, a lot of things you like are influenced by other people. For me this was a bad thing and made me become somebody living a role instead of being me.

I think this could be one of the core reasons a lot of people don’t like themselves even hate themselves.

I hope this was helpful.