So I haven’t been on here in a little bit but I finally did get my license, I actually am relieved about that. That’s pretty much the only positive change there has been with me. Yeah, My mental health has really just not been good lately and growing worse. I was a year clean of self harm and probably a week and a half ago I relapsed:// the bad thing is there are blades in the house that are not mine so it is not my place to throw them away so I cant get rid of them. They stay in the bathroom just sitting on a counter so whenever I need to shower I always see them and am tempted. But I am just so depressed its like what does it even matter if I cut anyway? Why not ? No one except one friend knows about my relapse. It actually is really hard for me to talk about self harm. I had something traumatic happen in my past where a guy tried to blackmail me over it because he saw my cuts by mistake in art class and wanted to do bad stuff to me so because of that I really do not open up to anyone who did not already know of my addiction. But my friend group is just so small and it sucks so bad. I basically have no support for the bad feelings I am going through. I talk to a few people a week. I do online school. I feel so isolated. My mom is kind of emotionally abusive. She is very not cool towards me. Several weeks ago what kind of sent me into a downward spiral was I had just this AWFUL panic attack. I was sitting on the floor crying in the bathroom, literally trying to gasp for air, throwing up and dry heaving. I do not have a good relationship with my mom. I have been in the er twice because of anxiety, its obvious I have mental health issues that need fixed. 5 doctors suggested I need to be in therapy. my mom knows she is not kind and literally wont let me do therapy in fear of me talking to her and she just has this disgusting stigma about mental health. Bottom line: I only go to her for help and talk to my parents when it is DIRE. But that night I was saying in between breaths " Please help me please help me im scared im gonna die I don’t know what to do don’t leave me" And she was SCREAMING at me. Calling me dramatic, telling me to get a grip, telling me don’t you dare tell anyone this happened, you will scare your few friends away, saying " I don’t know. If I stay with you right now will you not leave me someday?" ( she knows im moving to another state for college half way to get away and was literally holding that over me like why would I stay with you right now when you aren’t staying with me in the long run.) How evil and wicked can you possibly be?? What the hell. And yesterday I barely ate. I threw up last night because of my anxiety and im still sitting with a headache and feel so gross. I have 23 overdue lessons in school. Its like im drowing in responsibilities that I simply cant manage to care about or get done. I have no idea how ill manage going into the real world again in the summer when I can get a job and when I can go back to school next year. I have been in the house so long stuck in my room. How will I even manage real life again? I fucking need support really bad. I wish I could go to therapy. I wish I could get better. Its hard to cope. I recently found a song called " the way she feels" by between the trees and I try to listen to it when I want to self harm. Its a good song but whats so sad is there is such a false reality when you wanna cut, when you are in a dark place there will be someone in your life to pick you up, to hold you until everything is okay again. It isn’t like that. It is the worst feeling feeling as though you have nothing left and you cant prove to people how sick you really are and for them to believe you. I hate it.
Thank you for being so open and talking about this here. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable and talk about struggles but this is definitely a safe place to do that.
It sounds like you are being faced with a lot right now and things have become extremely overwhelming. You have been experiencing frequent panic attacks and fighting the urge to continue to self harm all while trying to get some sort of comfort and validation for all the hurt you are experiencing and carrying. That is truly so much and I am sorry that has been your reality. Know that although you relapsed, that does not mean all is lost. I always say recovery from anything is never a linear process. Sometimes we fall, but we can always always get back up and get back on that path to recovery. It is so very hard especially when depression is a significant factor. Feelings of hopelessness can surface and intensify to where it can seem like there is no point. However, depression is really good at feeding lies and making us feel like we can’t or that we are too weak to fight. In reality, you are more than capable. You have the strength and courage necessary to keep working towards recovery.
Self harm is a very vicious cycle and there is still a huge stigma surrounding it making it that much more difficult to talk about. That was most definitely a traumatic experience having your self harm held over your head. I don’t blame you for being hesitant to share about your struggles with that. Not only that, but it sounds like you’re feeling pretty isolated right now and it’s hard not to in the middle of this pandemic. Plus your mom not being understanding and extremely harsh regarding your mental health makes it that much more difficult to seek counseling. That reaction from your mom was unwarranted and pretty manipulative. Most definitely not what you needed during that time.
Thinking about going out into the real world again and being anxious about it is something I think is very understandable given the way we’ve all had to get used to a different way of life due the pandemic. We’ve had to get used to being distanced from others and have interacted less than we’ve ever had to before. So I think it is completely understandable to be feeling the way you are right now and you are not alone in that.
I know you mentioned your mom not allowing you to seek therapy, but could it be a possibility for you once you are out of her house and away at college?
Know that although we are not able to be with you in person we are still here to support, encourage and care for you just the same. Thank you again for having the courage to share this with us and know that we believe in you. Your struggles, experiences and emotions are valid. You are seen and heard my friend.
Yeah. I am moving to another state for college to gain my independence. I feel it will be healthier for me so I do want to get therapy then. It just can be so hard because I am in my junior year at the moment and I still have to get through senior year. Like I am close. Ill be a senior soon since this school year will shortly be coming to an end but it just can be so hard to wait.
Waiting can most definitely be the hardest part. Although counseling right now seems to not be an option while you’re with your mom, hopefully knowing that you will be moving and will have that option soon can get you through. Just knowing that this situation is not going to last forever can help the hard days seem a little more manageable.
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